


we'll meet again

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: A lot of warnings for this one, Alternate Universe - World War II, Angst, Assisted-Suicide References, Death, Dementia, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 1, Enemies to Best Friends to Lovers to Soldiers, Gen, Homophobia, I am giving you badly written misery, Love Through The Ages, M/M, Self-Harm References, Violence, War, You will be sobbing, You will want me dead by the end of it, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-17 18:49:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 81,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: In the year of 1939, war strikes and leaves best friends turned almost lovers Aaron Dingle and Robert Sugden in a state of shock, despite their resistance against the ever present reality of war it soon becomes apparent that there is no escape and it doesn't take long for their world to be ripped away from them as they continuously fight to keep close despite the lengths taken to keep them apart for good.





	1. PART I

**Author's Note:**

> HELLOOOO okay so let me just start by saying that this fic will probably rip your heart out and then try and give it back to you but do an awful job. it's not a soft fluffy one but i think if you have read my other pieces of work you will know that is not how i usually roll. i am a sick lover of angst and so i had this idea from about a last year, to do a world war two fic about the boys and throw as much misery and angst at them as possible through the softest most sensitive story of young love possible. 
> 
> there's lots to it, lots of triggers which i should really go through now:
> 
> \- continuous homophobia used throughout including slurs and talk of therapy  
> \- violence, blood, described throughout  
> \- continuos talk of war and derogatory terms used towards the enemies of the war  
> \- aaron's self harm is mentioned frequently  
> \- talk of sarah's death in detail  
> \- mention of jackson's death and the assisted suicide and its effects on aaron's mental health  
> \- continuous reference to dementia  
> \- a very ambiguous ending which some may interpret as death
> 
> also let me set a few things straight because i feel like the fic is god awful and just all over the place! 
> 
> so aaron lives with chas at the pub with liv who is his full sister. gordon is not around in the fic but i decided not to include the child abuse because i had enough misery involved already. liv is around ten years old in the fic. jackson and aaron did happen but it's toned down a little due to the time period and their ages.
> 
> robert lives with andy and jack and his little sister vic who is around six in the fic, which means that in this mad world liv is older than her but let's just roll with that please. andy is the oldest in the fic, being eighteen at the start. robert is a year younger than him and aaron is a year younger than robert. katie is involved but her past with robert did not happen at all. sarah still died in the fire and it was still andy's fault. diane is not in the family at all in this fic.
> 
> honestly i feel like i should be bigging it up and saying how great it is but its up to you if it's your sort of thing really. if you like films/books like war horse and the notebook then this is YOUR JAM, if you don't then ... i am very sorry and you can stop reading once the war is declared. 
> 
> i really have tried to keep it as true to the time as possible, including real converge from the radio broadcast on the day the war was announced in britain but i am not perfect so if anything doesn't quite sound right, or you don't think it is true to the time then just know i am very sorry lmao.
> 
> other than that ... try your hardest to enjoy it.
> 
> and if you can't then please MARVEL over the AMAZING art work seem below by @mondains-pigeons who is basically too talented for words!!!!

 

 

 

 

~ ' _Keep smiling through_  
_Just like you always do_  
_'Till the blue skies chase_  
_Those dark clouds far away.’_

 

_\--_

 

 

Aaron's knees crack a little as he steps off the bus with a loud sigh, it's getting harder with every passing day he thinks. He looks around the familiar street, it's hardly stifling but the air has this sweet smell to it which allows a flow of memories to hit him suddenly. It takes him back almost instantly and he smiles, the creases on his face are smooth and the ends of his hair dance in the wind as he approaches the home, has the carrier bag held close to his chest like always.

Aaron pushes the door open, hears a little buzzing sound as he enters and sees Ellie coming towards him, he throws her a warm smile and she does the same back. She's his favourite, she's young, too young to be in a place like this, surrounded by stories of the past and sadness but she always manages to smile through it all.

"You alright love?" Aaron says, loosens his grip on the bag as he looks at Ellie. "How's he doing?"

Ellie's still smiling, has a hand through her hair as she looks towards the large area of space to their right. "He's doing okay," she says, leans in a little. "It's not a _bad_ day." She adds reassuringly and Aaron blows out a slow breath, nods a little.

"I uh -" Aaron looks towards the right, "I thought I'd try the story again." He says, doesn't really know if it will work, it didn't last time, he only got confused and Aaron hated himself for pushing him so much with it all.

Ellie gives him a look, he doesn't know what exactly she means by it but then she's holding him by the elbow, stirring him in a direction away from the entrance. "Last time he -"

Aaron shakes his head, "I know what happened last time, I know that but I need to try _again_. I've waited too long." He says, feels regretful. "I'm here everyday and I should have tried again before now."

_‘I’m sick of this now, I want my sister. I don’t want you.”_

Ellie looks almost troubled, "You saw how he was though." She says, and if Aaron didn't know she was genuinely concerned than he would fly off the handle at her words. "I'm sorry, it isn't my place to say."

Aaron shakes his head and then quickly holds her hand. "No it is. You see him even more than I do now." He says the words bitterly, thinks about all those decisions, all those plans which were destroyed because of what happened.

Ellie offers him another smile, it's sadder but she still tries. "Give it go." She says and Aaron brightens at that, "It can't hurt, and if he panics then you can stop."

Aaron nods, looks towards the right again and then follows Ellie towards the room, there's a large clock pushed up against the wall and old wartime music playing, it's supposed to settle them all apparently but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes Aaron has to wince as he watches the sad faces become almost frightened by the memories, tears fill their eyes and then they fill his too. It just reminds Aaron of the misery, the sadness, dancing in the barn and humming the tune sadly.

Ellie walks him further towards the end of the room and Aaron's chest tightens as he looks down at the chair, it's worn, brown leather peeling at the sides but Aaron knows that there's no point in trying to say anything about getting a new one for him. His feet move slowly round towards the front of the chair and then he's smiling faintly, looking at him sitting in the chair.

He has his face buried into a book and Aaron keeps telling himself that it's good, it's _really_ good because it doesn't mean that he's given in to this, that he has simply turned into just yet another pale sad face amongst all the others.

That mind of his, that clever, brilliant brain of his is still ticking on quite nicely despite the gaps which mock them both.

His hair is flat against his forehead and Aaron fights a smile as his mind flashes back, _all_ the way back to those first few months together when he was young, when they were both so young, not like now. He aged well, he did, it took ages for him to start getting all those aches and pains and Aaron would tease that he was lucky, he actually used to say that because they _were_ , they were the most luckiest in the world, they'd survived it all.

Ellie gently touches him, "Robert?" She says softly and that's when Robert looks up, has a slight frown on his face as he sees a woman's face looking right at him, big green eyes. "Someone's here to see you." She says, steps aside and reveals the man who was clearly standing behind her before she moved. Robert raises an eyebrow, sees the man in front of him and something swells in his chest without him knowing why. He has black hair yet it's obviously tinged with grey and he has these eyes, their blue, so blue and he's seen them before, can't place exactly _where_ but he isn't wary of him and he likes the feeling.

Aaron steps forward, sees that Robert isn't hesitant today and then manages to smile. "Hi there." He says, has a hand still tightly clinging onto the carrier bag, his shy, hates himself a little for being like this in front of Robert, in front of his own husband.

Ellie smiles between them both. "Aaron's going to read you a story today Robert." She says, moves out of the way a little so that Aaron can sit in the chair opposite Robert.

Robert's face brightens a little at the mention of the name, something flushes inside him and he feels colour race to his cheeks but he doesn't know why. "Aaron." He repeats, checks, wants to feel the name fall off his lips.

Aaron swallows, eyes widening in hope. "Yeah - yeah _Aaron_." He blurts out, sees the look fade from Robert's face and he has to bite hard down on his lip to stop from crying, it still hurts, pains him to think that after all these years, for Robert it's almost alien to say his own husband's name.

Robert nods, looks back at his book and Ellie frowns.

"Or would you like to carry on reading?" Ellie asks, looks apologetically at Aaron as soon as she says it.

Aaron stands there, hands tighten round the stupid bag and he dreads the thought of having to turn back home, he can't go there yet, he doesn't want to be alone like that again, so soon.

Robert looks up suddenly and sees the look on Aaron's face, he looks upset, looks like he has been stamped on or something and there's this thing inside Robert telling him that he should make him feel better.

"No, it can wait." Robert says with a shrug and then he sees Aaron's face light up again, he has a lovely smile.

Ellie smiles too, squeezes Aaron's shoulder as she leaves them alone and Aaron sits down opposite him, letting out a little moan as he slides into the chair and eyes Robert.

"You okay there?" Robert asks, notices the way Aaron had trouble sitting down.

Aaron nods, "Yeah, just aches and pains." He says slowly, feels something tighten in him because Robert's not asked him how he is for weeks now, it's like he didn't care but Aaron knows that's not true, he knows it isn't his fault, _knows_ that Robert would hate himself for forgetting everything.

"You look a bit younger than anyone in here, including me." Robert says, turns his attention towards the others in the room, they're all on their way out and he doesn't like thinking that so is he, he'll focus on this gentleman in front of him instead. He's handsome.

Aaron nods, "I am. Just a year younger than you though." He smiles, regrets his words as Robert frowns at him.

"How do you know how old I am?" Robert asks, doesn't like it suddenly, doesn't want this Aaron knowing things about him.

Aaron shuts his eyes, "God I didn't -" he slows down, tries to calm his thoughts a little as he opens his eyes again. "Ellie told me." He lies, looks away a little.

Robert settles, looks towards the bag Aaron is still holding on his lap. "What's in there?" He asks, curious suddenly as he leans forward.

Aaron looks up, sees all the freckles scattered across Robert's nose and then slowly brings out a battered and worn album, it's filled with everything, it's filled with memories and love and what they used to be, what they had. "It's a book," Aaron lifts it up, it's heavier than he remembers and that suddenly makes him feel sad, there's so much in there. "It's a story."

Robert pulls a face, "A story? You're reading me a story?" He says, "About what?"

Aaron chews his lip, doesn't know how to approach it, last time he got it out all wrong, he scared Robert as soon as he passed the first few pages. That's the last thing he wanted.

"It's about - about two lads who uh - they keep being separated but they find their way back to each other, every time." Aaron studies Robert's reaction and then runs a hand across the book's front.

Robert swallows. "Two lads?" He asks, something stirs up inside him a little.

Aaron nods, "Not a problem is it?" He asks, holds his breath.

Robert shakes his head, something flickers in his memory, he remembers holding hands with a boy in a field, "Fine by me," he leans forward. "Just don't let dad hear you reading, he's funny about _them_."

Aaron feels something break in him and he lets out a little breath. "It's fine, he's not here." He says, he knows that Robert's forgotten that too, he talks about everyone like they are still alive, like Jack didn't die years ago.

Aaron opens the book, feels at a piece of hay which had been stuck to the creamy page by him years ago, slotting in a memory ever so kindly. He looks up at Robert, "Shall I start?" He asks. Robert looks at him blankly, "Start reading." He says gently.

"Reading? What are you reading?" Robert asks, doesn't understand suddenly.

Aaron swallows hard, it doesn't hurt as much anymore to repeat things, he's almost used to it now, “This Robert," he says, shows him the book. "It's a –“

"Yes – yes two lads," Robert nods his head quickly and then frowns. "There's no writing." He points towards the page and Aaron flushes pink in embarrassment. "How will you read if –“

"I remember it." Aaron points to his temple. "It's all up here." He says, looks right at Robert and wants to say 'and you will too, once you let me finish telling you' but he can't.

Robert nods, "That's nice." He says, it's what he says when he can't say anything else, Aaron's noticed, takes it as a sign that he should begin.

"It all started on the farm, it was always the farm, the farm in Emmerdale..."

 

\--

 

Robert watched from the house, fighting a smile as he saw his brother pull yarns of hay around and attempt to push them on the wheelbarrow to take to one the barns. He should have been helping but he didn't want to, he much preferred watching and he didn't even care what his dad said about that. Apparently it was dangerous, being that lazy and unhelpful wasn't going to get him anywhere in life.

Robert pulled himself up from the chair he was sitting on and looked across towards where Andy was still struggling, he rolled his eyes and decided he'd be a reluctant help, a hero maybe, as he raced towards him and lessened his load, taking the hay from Andy and smirking as he did so with ease.

"Oh so they work then?" Andy said, all sarky and snappy and Robert knew he'd be in a mood about it all day, he was like that, stubborn over such silly things.

"What do?" Robert said as he clapped his hands together and watched the loose bits of hay fall towards the grass.

Andy pointed to Robert's arms. "Those. You've not done anything all day."

Robert rolled his eyes, "Yeah well I'm not the _farm boy_ around here am I." He said, pushing at Andy a little and then feeling Andy push him back, it didn't take long for them to be tousling around on the grass like they were seven and not almost adults. It didn't feel like that though, Robert was seventeen, Andy was eighteen, but they were still kids. They just didn't know that at the time.

Jack's voice boomed across the field and Andy and Robert startled apart, laughing a little as they heard their father's voice.

"You two, get in here now!" Jack said loudly, waving his arms to his sons. "Victoria needs help with her work, I'm useless."

Robert laughed, "So why are you calling Andy? He can't even _add_." He said as they walked back towards the farm house.

Andy shoved Robert hard and then his eyes fell on Katie, she was walking up towards the barn, towards them and Robert tensed a little as he saw the way Andy straightened his back, cleared his throat and started smoothing down his hair. He had changed, Robert thought, they didn't speak as much anymore because of her, because of _Katie_.

Robert didn't want to admit it but he knew, he knew he was jealous of it.

"Alright?" Andy said, hands dug straight into his pockets awkwardly as he looked up at Katie and instantly flushed bright red.

Katie came towards them, eyed Robert with a glance and again he tensed because there was something between them, bitterness, some sort of ageing resentment despite the fact that they hadn't known each other for very long.

"Robert." Katie said, polite, always polite, with her blonde waves, her bright eyes. "Andy." She added, making Robert's brother blush even brighter.

Robert rolled his eyes, he was sick of it already, the looks they'd give each other, the way they kept trying to pretend that nothing was going on when everyone in the whole village knew about their budding little romance.

Robert rubbed a hand over his brow and decided to walk a little faster towards the farm home, head ducked down towards the ground as he heard whispers from behind him. He kept thinking about how close his brother might be to Katie, maybe he was even holding her hand.

Jack appeared as soon as Robert walked up the steps into the house and he folded his arms over as he looked at Katie. That was the one thing Robert liked, his dad didn't seem to like Katie anymore than he did. He appreciated that.

Robert watched as his father quizzed Andy at the door, almost grilling him as Katie stood back. He tried not to smirk as he poured himself a glass of water and then remembered that Victoria needed help.

Victoria was sat on the table, head in a book, hair loose in the ponytail which Robert guessed she had done herself. It made him smile as he gently shook her head and got her attention.

"Dad said you needed help or -" Robert saw the way Victoria nodded eagerly and stopped himself, pulling up a chair and then looking back towards the door. Katie was still standing there and Andy was now smiling. It made Robert burn a little inside. Of course Jack had already got over whatever he had against Katie.

"Robert son, you help your sister with her work." Jack ordered him, making Robert push his head back a little in surprise as Andy kept staring at Katie like she was the sun and the moon and the stars as well.

"I thought she needed _both_ of our help." Robert asked, knowing exactly what his father had said to both himself and Andy. Their little sister probably craved their attention all the time considering she was so much younger, just a little seven year old girl surrounded in a house full of men.

She missed their mum, she did, Robert could tell she did, Andy didn't want to see it so he didn't.

Andy laughed, shook his head and then suddenly reached inside for his coat before ducking out again. "Thought I couldn't add?" He joked and then he left, Katie holding his hand as they disappeared.

Jack watched them leave, had this smirk on his face and Robert burned inside again.

"Those two eh." Jack said, almost to himself as he walked into the living room and left Robert alone in the kitchen with Victoria staring at him, she did that all the time, just stared at him like she didn't know for sure what he was going to do next, like she was almost in awe of her big brother. Robert smiled at her, played with her hair and then looked down at her book.

"So what do you need help with madam?" Robert asked, craning his neck as he looked right at the book she was reading, it was unfamiliar.

Victoria shrugged, sighed hard and then started to pout. "I don't want to do this anymore. Can we go play by the swings?"

Robert sighed, the thought of heading out to the village seemed like too much of a struggle for him but he'd go, for Victoria he'd go.

"Not for long." Robert told her, "And only on the swings, we're not going anywhere else alright?"

Victoria's head began to nod again excitedly and she raced up, bought her shoes towards her brother and then jammed her feet inside them. Robert watched in amusement, he liked looking after her, feeling like at least someone actually cared.

The village was a pretty little thing, had a small shop, a bakery and a pub which was owned by the largest family in the village. It had an air to it, sweet almost, and it was covered in flowers grown by the elderly who insisted on keeping up appearance despite the sleepiness of the place.

It was quiet as Robert walked through, Victoria sat on his shoulders, nearly too heavy, nearly too old but Robert didn't complain, he liked to live in denial and pretend that Victoria was still only a three year old who was besotted with him for some reason or other.

The path leading up to the swings was wobbly and Robert managed to make Victoria laugh as he pretended to drop her over and over again until her screams alerted the very few villagers.

Robert heard the sound of tutting and he shot his head up, trying to work out where the sound was coming from. It didn't take long. Edna Birch and that flaming dog of hers were standing on the opposite side of the road, she was shaking her head and Robert swallowed a little guiltily.

"Sorry Mrs Birch, Vic's just a little excited." Robert said, waving his arms up and pulling his sister down from him.

Edna went to speak and then stopped, cut off almost instantly by the sound of a shrill voice, laughter coming from near the pub. Robert instantly rolled his eyes, knew all too well who it would be, A Dingle. Of course a Dingle.

 _"The type to steal your chickens and then sell you ‘em at a lower price.”_  His father would say, _Morally grey then_ , Robert had decided.

Robert followed the sound and looked at Chas coming out of the pub, she was loud and brass and unapologetic about it and Robert was stunned by the way she was. He wasn't like his father, didn't think that woman had to necessarily behave in a certain way, chained to a kitchen sink or whatever but Chas was something else altogether, she didn't act like she was in her forties without a husband who was actually still around, with –  

Robert swallowed hard as he saw him, he came out of the pub, head down, eyes darting all around the place. He was a fidgety thing. That's what Robert first heard Andy say when he saw him and Robert didn't like that. He didn't look at him and see a fidgety thing, he saw passion, a flash of anger and he knew that he had snapped in the past, been angry, hurt maybe.

But then again everyone knew that. Everyone knew that Chas' son was - _different_ and they let him be, there wasn't much which could be done and despite the protection he had from the rowdy bunch they called The Dingles, he was a lost cause. He had a sparky little sister, older than Vic, sharp and known for hurling fruit at David.

His name, Robert came to understand, was Aaron. He had black hair, fluffy at the top sometimes with soft stubble growing on his chin despite his age, and Robert stared at him with such curiosity that it burned inside him a little.

He was almost this enigma, Robert thought, he didn't understand him but then again no one did really. He was sulky, moody, _different_.

He was the Dingle who people frowned at, wondered if he _really_ had the same blood because he was so far removed from them normally. He was the sort of lad who had his head down all the time, hands in pockets as he trailed behind his mother. Robert remembered when he first saw him, he'd only moved back to the village five months ago but he hadn't been slow in delivering something for the villagers to gossip about. He was almost in his own world and Robert remembered hearing the young lad say something like "What ya looking at?" before Robert himself even realised he was staring at the new Dingle.

Victoria suddenly tugged at Robert and he turned to look at her, not paying attention to Chas and Aaron who were walking down the village, eyeing up Edna who had hurried back inside.

"Can we stay here long?" Victoria said, like she wanted to be reassured. Robert nodded towards her, decided to drag his attention back towards Chas and her son who were making their way into to the local village shop.

Robert sat on the bench opposite the swings, stared down at his hands and then looked towards the shop again, he saw Aaron standing outside, standing alone and he suddenly felt sorry for him because it had been a while since the rumours travelled around, since people began gossiping about the lad's death. The one that Aaron was _close_ to. It was muddled, it was _all_ muddled and Robert hardly knew anything about it but what he _did_ know was that Aaron Dingle was a lonely kid, younger than he was, sadder too.

The pub was busier than usual and Robert was grateful as he managed to sneak inside unnoticed by Chas who was too busy serving the usual punters who cued up for the ale. Robert closed his eyes, remembered a time when it was a luxury, where half the Dingles were wiped out due to the rations which shut the pub, stopped the alcohol and left the sleepy village almost abandoned. He was only young, hardly could remember the real effects of the Great War but it was enough to make him shiver just at the thought of it. He would often sit and think about the time before the present, that's what he called it, when he'd sit alone and just think about the horrors of the bloody war, the war which ripped through the village without thought or real warning.

His father told him no one was prepared, that it was a blur, that all of it was just a _blur_  but he'd survived. He'd been one of the lucky ones, one of the heroes and Robert admired him too much for that, for his bravery, for the way he somehow managed to come back and start a life for himself properly, start a family. He had been older than the other men, called dad by the lads apparently despite the fact that he was only in his early thirties.

Robert sunk lower into the seat, shook his head as he thought about it. It made his heart hammer in his chest. The thought of being someone like that, being a soldier, being glorified and respected, it was almost something he wanted to feel. He could almost imagine his father clasping a hand on his shoulder, squeezing tight, staring proudly at his son's uniform and smiling like mad. Smiling like _mad_.

Robert hadn't seen his father smile like mad ever, not even before the fire had he been one to crack a smile. Robert blamed the Great War. He always blamed that. Everyone did.

Robert was dragged out of his thoughts prematurely by the sound of Eric Pollard withering on about the chance of it all starting up again. It made Robert's insides twist uncomfortably at the thought but he couldn't ignore it. It's why he was suddenly so obsessed with thoughts of the Great War, thoughts of it possibly happening again to his generation. To him, to Andy too.

"Of course it will! This country won't let the French fight this on their own. Chamberlain will try all he likes to make _peace_ happen but no, he'll soon realise you can't negotiate with this – Hitler." Eric said, a frown harsh on his face as he spoke. "No, no as soon as something happens with them, we'll jump in, we'll defend, defend, defend like we did before."

Robert swallowed hard, felt sick at the words and then this misguided sense of excitement at the prospect of fighting the crazy enemy. It was the Germans this time, they were who the newspapers wrote about. It was slowly becoming true that they were this threat against not just France but the world and the world included England of course, of course it did.

Robert shook his head, it suddenly was becoming too real for him and instead he focused his attention on the bar, Chas was winking at the punters and fluttering her eyes about the place whenever she had the chance to and Robert laughed at her for a second before he saw her son staring at him.

It was so shocking that Robert had to gasp, had to fight for some breath and he didn't know why exactly. Aaron was just sitting by the bar, looking bored out of his mind and almost embarrassed by his mother and her ways but then he was actually looking at Robert. He was staring at him.

Robert felt something inside him stir and he didn't like it, he pushed it down and then his thoughts were completely taken over again by the sound of the door being swung open. It was mad, the sudden appearance of this man, short, angry looking with ginger hair, and Chas lost her bubbly brightness, she hardened and Aaron ducked his head, paled and then there were Dingles everywhere.

Robert's eyes flickered from his seat, it was almost ridiculous, the way they were all staring the man down as if he was an outcast. Robert studied the man's face and remembered him vaguely, he had seen him before, coming out of the Dingles home. Well more like being _chucked_ out.

"Not welcome here." Chas said, leaning over the bar and pointing towards the door.

Robert watched the man's reaction, he just laughed. "You're lucky I haven't told the police about this. I could ya know - I could say -"

"Say _what_?" Robert looked up and saw who was talking, Cain Dingle. He was notorious in the village for what he used to be like, he had been one of the young ones in the war apparently, one of the lads who dodged the legality of it all and signed up at sixteen. He had settled down, married Moira Barton who owned the neighbouring farm, she was probably the reason why Jack didn't view the farm as a rival. She was kind and gentle and was able to change him, Cain bloody Dingle, _tame_ him.

Cain titled his head and squinted, "No one forced your son to drink it."

Robert arched an eyebrow and suddenly his attention was back on Aaron. He watched him actually wince at the words said by his uncle.

The whole pub was silent and then Cain stepped forward, closing in on the ginger man. "Besides, it was _your_ pansy of a son who got our Aaron mixed up in all this."

Robert's eyes widened and then suddenly Aaron was staring at him again, almost as if he is expecting some sort of reaction, however over the top and outlandish, from Robert.

Aaron stood up, the sound of his stool dragging against the wooden floor made everyone turn towards him.

"Don't Cain." He said quickly, "Leave it. He has a right to be –“

"What? Angry?" The man said, body attempting to lean towards Aaron and Robert suddenly tensed. Aaron was just a kid. Not a day older than sixteen he would have guessed and yeah he wasn't _that_ much younger than Robert himself but he seemed it, _looked_ vulnerable, like he had been through something which he shouldn't have had to. "After what you did to my lad, yeah I think I …”

Cain pressed a hand to the man's chest and the man seemed to back down at that, he looked worn and Aaron looked guilty and Robert sat there perplexed still.

"I could tell the police. He’d be locked up.” The man hissed and then Cain pushed him harder, knocked him back. “This isn’t over.” The man promised before he turned and left the pub, left Aaron looking almost yellow in complexion.

Robert stood then, didn't want to be in the atmosphere of the pub for a second longer, not after finding out fragments of information about Aaron Dingle and his Big Secret. No one knew for certain, now one in the village accurately gossiped about what the boy had done or what happened to his friend, the boy who died only a three months ago. But now Robert knew for certain that the boy had been - different. He'd been what? A homosexual. It was a scandalous thought, enough to make Robert blush hard as he tried to exit the pub without fuss.

Robert walked quickly as he left the pub, thought about how eventful the lonely trip had been and then felt someone slam straight into him without warning. He looked up and saw Aaron there, just standing, just staring at him and then he was frowning.

Robert tried to speak but almost couldn't because he was looking straight at Aaron for the first time. He'd been in hiding for what felt like years, this Aaron, kept hidden away by his crazy Dingle family over whatever he had done, so to be this close was almost maddening.

Aaron had these eyes, soft, yet piercing and magically blue and yet it was clouded by this look of deep misery which he wore so well on his face, in every crease, every line.

"You sort of ran into me mate." Robert said awkwardly, a hand coming up to his hair and shaking at it before seeing Aaron's expression harden and then he was shaking his head and pushing past Robert.

"Get out my way Sugden." Aaron said roughly and it caught Robert completely by surprise. They hadn't ever spoken before and yet Aaron was able to display this level of anger towards him over nothing.

"Good day Dingle!" Robert shouted, watched as the younger boy charged down the street almost violently, like he was trying to prove a point.

Robert's eyes flickered, he didn't seem _at all like a fidgety thing_.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron raises his head, tries to see if Robert's still paying attention and his heart melts as he sees Robert staring right back at him as if he's wondering why the story has stopped.

"Are ya following?" Aaron asks and Robert nods slowly, starts playing with his hands.

"This lad is interested in the Dingle one. I can tell." Robert says and it makes Aaron's face wince.

"Yeah I think he is too." Aaron admits with a small smile, gosh he's trying to smile. "But the Dingle is -"

"Difficult." Robert says, eyes moving all about the place and then he looks down at the book, the hay. "What's that got to do with the story?"

Aaron leans back on the chair. "Well, how do you reckon the lads started having to speak to each other?"

Robert blinks blankly like he hasn't even registered the question and Aaron then leans forward, carefully brings the book closer to Robert and urges him to feel at the strand of hay stuck to the paper.

"What's this got to do with -"

"The farm. See, the Dingle lad had to work on the farm didn't he?" Aaron says, shuts his eyes for a seconds and pictures his first day before opening his mouth and preparing himself to fill Robert's brain with more memories.

 

\--

 

Robert hadn't seen Aaron for days when he first showed up on the farm. Andy had left him mending to the broken wooden fence at the edge of the farm and Robert was secretly cursing his brother as he attempted to fix it. Of course Katie had been involved, he was whisking her away somewhere.

Talk of war had got worse. Much worse and Robert had to sit through a supper filled with Andy's endless chatter about what he had read.

Apparently it was all inevitable.

Apparently the country's involvement would be announced any day now.

Apparently they'd start recruiting soon.

Robert buried all the thoughts deep down and became distracted as soon as he saw his father with Zak Dingle and Aaron standing sheepishly behind them both.

He could hear shouting, Zak holding out his hands and Jack shaking his head in frustration possibly.

"He scared half my livestock with his madness. The boy's a menace." Jack's voice boomed, made Robert instantly feel sorry for whatever Aaron had managed to get caught up in this time.

"I know that Jack, which is why I'm offering him to ya." Zak turned back, grabbed at Aaron's shoulders and steered him in front of Robert's father.

Jack scoffed, "And why would I want the lad for, he's nothing but trouble."

Robert rolled his eyes, it was clear to him that Aaron wasn't just trouble. He was _troubled_ , there was a big difference but no one seemed to see that, not even Zak, the oldest and wisest Dingle of them all. He was respected, having fought in the Great War and been dealt a devastating blow to his right leg, leaving him reliant on a wooden stick for support.

"He's had a hard time of it." Zak said, warning as he stepped forward and Robert couldn't help himself, just had to come closer and abandon his work on the fence.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "We've all heard about his - hard time." He said slowly, eyes darting towards Aaron who stood behind Zak still with his head bent. "Listen Zak, maybe the police _do_ need to know about this."

Zak looked completely shocked and then his face darkened. "Don't start down that road son." He warned, "It's very easy for folk round 'ere to start meddling in our little lives."

Jack swallowed hard, looked like he had been tripped up by the words.

"With - with all the talk about war and that I reckon' you need to make sure your crops and -" Zak looked towards Aaron. "Strapping lad 'ere can do ya some favours." He patted Aaron hard on the back and Jack slowly shook his head.

"Fine then, but I don't want him causing me or my boys any grief. You 'ere that?" Jack said, looking towards Aaron now.

Aaron shook his head and then looked up. "Yes sir." He said obediently before feeling Robert Sugden looking at him.

"What's this?" Robert said, finally reaching the spot where his father was standing with the Dingles. The breeze picked up and Robert fought down a smile as he watched Aaron's teeth chatter.

Jack sighed hard. "Considering you're lazy and Andy's occupied a little recently. Aaron here is going to be helping us out. You'll have to start pulling your weight a little and -" Jack sighed and then looked straight at Aaron, eyeing him up and down and then looking back at his own son. "Work with 'im without fighting."

Robert saw that Aaron was looking at him still and he dared to look back. "We'll get on just fine." He said, almost smugly and then he felt like an idiot as Aaron rolled his eyes.

The thing was Aaron was quite a good worker, it was beginning to make even less sense to him as to why the lad was kept away for so long, kept hidden in the confides of the Dingle shack as he liked to call it. Robert liked watching him work, do the difficult jobs that he couldn't be bothered to do himself. He'd watch Aaron work hard without fuss, without moaning or asking to stop and he would be almost fascinated by it. Aaron was this mixture, this juxtaposition really. On one hand Robert had first hand seen the fire in the boy, he'd been shocked by how snappy he could be and a part of him was expecting that but then again, sometimes he'd just catch the boy looking sad, miserable, hardly a threat to anyone. He was troubled, Robert knew it and because of that he wanted to be a friend to him.

“Dad’s made us supper, you want to come too?” Robert asked, staring down at Aaron who was apparently ignoring him for some reason. Robert tensed, hated that his own brother had practically abandoned him for some lass and now the hired Dingle help wouldn't even crack him a smile. “Dingle?” He shouted, watched Aaron slowly lift his head up and frown.

“I need to get home.” Aaron muffled out, tried to move past Robert but then felt blocked off by the older boy.

“Why?” Robert argued, “Come on mate I'm offering you grub here, you're a Dingle aren't you?” Robert instantly regretted his words as he heard Aaron take a sharp in take of breath.

Aaron suddenly pressed himself towards Robert and swung, hitting Robert square in the jaw, the shock managed to make Robert stagger back down on the field and he stared wide eyed up at the younger boy who was already looking apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I didn't –“ Aaron stammered, couldn't get any words out but Robert didn't even seem to mind. It was weird, how quickly he just forgave him.

Robert tried to raise to his feet but then suddenly heard his father marching towards them both, spinning his son round hard and shaking his head at Aaron. “Told ya, he's a _menace_ , a good for nothin’ Dingle.”

Aaron was wincing at the words, had his head bent. “Sorry Sir. I am. I'm sorry."

Jack leaned closer towards Aaron. “I should send ya back but I won't, you can be in charge of cleaning out the stables.”

Robert pulled a face, he knew that it was the worst job to have, being kept in the dark space for hours as you shoveled hay out of the small space.

Aaron nodded, head bent he passed Robert and walked towards the direction of the stables. Jack sighed hard and stared at Robert, squinted a little as if he was searching for something in his son’s embarrassed expression.

“He does anything again and you hit him _back_ boy. What's wrong with ya?” Jack shouted, he looked almost disgusted in his son for not retailing when the Crazy Dingle Boy hit him. The look practically burnt into Robert's mind as he stood there, in the field, watching Aaron leave.

 

\--

 

  
Aaron looks up and sees that Robert's suddenly touches his own face, rubbing at it. “Rob?” He says, face full of hope as he looks at his husband.

Robert pulls a face, frowns. “Must have hurt.” He says blankly and Aaron almost winces.

“Yeah it did I think.” Aaron says, sighs and then watches Robert frown again. “Robert are ya –“

“That happened on the first day? Boy, the lad should have stayed clear.” Robert shakes his head and then smiles, he hasn't smiled in so long and Aaron almost melts. “Suppose he liked him a little.”

Aaron nods, “Yeah, yeah he did.”

 

  
\--

 

Robert ate dinner in silence, hearing his father mutter on about the Dingle boy who was too much trouble for him.

Andy had his fair input on the matter, agreeing with their father completely. “Don't know why you didn't tell him to get off the land.” He said, leaning back on his chair.

Jack placed down his cutlery and shook his head, “I would have but then again, Zak was right, we're not paying him nought are we?” He suddenly smiled. “And I'm sure his mam won't say no to givin’ us a free pint if she knows I didn't get him in trouble for what he was doin’ ‘ere anyway.”

Andy laughed and so did Jack and Robert felt painfully like an outsider as he sat there, only caring about what exactly Aaron was doing in the first place. He hadn't heard properly before.

“What was he doin’?” Robert titled his head, “I mean – ya know, when he was here?” He blurted out a little too quickly.

Jack rolled his eyes and picked up his fork again, shovelling in the mash he hadn't spent enough time on. “I caught the boy near the barn, with all the ‘orses, he was slamming things about – told me he wasn't doin’ nought wrong and when I caught him, that he was sorry.” Robert listened, it sounded like nothing really and he didn't understand why his father had reacted the way he did. He didn't understand a lot of things about his father.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

“What's wrong with ‘im?” Andy asked, seemed genuinely interested. He gathered that Andy wasn't really as aware of the rumours as he was himself.

Robert heard his father scoff. “Plenty lad, plenty.” Jack swallowed had and shook his head. “Lads like ‘im can't get no help.”

Robert froze a little as he heard his father speak. He wondered if telling him about what happened in the pub would help him get more information about Aaron, so he did. “Some man came into the pub the other day, Cain said that his son was a – pansy.” Jack visibly grimaced and Robert felt his heart almost sink. He didn't even know why, it was expected, his father had always been horrible about people who didn't follow anything which resembled British traditionalism. “And this bloke, he was blaming the Dingle boy, saying it was his fault or something.”

Jack looked a little unimpressed, and then uncomfortable. “Don't ask questions.” He mumbled. “Not about that.”

Robert felt his heart hammer inside his chest, the fact that he was being denied seemed to make his curiosity swell so much that he felt like he was almost a balloon, filled with too much breath, ready to burst if he didn't understand more. “But – what's wrong with me –“

Jack slammed down his cutlery again and Robert tried to fight against his need to jump a little at the sound. “Son, there's certain things you don't need to hear about.” He looked at the door, saw Victoria playing with her dolls on the living room floor. “And don't say _pansy_ when she's in the house, she doesn't need to hear about _that_.”

Robert was stunned into silence, suddenly he realised that what he thought about Aaron and the lad he used to always be seen with melted away. He had almost been certain that Aaron was – different, that he and the boy had a special sort of scandalous relationship which ended tragically after one of them died. But his thoughts changed as he saw how his father reacted to _any_ talk about being _that_ way, his father probably wouldn't even allow Aaron near the house if he was a pansy *too. It made Robert sit and think, and then he was thinking so much that he didn't even hear the sound of his father calling him, instead was dragged out of his thoughts by the feel of Andy kicking at his shin.

Jack looked at Robert seriously, “You stay clear of ‘im.” He ordered, another order Robert noted as he tried to stop thinking about all those endless possibilities. All he knew for sure now though was that Aaron couldn't be a friend, Jack wouldn't allow it. That should have been it, but it wasn't.

 

\--

 

Eventually they spoke again, it was hard not to considering Aaron was on his property, even though he wasn't supposed to really converse with the boy, Robert wanted to. He needed a friend and somehow he didn't care how mad or different Aaron was to everyone else, it made him interesting.

Robert rubbed at his brow as he entered the kitchen and then pulled back as he saw Victoria sitting on the table, kicking her legs and then saw Aaron sitting with her. It startled him. The boy looked so soft and warm in the little girl's presence and Robert was taken aback as he heard his sister laugh. She didn't laugh with strangers, she didn't know Aaron.

“Does dad know you're in here?” Robert asked, deciding almost immediately that he was going to take a firmer approach with the lad, regardless of how much he wanted them to be mates, which wasn't a lot, no, it couldn't be a lot.

Aaron looked up sheepishly and then cleared his throat, Robert saw how awkward he was suddenly and it made sense, what Andy used to say about him. Aaron didn't get the chance to speak because Andy came towards the door and eyed him.

“So dad wasn't joking when he said you're sticking around then?” Andy folded his arms across and leaned back a little, as if trying to appear intimidating.

Aaron stepped aside and tried not to meet Robert's eye as he passed him. Andy whistled, actually *whistled at Aaron to try and get the boy’s attention and Robert almost cringed.

“The barns need doing Dingle, get to it.” Andy said, watching as the lad nod and then dug his hands into his pockets. Andy looked back at Robert, “Why was he in the ‘ouse?” He asked, titled his head and then walked towards the sink.

Robert shook his head, “Talking to Vic.” He muttered before looking at his little sister. “What did Dingle want?” He asked, he was curious, still curious about the Dingle lad.

Victoria lifted her head from whatever she was doing and stared at her brother, confused. “Dingle?” She said before smiling, “ _Aaron_ was doing my sums for me.” She said, still smiling.

Andy scoffed, drinking his water and then rolling his eyes. “Didn't know there lot could.” He said, had his laughter almost in his voice and Robert frowned. He didn't like it, didn't like how easy Andy swallowed their father’s words. Joking about the Dingles was exactly what got him punched by Aaron in the first place, he didn't want so assume anything again, go down the stereotypical route and make out Aaron was _thick_. He clearly wasn't, he was clearly kind and sensitive and clever, he had been with his little sister.

Robert shook his head, “Yeah well,” he peered across and saw handwriting on a piece of paper. “Looks like he's better than you mate.”

That made Victoria almost grin, probably like the boy even more.

Andy didn't smile though, instead he just rolled his eyes and turned, heaving up a pair of overalls and chucking them towards his brother. “Give ‘em to ‘im.” He said before smiling and throwing another pair. “And give ‘im some help, favour for helping Vic.”

Robert blushed hard and shook his head, “No, no he's helping _us_ out. Not the other way round.” He was almost flustered by the thought of having to work alongside Aaron.

Andy rolled his eyes, “Dad's not back till late tonight and he left _me_ in charge, so go.” He insisted and Robert did, he actually went.

Robert had to psyche himself up something rotten as he walked towards the barns. He didn't know what he'd get, a stuttering shy boy or an angry and brutish teen. Robert swallowed, push the door of the barn open and watched specs of dust fly towards him, it was almost completely dark and he couldn't help but wonder why Aaron hadn't left the door open just a little so that he could see what he was doing.

“Hello?” Robert said, his voice shaking almost pathetically as he held the overalls close towards his chest and felt at them, they were hard, having been dried outside on the line. For just a second he felt as if his heart had almost just stopped beating altogether and he thought back to his mother, she used to somehow make his clothes soft and warm, have a fuzzy feel. He remembered her singing as she folded the clothes or humming as she spread her hands across the fabric of the green overalls and passed them gingerly to his father. It was clear that Jack couldn't do the same, he couldn't live up to what she used to do, _how_ she used to do it.

It was everywhere, Jack’s incompetence, he couldn't fold clothes, couldn't make the fabric soft as he left them to dry in the breeze, couldn't shake off the smell of mud from the overalls, couldn't plait Victoria's hair and tie the pretty bows in correctly, couldn't make mash like it should be, actually creamy and free from lumps. Robert hated how resentful he could be at times, now it felt like he just _looked_ for bad things, things his father couldn't do compared to his mother, his brilliant mother.

Suddenly he thought about how she would have treated Aaron, she wouldn't have made a barely sixteen year old lad work in the draughty barns by himself as punishment for making a racket. No, a clip round the ear followed by some soup and then Aaron would be off on his way home.

Robert cleared his throat as he stood there in the draughty barn which was littered with hay. “Uh – Dingle?” He said, this time a little firmer. Suddenly Robert caught sight of Aaron, he was almost in a world of his own as he stood at the far end of the barn and stared at the pitchfork he was holding tightly in his hand.

What happened next was enough to make Robert's heart fall out of his chest because suddenly he was placing a hand on Aaron's shoulder, seeing the lad turn to him in surprise and then by some sort of freak accident, Aaron seemed to lose his footing and trip on the bounds of loose hay, falling towards the floor with the pitchfork slipping from his grip, hitting him hard on the head as he fell.

“Christ.” Robert blurted out as he looked at Aaron, sprawled out on the floor. Instinct told him to bend down, to help, see if he was alright, he didn't have time to work out if he would be punched against for getting too close. “You alright?” Robert asked, watched Aaron wince and then pat his forehead, he was bleeding and he groaned.

“M’fine.” Aaron said after a few seconds, not meeting Robert's eyes. “Just – go away.” He stammered out.

Robert couldn't, it was like his feet were glued to the ground or something. “I need to see if you're alright.” He blurted out, instantly regretting how kind his tone sounded. “Dad won't want ya working for us if you're not gonna be up for it, can't have any liabilities.” Yeah, Robert told himself, that sounds better.

Aaron nodded, removed his hands from his face and then Robert shuffled further the younger boy, looking at the cut on his head. It wasn't deep, more artificial than anything.

“Doesn't look too bad actually.” Robert said, shuffling himself away from Aaron because for a second they were too close, his heart hammered in his chest too hard as he felt Aaron's shaky breath hit his lips.  
Aaron nodded again, Robert realised he liked to do that a lot, probably liked not having to speak.

“Here.” Robert said, passing over the overalls to Aaron. “Put them on and then we can get to work.” He added, staring around the vast space and feeling himself shake a little. He didn't like the barns, Andy liked them even less.

“We?” Aaron asked, voice all high as he gathered to his feet.

“Yeah.” Robert puffed his chest out. “That a problem?” He asked.

“No.” Aaron said, shrugged his shoulders and then slowly started to pull at the trousers he was wearing. Robert blushed hard as he realised what he was doing.

“You wear them _over_ your clothes.” Robert said quickly and Aaron looked ridiculously embarrassed. “Unless you want to get yourself *real comfortable.” He joked, tried to.

Aaron pulled a face, almost as if he was caught out or something. “What's that supposed to mean?” He asked before he shook his head, muttered out something like ‘forget it’ and with shaky hands began to pull on the green overalls which were a size too big for him.

Robert watched him until it was obvious and then looked towards the door, poking his head through as he waited for Aaron to be ready. He could see Andy coming towards him with Victoria holding his hand and he rolled his eyes, wondered where he was taking her.

“Let me guess, the swings?” Robert raised an eyebrow at Victoria and then shook his head, “Thought ya were in charge. What we meant to have for tea?”

Andy smiled, “Katie said she was going to come round, bring a pie.”

Robert should have left it at that, said fine and shut the door but he didn't. “Why do we need _her_ charity?”

Andy angered ridiculously quickly. “It's _not_ , she's being nice, or at least trying to be.”

“Oh I don't think that's the only thing she's _trying_.” Robert said, knowing he sounded bitter.

Andy went to speak again but then was distracted by the sight of Aaron lingering near to them. “What ‘appened to ‘im? That your payback for that punch?” He asked, pointing towards Aaron's forehead.

Robert rolled his eyes, “He slipped.” He said, not even looking back to see what Aaron looked like.

Andy shook his head, past caring, “See ya later.” He said, pulling at Victoria and disappearing.

Robert stood there for a few seconds, staring at the fields, hearing the whistling sounds of the birds and for a second he forgot Aaron was inside the barn with him. The sound of the pitchfork dragging against the floor made him turn around though and he stared at Aaron, yeah the overalls were a size too big but he looked – he looked nice. It was a weird thought to have, to think of a boy in overalls as handsome but he almost appeared that way in Robert’s mind. It was painfully obvious.

Robert shook his head and then clapped his hands together as he turned, put the barn down on the latch and then looked back at Aaron. “Let's get this done then.” He said, trying to smile.

They worked in silence for a while, the sound of the animals nearby was enough to not make it entirely awkward but still, Robert kept trying to think of things to say, his mind kept pushing and pushing for thoughts by Aaron didn't seem at all interested.

Robert lifted his head, sighing hard as he put down his pitchfork and slowly began to pull off his overalls, wrapping the arms around his waist and tying it quickly. He missed the way Aaron looked at him as he did so.

“Right, think we're done in ‘ere.” Robert said, smiling a little to himself because somehow he'd managed to complete a bit of actual farm work.

Aaron nodded his head again, head bent down. Robert wanted to suddenly shake the boy, it was a mad thought but true, he wanted to make Aaron look at him, notice him, without having to insult the boy.

“You ever talk?” Robert said, he sounded a little annoyed and he didn't know whether he wanted Aaron to know he was or not.

Aaron frowned as he lifted his head, “Not to folk like you.” He fired, a little bite in his voice which only worked to entice Robert a little.

“Oh yeah?” Robert raised an eyebrow. “Folk who don't dob common scum in for trespassing on land eh?” He said, hated how easy it was for him to be unkind. His mother would hate him for it, his father would probably be cheering him on.

Aaron suddenly pushed his head back, looked visibly hurt by the words and then threw his pitchfork down with a loud clatter. “And ya wonder why your brother’s always with that lass.” He said, almost as if he know exactly where to place the knife to stab right through Robert.

It left Robert stunned, completely and utterly perplexed because, how did Aaron know where to hurt him? He hardly knew him?

Robert stood there, still confused entirely when Aaron turned and suddenly charged out of the barn, closing the door shut with a large slam.

“No.” Robert whispered, panic rose inside him ridiculously quickly. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't get his voice to work properly, he couldn't cry out for help because he was _stuck_ in the barn, by himself. He thought back, couldn't help himself think about the smell of smoke, the way it clung to his body, the way he watched Andy cry, his father scream out and then –

She had died, she burnt alive, or died of the inhalation, whatever actually happened to her was something which haunted him forever, again and again. It was over and over in his mind and then he thought about Aaron, Aaron was standing on the other side. Aaron could help, but Aaron hated him didn't he?

The panic worsened and somehow Robert managed to fling himself towards the large wooden barn doors. “Dingle, open the door!” He shouted, pounding on the door almost relentlessly as he thought more and more about where he was. How hadn't he wanted to leave earlier?

“Dingle!” Robert shouted again, pleading with himself that Aaron hadn't sulked off somewhere far. “Please!” He yelled, his breathing was becoming more erratic and suddenly he found himself giving up, racing towards the wall of the barn and trying to calm himself down, he'd have to ride it out, he'd have to –

“Sugden?”

Robert lifted his head up, saw Aaron standing by the door and he genuinely looked concerned, he looked worried, looked guilty.

“Why did ya slam the door?” Robert asked, trying to fight back his tears, any emotion he had but it was too hard. Aaron was coming closer to him and Robert couldn't help but push out anger instead of panic.

“I was – dunno, I –“

"You can't just go around locking barn doors, people could get hurt.” Robert snapped, let too much fall off his tongue and then he was seeing Aaron swallow, his eyes flickered a little as if he was interested.

“Yeah?” Aaron said and Robert felt exposed. Aaron was staring at him, his eyes were roaming his face for too long. “Look, I'm sorry.” He said finally, he pulled his eyes away from Robert's and the older boy steadied his breath, walked over to the barns of neat hay still in their rectangular shape.

“Yeah, fine.” Robert said, started playing with his hands nervously. “I – I mean it's not your fault, I just lost it a bit.” He looked embarrassed and Aaron shrugged, as if to say he didn't care.

“Everyone does.” Aaron said, almost purposely vague as he looked around the barn. “You don't like small spaces?” He questioned.

Robert gulped, “Mum died in a barn fire.” He blurted it out. It just came running out of him without thought. He didn't have mates to tell, he didn't speak to Andy about it, or dad, but he had just _said_ it aloud. It had been years since he had actually uttered the words and it was odd, the way the world didn't seem to crash down around him or anything.

Aaron looked visibly saddened. “Sorry.” He muttered out. “I didn't know.”

Robert shrugged. “It happened a while ago.” He said before he looked up at Aaron. “I'm sorry, for what I said before.”

Aaron seemed surprised and then cleared his throat. “Same here.” He said, not knowing what else to say but then he was looking at the redness still around Robert's jaw and he winced. “And I'm sorry for punching ya, I didn't think –“

“What? I wouldn't hit ya back?” It was a deep rooted insecurity, Andy was the one with the muscles, the proper farm lad, and Robert was just – he was on the verge of being classed as weedy.  
Aaron pulled a face, “Sort of.” He said, gulping. “Glad you didn't though.”

Robert felt his heart hammer inside his chest because it almost meant that Aaron liked that sensitive part of him. The one he felt he had to hide.

Suddenly he realised that he was having an actual conversation with the Dingle boy, the one who his dad didn't like at all, the one he told his son to stay clear of. “Believe it or not but uh – I don't have many mates.” He admitted, shy, almost vulnerable to whatever Aaron could fire back.

Aaron scoffed, a ghost of a smile on his face. “Yeah, well I haven't got many lining up either. Damaged Dingle remember?” He said the words with almost a lightness in tone but Robert could see the look on his face, he was sad.

Robert stood up, “So how about instead of fighting, we uh – we decide to be mates?” He felt like he was on the edge of some giant cliff, peering down, watching the water slide of the rocks and then feeling the wind pick up, pulling him closer and closer and –

“Yeah. Okay.”

  
\--

 

 

Aaron smiles, just sits and smiles for a second and then looks at Robert. “So they decided to be mates. It was as easy as that.” He says, watching Robert nod his head a little.

“Did that Dingle even want to be mates?” Robert says, a little confused and Aaron realises he should tell him a little more about the Dingle, about himself.

“Oh yeah, he did as soon as he first saw ‘im, just didn't know what or – or how to speak to him ‘cause he was older remember? And he was from – from a different family.”

Robert nods again, “So they're friends, that's nice.” He says before leaning a little towards Aaron. “Come on then, what happens next?”

Aaron can almost see it now, feels the sun shining on them, laughter in the fields, endless races and smiling and then that village party. He remembers it all. “Well, that Dingle got to spend the _whole_ summer with the lad and it was the best time of his life.”

 

  
\--

 

  
Aaron had this laugh, it was contagious, Robert realised. He had this smile too and it blinded him almost every time because it was so bright. He didn't smile very much but when he did, it was everything because Aaron, he could smile like mad.

“Robert, you need to help me.” Aaron said, looking over at Robert who was walking slowly towards him, teasing him on purpose as he struggled to carry the hay in the wheelbarrow. His heart jumped like it usually did whenever they were alone, like this. He didn't even know how it happened, if he was honest, he thought, deep down, that Robert hated him just like his father did but apparently that wasn't the case at all. Robert was becoming someone important and he hated that, didn't want to have someone special, not again.

Robert had this way about him which suited Aaron, he didn't pity him, he didn't look at him and wonder why everyone said he was damaged, he was snappy, he could bite back to Aaron's harsh words but then make him laugh straight after.

Laughter. Aaron had almost forgotten what it sounded like but then Robert had tripped on absolutely nothing and landed head first into some mud and he couldn't stop it from bursting out of him.

Robert walked towards Aaron a little quicker, “Uh no I don't. Dad thinks I'm going into the village actually so I could just let you struggle on your own.” He argued, lifting his eyebrow. His dad still didn't know that they were friends, he hardly was paying attention to his son, focusing on chasing up wherever Andy was sneaking off to with Katie.

“You wouldn't.” Aaron said, frowning just a little. “I thought we were meant to be mates?” He asked, eyes fluttering a little towards Robert. Just the look managed to make Robert's whole body _flip_ inside out and his insides turned to jelly. It kept happening to him because of Aaron and he hated it.

“Yeah.” Robert's voice was high, like it had been punctured with something and then he cleared his throat, throwing a hand towards the wheelbarrow. “Fine then.” He said, sighing hard playfully as he helped the younger lad.

Aaron watched him work, he kept doing that, especially when the sun was nearly setting and the golden flickers of light seemed to radiate down onto Robert's skin, soaking in his blonde hair and highlighting the freckles which scattered his nose. He didn't know how he didn't see it all before, why he was almost denying the obvious beauty of the Sugden who was now his friend.

They worked until they were bored, until Aaron asked Robert if he wanted tea at the pub with him and Robert accepted.

They were mates, _yes_ but Robert couldn't deny the way he tensed as he entered the pub and was met with the many Dingle faces staring at him.

“Alright mam?” Aaron asked, he was suddenly really trying to be confident. He didn't want to scare Robert off by doing what he usually did, hiding in himself, head down, not wanting to put a foot wrong.

Chas turned to her son and lifted her eyebrow in surprise as she saw Robert Sugden standing there next to her son. “Yes love, is uh – is Robert your…”

Aaron cleared his throat, blood rushing right to his cheeks. “He's my friend.” He said firmly and Robert patted down his hair awkwardly.

“Aaron helps us on the farm.” Robert said, confused by the fact that Chas didn't seem to even know where her own son disappeared to everyday that summer. “He's really good.” He added, tried to be polite and he caught Aaron smiling at his attempt.

“That's where you've been!” Chas laughed before turning her attention towards a punter and then back to her son again. “Right, I'll get you both some juice and then Marlon can do you some tea.”

Robert nodded his head and followed Aaron towards a small booth, sitting opposite him and catching bits and pieces of the conversations nearby until he decided to talk.

“Your mam doesn't like my family.” Robert said, leaning closer to Aaron. “I can tell.”

Aaron smiled, shrugged his shoulders a little. “Don't think she minds, just Cain who can't stand your lot.”

Robert smiled, it somehow amused him. “Probably ‘cause my dad thinks you're all –“

“Good for nothin’?” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I know what he thinks of me.” He said almost gravely. “Probably why he wants ya to stay clear of me.” He had heard the warnings, over and over again and he felt like some criminal, not just a sixteen year old lad who had been through something traumatic.

Robert swallowed, felt guilty. “Well, I don't think that.” He blurted out and Aaron looked at him seriously.

“You don't?” Aaron asked, he hardly believed it.

Robert shook his head. “We're friends aren't we?” He said, and then suddenly their hands were both pressed down on the table, so close, could almost touch if they wanted to.  
It was in that moment where Aaron knew he wanted to feel Robert's hands. He wouldn't though, he couldn't.

Aaron was stopped by the sight of his sister, blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail and an eyebrow raised towards Robert.

“This the boy you keep pecking my head about?” Liv teased, eyes brightly towards Robert and watching him blush.

“You uh must be Liv?” Robert said, smiled. Aaron talked about her a lot, about her confident she was, how she was the proper Dingle, how she kept Chas sane when all he did was cause her grief.

“That's right.” Liv said, slumping next to her brother and feeling him kick at her foot, punishment for making him sound like all he did was talk about the farm boy when it - wasn't true.

Marlon came towards them, this long gangly thing, a kind and above the board Dingle, rare to find in the village. He settled down their food and then paled as he looked towards the door. “Aaron mate…”

Robert shot a look to Aaron and then at the door, the same ginger man was standing there, he looked drunk and Aaron cowered.

“Let's go.” Aaron said as soon as he found himself able to speak, he could hardly get his words out, fear struck him as soon as he saw him standing there. “Liv, just – go find Gabby.” He said, watched her grow fearful because she knew about everything, loved him all the same but –

Suddenly Cain was trying to force the bloke out of the pub, “We said clear off, leave the kid alone.” He snapped and Robert sat very still, looking at the man who was struggling against Cain, attempting to come towards him and Aaron.

A sense of protectiveness shot through Robert and he stood up. “Get lost.” He snapped before feeling guilty because you were supposed to respect those who were older and he wasn't.

The man shook his head directly at Aaron, “He your next one?” He spat before looking at Robert. “Run mate, run and don't look back.”

Robert frowned, saw the anger and the pain in the man's expression and then he heard Chas yelling, telling Cain to make the man leave as she held Liv to her frame.

Aaron sat still, focused on the table in front of him and suppressed memories until he heard the door shut, felt weight slowly melt from his shoulders but the thoughts still raged on. He felt sick, knew that he couldn't escape what happened, what he did, not even finding a friend could help him. It would only make people talk even more and Robert didn't deserve that.

“Aaron?” Robert said gently, he was almost always gentle now, calling him Aaron instead of Dingle just to show him how much he did respect him, more than Andy, more than his father.

Aaron didn't reply, stuck in a world of his own and then suddenly was snapped out of it by the feel of Robert placing a hand a his shoulder, touching him, *touching him. “Get off!” He yelled and the whole pub fell into an awkward silence.

Robert blushed hard, felt eyes on him and suddenly Aaron was racing out of the pub, not sparing a second thought for how Robert would feel about being left on his own.

“This is why he can't have friends.” Chas hissed to Cain and Robert frowned, “They'll always link it to Jackson.”

Jackson. A name, the name of the lad who died?

Robert shook his head, decided that it wasn't any of his business really and left the pub in search of somewhere he could be alone.

Robert managed to find a place, it was near the bridge overlooking the little stream just outside the village. There was a log which Robert sat on, shuffled a little as he tried to get comfortable. It was late, but the sky didn’t know yet and Robert could see the navy colour of it clouding all his vision. The wind softly hit his face and a pang of sadness thumped him hard. He thought of Aaron, of whatever he did, whatever the man hates him for and he didn't like it. A part of him questioned why he cared so much but then he thought hard, long and hard, and he realised that Aaron was his friend, his only friend, and yeah, despite how quickly it had happened and how little he knew about the lad, he liked him and he didn't want to see him upset.

Robert held out his hands and sighed before hearing the sound of a branch breaking, his neck nearly snapped as he looked up and saw Aaron standing nearby, his face half hidden as he glanced at Robert, almost wide eyed.

“Did ya follow me?” Aaron asked, shocked that Robert had found his special place.

Robert stood up awkwardly, swallowed hard and then shook his head. “Course not. Just needed to clear my head, I found this place.”

Aaron nodded and then felt this need to come closer to Robert because he'd run but he'd managed to find him regardless. Aaron came further into the light so that the older man could see his face better and Robert gulped once he saw that Aaron had tears in his eyes, face puffy and red. He hated it, it made him burn with anger because someone was capable of making his friend stop smiling that smile and – cry instead.

“Aaron.” Robert said firmly, “That man was …”

Aaron shook his head, felt himself want to cry again. “Don't, Rob.” He said uncomfortably. He hated it, he didn't want Robert knowing about what happened, about what he did, because it would be _Robert_ running not him. “Sorry for just leaving like that.” He admitted before sitting down on the log and gesturing for Robert to do the same.

Robert sat, hitched his breath a little as he realised how close they'd have to squeeze together. “It's not your fault he makes ya uncomfortable.”

Aaron winced. “It's not just _him_ ,” he looked down at his hands, saw them shaking and debated with himself whether it was wise to tell Robert, to scare him off potentially. He just wanted a mate.

“I know what it is.” Robert said, looking at Aaron's face change from sadness to surprise.

“Yeah?” Aaron whispered, almost astounded.

Robert turned his body a little more towards Aaron, “Your mate, Jackson, he was – he uh was a homosexual.” Aaron flinched at the words. “And he died. That man’s his father, I'm guessing, and he probably thought you and him were, ya know…” There's something in the way Robert looks as he speaks which makes Aaron's heart sink and he can't speak.

“But you weren't, right?” Robert asked, tried to find some sort of truth.

Aaron sat there, unsure of himself, of what to say because he'd lose a friend if he found out he was like that too. He wouldn't want to have anything to do with him, maybe they could become even closer if Robert didn't know he was like that, maybe he could relax with Robert without fear that his friend would run scared, think he wanted to kiss him or something daft.

“No we weren't. His dad just blames me.” Aaron lied, half giving the story for Robert to hear.

Robert's shoulders relaxed. “Good.” He said before shaking his head. “I mean – not good but – fine. I'm – look, can we still be friends?”

Aaron frowned. “But why?” He didn't get it. “They're all gonna think that I'm – that you and me…”

“Who cares?” Robert said, leaned even closer to Aaron as if to prove a point, didn't expect his insides to turn to jelly yet again. “You're my best friend Aaron.”

Aaron nodded, let out a shaky breath and had to stop looking into Robert's eyes. “You're my best friend too.” He admitted.

“I know I can't make up for Jackson but –” Robert watched Aaron wince, noted that it was off limits.

“You don't have to. I like ya for you.” Aaron could hardly raise his head up and Robert was grateful he didn't see his reaction, or hear the way his heart seemed to flutter. “Best mates yeah?”

“Best mates.” Robert said, shoving at Aaron's shoulder and then looking up at the sky. Aaron laughed for the first time in hours, looked up at the sky with Robert and resisted to reach out for his hand.

Robert and Aaron fell into a pattern, a terribly tragic one where they suddenly became too attached to each other, too soon.

They would spend hours together, working on the field without Andy in sight. By then he was besotted with Katie, everyone knew about it and Robert was surprised by how little he cared. They had their special spot where they would stare up at the sky and talk, just talk to each other about everything and anything and then they'd listen, inch closer and closer towards each other each time.

Robert breathed out a heavy sigh as he pulled off his overalls and dramatically fell down on the crops, almost getting lost in them and dragging Aaron down with him. They used to do that often, hide from Jack and his sometimes too watchful eye.

The sun was shining down on them, so brightly that Robert had to look towards Aaron instead of the sky.

“You're always slacking.” Aaron panted out, playing with the crop in his hands and then frowning. “You still gonna slack like this when the whole thing is yours?”

Robert was shocked by the question, it made him feel old, feel like he'd suddenly had a crushing weight pressed down on him and he wriggled. “Dunno.” He shrugged. “It won't be mine anyway.”

Aaron frowned. “Course it will.” He rolled a little closer to Robert, avoided the sun-rays, “I mean you're blood aren't ya? Andy's –“

“His favourite.” It came blurting out, doing back flips and he immediately regretted again.

Aaron shifted his weight, looked almost sorry for Robert and then he tried to hard it. “He won't leave ya with nought.”

Robert shrugged, “Maybe not.” He looked at Aaron, “Don't really care anyway,” he sighed. “I don't plan on sticking around here.”

Aaron lifted his eyebrow. “Yeah?” He said, something tore in him a little. “Go on then, where you gonna go Sugden?”

Robert grinned, thankful for the change of subject. “I don't know. Maybe somewhere grand, some place far far away from here like Australia.”

Aaron's eyes widened. “ _Australia_?” It's mad, he's only heard of it from his crazy grandad Shadrach who used to drink his body weight in ale. It seemed so far away. “That's - it's like a whole other world.”

Robert was stupidly happy with Aaron's reaction. “Yeah it is.” He said, leaning towards Aaron and then staring right into his eyes, “Hey, if I ever do, fancy coming with me?”

Aaron froze, felt everything inside him churn. It was a beautiful thought. “I'll think about it.” He said, feeling himself blush hard and he had to fall back on the crops to stop Robert seeing how happy he was.

Robert sighed hard, “We can go wherever we want once we're older.” He said, looked at Aaron seriously, “Promise me we’ll go together.”

Aaron nodded, smiled. “You're my best mate.” He said with a shrug as if it was enough to say but then he pushed at Robert's shoulder. “Promise.”

That night Robert felt the wrath of his father and yet he still didn't seem to mind. It was like he was in this bubble which he and Aaron had made and nothing and no one could possibly bring him down now that he was planning all these adventures with Aaron. Somehow he knew at such a young age that he'd know Aaron for the rest of his life.

“I told ya not to talk to Dingle.” Jack warned, cornering Robert before he went into his room. “I _said_ –“

“I have to, we have to work together.” Robert said, folded his arms, “Even more now that Andy’s walking out with Katie.” Everyone knew it, they had been walking out with one another for a while by then.

Jack rolled his eyes and then squinted. “You weren't working with him, in the field, I saw ya just talking in the crops. I saw ya.”

Robert gulped hard, looked towards his feet.

“Just stay away from him, do the bare minimum amount of bloody talking to him, you hear me?”

Robert heard him, just didn't listen.

 

  
\--

 

 

“Rob?” Aaron looked at Robert, he'd been quiet all day as they worked together, thoughts jammed into his mind. Robert looked at him, raised an eyebrow as he shifted on the pile of hay. The barn had quickly become their place whenever it was raining outside and the spot by the bridge wasn't suitable.

“Yeah?” Robert said, watching the way Aaron seemed to looked worried. “You've hardly said a word all day.”

Aaron bit his lip and swallowed hard. “I heard Pollard talking today.” He said, “He was – was talking about war. He said that – that we're going to help France, get ourselves mixed up in it. He said, ‘all this talk of peace is nonsense’, what if he's right?”

Robert had this desperate urge to reach towards Aaron and pull him close then. It was horrible seeing Aaron scared, he'd grown to hate the way Aaron cried sometimes when he thought no one was looking. “He's said that for months now, don't listen to it.”

Robert watched as Aaron tried to nod. “Look mate, there's nought to worry about.” He said, shrugged his shoulders and then tried to smile. “Even if we _did_ go to war then –“ he suddenly stands up and starts moving his hands about. “It'd be _exciting_. Imagine it, us, fighting for country, doing our parents proud.” He stood with his chin raised high up towards the barn ceiling and then heard Aaron laugh, it made him feel fuzzy.

“Laughing are ya?” Robert said playfully before pulling up Aaron's arms and ignoring the boy's protest. “Come on, we're soldiers Dingle!” He said, watching Aaron roll his eyes, “Stand straight Dingle,” he ordered as he grabbed at Aaron's shoulders and then slowly attempted to pull up Aaron's arms so that they formed a gun shape.

“Right Dingle, make sure ya get him just between the eyes.” Robert laughed, rolled his head back and then felt Aaron freeze around him, drop his hands and shake a little.

“It's not funny.” Aaron gulped, couldn't turn his body around as spoke, he could hear the rain thundering down outside, looked up to the barn ceiling and saw rain splutter through too and a part of him hoped that it would drown out the sound of his tears. He hated himself for being so stupid, for becoming so emotional.

Robert felt his insides churn, didn't know what to say.

“You're just casually talkin’ about blowing some poor lad’s brains out.” Aaron still looked away from Robert and then felt Robert turn him round, hold him by the shoulders.

“Hey, mate I was only – only joking.” Robert blurted out, feeling awful. He was just trying to show off, thought Aaron would like him being brave.

Aaron suddenly rubbed at his eyes, “Killing someone isn't a _joke_.” He said before sighing and walking towards the barn door.

“Aaron it's raining out there, Aaron you can't…” Robert tried to stop Aaron but he was too late, Aaron was already pulling the door open and running away. He was always good at running away.

 

\--

 

Robert frowns, “That Dingle, always running isn't he?” He says, a little amused by the story, of what the man in front of him is saying.

Aaron blushes, Robert had said that before to him, years ago, years and years ago. “Yeah, but – but the other lad is always running after him. He won't ever stop.”

Robert raises an eyebrow, “He ran after him?” He says quickly.

Aaron remembers the feel of the rain, the way it kissed him over and over again, the sound of Robert running towards him. “Yeah, and he made him better, made him smile again.”

 

\--

 

Robert stood still in the barn, racked his brain as he thought about how sad he'd made Aaron. He didn't like himself suddenly, he hated how easy he could hurt, could wound Aaron's fragile heart. It took seconds for something inside him to begin to surge towards the door, pulling it open with such a force that he nearly fell back. The rain was crashing down hard and Robert was for a second in awe because it had been a hot summer, the air was still prickled with a heart as he felt the water fall onto his shoulders. It was ongoing, wouldn't stop, made Robert have to turn his head away from the direction it was hitting most.

Then he saw him, he saw Aaron running and before he could think – he was running too.

“Aaron!” Robert shouted, felt as though he was in some sort of battle ground, rescuing a wounded soldier, risking his life in the dangerous environment as he ran and ran and didn't even stop when it became hard to breathe.

Aaron stopped running, the rain had soaked away his tears and then he heard Robert, he'd come after him? He'd bothered to –

“Aaron.” Robert said, catching his breath as he approached Aaron, tried to make him not run again.

Aaron gulped down all he felt and grabbed Robert by the shoulders, “It's raining you nutter.” He said, had to practically yell over the sound of the rain as he looked around and realised that they were at the edge of the field, nearly completely hidden from the farm and instead on open land. “And they say I'm mad!” He said, lightness in his tone that Robert had missed.

“I – I said something wrong, m’sorry.” Robert panted, the rain only hitting them harder as they stood there, just staring at each other, Aaron's hands still placed firmly on Robert's shoulders, he couldn't move them didn't want them moved.

Aaron looked away, gulped. “No. Don't be.” He said, “I just get – get like that sometimes, you know.”

Robert did, he knew what Aaron was like by then.

Robert shook his head, felt Aaron slowly pull his hands away from him. “Just wanted to see ya smile.” He said, referring to the play acting he lamely attempted in the barn.

Aaron felt something inside him burst and he smiled, a genuine one. “Well seeing ya like this did.” He pointed at Robert's clothes, they were completely soaked through.

Robert rolled his eyes and suddenly started messing up his hair, letting the water fall through it as he saw the loose curls of Aaron's hair start to appear. He looked adorable. “Who cares?” He shrugged. “About _war_ , about this bloody place, about _anything_.”

Robert suddenly started to unbutton his shirt, a wild frantic need to be free ran through him and Aaron's eyes widened.

“What are ya playing at?” Aaron asked, staring at Robert in shock.

Robert pulled off his top. “Who cares about _dad_ , or the Dingles, or what anyone thinks? Don't _worry_ about any of that Aaron.”

Aaron hitched his breath, looked at his best mate, his brilliant blonde brainy fireball of a best mate and everything inside him wanted to cry out. “Why are ya taking –“

Robert shrugged, the rain was starting to ease off a little but then he heard a crackle of thunder and he suddenly was forming a huge grin on his face. “I'm having fun!” He shouted, pulling off his trousers with a swift movement and Aaron felt his heart hammer in his chest.

Robert Sugden was half naked, standing in front of him, in the rain, at the edge of a field.

Aaron gasped, “You're – I mean – Rob, you're …”

Robert suddenly pulled at Aaron's arms and circled round him, “Come on! Crack a smile Dingle!” He said, feeling almost completely alive.

Aaron twitched, felt his heart beat a little faster and then suddenly he was pulling at his shirt, then his trousers and then –

Robert was laughing, laughing like mad because Aaron had pulled his pants off too. Aaron Dingle was standing completely naked in front of him. He quickly searched over his body, sighted a few scars over his chest and then looked further down – he couldn't believe that Aaron was standing there, standing there with no clothes on. It made a swirl of something strange begin to bubble inside him and he didn't know what the hell it meant.

Aaron suddenly covered himself, clambered for his clothes but then Robert pulled his pants down and Aaron didn't know _what_ to do.

“See, don't matter!” Robert screamed, taking Aaron by the hand and suddenly dancing around in the fields, rolling his head back and licking at the rain which still poured down. Aaron couldn't describe it, the way everything seemed to just melt away, he just let go and it was so easy, it was just too easy to be completely free, completely and utterly free with Robert.

So he carried on being like that, he held Robert's hand, couldn't handle the feeling which raced through him at the feel of Robert so close to him and –

He danced in the rain all night with his best friend.

 

  
\--

 

 

Aaron shuts the book, feels his heart flutter at the memory. He can still feel the rain, still feel Robert's hand in his as they swirled around in the field that night. He looks up, finds Robert's face staring at him, the wrinkles around his eyes make Aaron feel weak.

“He – they danced in the rain?” Robert says, there's something he can remember, it jolts him and then it fades just as quickly.

Aaron leans towards him, doesn't even know why he has tears swimming in his eyes, “It was the _best_ time of the Dingle lad’s life, being with the lad in the rain that night.”

Robert tries to smile, “Naked?” He whispers, almost like a child.

Aaron nods. “Completely naked.” He laughs.

Robert likes the sound of the man's – Aaron’s? – laugh. He smiles at Aaron and then suddenly frowns. “Hold on, surely they got – got ill from –“

Aaron bites his lip and smiles. “The Dingle lad was lucky, Sugden _not_ so much.”

 

 

  
\--

 

 

Robert thought he was dying. He sneezed and coughed and spluttered and his head was in complete agony as he rested in his bed.

Victoria was keeping him company, playing with her dolls on his bed and making sure he drank the water left out for him.

“Vic, get dad again, I think I'm going to die.” Robert groaned, tried to pull himself up on the bed and then he suddenly thought of the night before, he'd never felt like that, he'd never _behaved_ like that. Thinking in the cold light day however made Robert almost cringe, he couldn't help but think about what he'd father would say to him if he knew what had happened, how he'd ended up bed bound with a chesty cough and a cold that wouldn't go away.

Vic rolled her eyes and slumped off the bed, rolling herself along the ground and making Robert let out a small smile. Andy appeared at the door rather suddenly and Robert's smile faded, he'd almost forgotten what having a brother felt like over those past few weeks.

“How did this happen then?” Andy asked, looked actually a bit concerned. “It's _summer_.”

“It was raining last night, a lot.” Robert's eyes darted a little around the room. “You'd have known if you bothered to help on the farm.”

“Oh don't make out the _Dingle_ lad isn't hangin’ round ya like a bad smell.” Andy said, laughed despite the way Robert pulled a face, “Bet he woke up with a cold too.” He said, shaking his head before he left.

Robert felt anger rise through at just the reference to his best friend but the next minute he knew, his eyelids were closing, he was dreaming of being in the rain again, holding Aaron's hand, feeling his best mate’s skin press against his own just for a second as they ran. Then, Aaron spinning him round, closing the gap between their bodies and –

Robert practically leaped from his bed, panting and surrounded by his own sweat soaked clothes. His mouth was painfully dry, it was hard for him to catch his breath and then suddenly he saw him standing by the door, Victoria was tugging at his leg and trying to get his attention but it was failing.

Aaron was just focused on Robert, he came closer to the bed, leaned down and suddenly he was combing through Robert's hair. The tenderness of his actions made Robert breath gently and then he couldn't help but let out a little smile.

“Your sister wasn't lying then.” Aaron said seriously, eyes flickering like mad. “You look awful Rob, and pale and –“

“Is this you trying to make me feel better?” Robert said, sniffling a little as he watched Aaron's face soften.

Aaron sighed, sniffled a little and then sneezed. “Sorry.” He said, one hand still combing through Robert's hair. It made Robert's eyes flutter shut, made him think back to who used to comb his hair like that, his mum, his mum was the only person he could think of. “You were so daft last night.” He blushed, couldn't believe it really. Not even when he had a clear memory of it, of dancing and looking up at the stairs as soon as the rain cleared, pulling on their soaked clothes, waving goodbye as the sky turned from navy to black.

Robert smiled. “We both were.” He coughed suddenly and then saw Victoria running towards him.

“Water! Aaron help him!” Victoria squealed, had a hand out frantically and Aaron chuckled, leaned over and raised the water to Robert's lips. For a second he just focused on Robert's breathing, the way he seemed to need the water quickly, the way he relaxed as soon as he swallowed.

Aaron leaned further towards Robert, “Better.” He whispered and Victoria smiled at Aaron, content that the brother was in good hands as she disappeared out the room.

“Your dad’s in the village, so is Andy, I thought I'd see if you were alright.” Aaron shrugged, suddenly feeling the need to explain himself.

Robert nodded, “Glad you did.” He said, without thinking.

Aaron bit his lip and then ducked his head, “Why did ya come after me?” He said, a little shy.

Robert leaned his head back on the pillow and smiled. “Where you go, I go, Dingle.” He said, pushing his chest out and saluting like a soldier.

He hoped it masked how true his words were (it didn't)

Instead it just made Aaron's heart turn to jelly and he had to resit the urge to hold Robert's hand once again.

 

  
\--

 

  
Robert smiles faintly, he has a flash of a memory in his mind and it won't budge. “Did they hold hands? Did – did one of them stay and hold ..."

Aaron feels everything inside him come alive as he leans forward, Robert's remembering he thinks frantically. “Yes, yeah – the Dingle lad stayed all that day, and when Sugden was asleep he, he held his hand. He – told him things he hadn't told anyone.”

Robert frowns. “Like what?” He asks, clears his throat as Aaron's eyes dart around the place.

He doesn't want to drag it all up again, it was so long ago, almost like a different lifetime but he has to make sure Robert is reminded of everything. “Like – like what he did those months ago, with Jackson.”

 

 

\--

 

 

Jack wasn't back yet, Victoria was playing out near the fields was her dolls and Aaron found himself staring at Robert, watching him sleep.

He was beautiful.

Aaron smiled, couldn't get past the feeling deep inside him, this need to be honest, this need to not lie, he wanted Robert to know the truth.

Aaron gingerly clasped Robert's hand and squeezed it. “Rob?” He whispered, saw Robert stay still and somehow it was better that way, telling Robert this way he thought would be easier. “I have to tell ya my secret.” Robert was still sleeping, chest still rising and falling. “It's about Jackson. I need to tell you what happened. The truth.”

The wind seemed to pick up just a little and the window suddenly slammed shut by itself making Aaron shudder, hold Robert's hand tighter.

“Me and him, we – you were right, he was a homosexual, but – he wasn't the only one.” Aaron lifted his head. “We liked each other, we – we were – we could have been –“ Aaron blushed, remembered Jackson's kind smile. “We used to kiss each other Rob, over and over again and then we'd laugh. He made me not hate myself for it but then – then he got hurt. We were playing around near his cottage, he fell back into some old machinery line and it caught his legs –“ Aaron stopped, remembering the shouting from Jackson, how loud it was.

“I couldn't stop the machine.” Aaron said, almost frantic as he relived the memory. He could feel tears swell in his eyes. “I just _couldn’t_. His dad came and got him out, told me to – to go and get help.” He sniffed and sighed shakily. “There was blood _everywhere_. I – I didn't know who to call for but – but help came.”

Robert's eyes were closed still. He wasn't stirring. Aaron blew out a breath, thankful.

“They said - they'd have to – take ‘em off, his legs, I – he hated that, he hated everything. He wanted to die Rob, he – he filled this cup with – all sorts, stuff that'd burn your insides and – he made me give it to him, he couldn't do it himself, so I had to – kill him.”

Aaron swallowed, broken down then as he let go of Robert's hand and started to cry into his own. He couldn't stop.

“I'm a fag and I killed my own –“

Suddenly Aaron felt a hand on his own, Robert, he had tears in his eyes which rolled down his cheek and Aaron was stunned. He was listening.

“Don't Aaron.” Robert said, couldn't breathe, couldn't believe his friend had suffered so much pain. He hated everything.

Aaron started crying once again. “Robert, please don't hate me for being a pansy.” He said quickly.

Robert scowled. “ _Don’t_ call yourself that. Please don't Aaron.” He said, a hand suddenly began stroking Aaron's cheek.

Aaron squinted. “You don’t hate me?” He asked, felt confused as he saw how tender Robert was being with him. “Robert, I'm a murderer.”

Robert shook his head, “You're the bravest boy I've ever known.” He whispered, his thumb still stroking Aaron's cheek.

Aaron cried a little more then, threw his arms around Robert and then pulled away embarrassed, it was that moment when he first knew what he felt, definitely, he knew how deep his affection delved for Robert Sugden. He couldn't deny it any longer, didn't even want to.

  
\--

 

Aaron fights the tears that start to swell in his eyes, suddenly he wants nothing more than to go back there again, to have those young and untainted feelings for Robert Sugden.

“Did – what happened next then?”

Aaron doesn't expect Robert to keep listening, realises that this is quickly becoming a self indulgent thing for him because Robert will switch off soon. He knows. But then Aaron's lifting his head, gulping, he opens the book again, looks towards the next page and sees a name pressed down onto the paper.

“Robert thought he needed to prove himself and a girl called Donna caught his eye.” It's a painful sort of memory, your first heartbreak.

 

 

\--

 

Robert caught them. He didn't mean to but he did, Andy was smiling, face red and blotchy and Robert looked down, saw his belt on the floor, Katie in his bed, shoulders bare, covers hugging at her frame.

She let out a gasp, Robert stumbled back, wished he hadn't just walked into Andy's room so easily.

“Rob, get out!” Andy yelled, chucking something towards his brother and forcing Robert to slam the door shut.

He felt strange, it was weird to think that Andy and Katie were *serious. He wondered if Andy knew himself what would happen now, he'd marry Katie, she'd have his babies, inherit the farm, grow old with her. He couldn't turn back now, make Katie an old maid who no one wanted because she slept around.

Robert had the thought on his mind as he sat in the barn with Aaron. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about it.

“You're awfully quiet.” Aaron said, tilted his head as he laid back on the hay and watched Robert sit up, focused hard on his shoe laces instead of Aaron. “Has something happened?” It was doubt which crept into his mind, a few weeks had gone by since he had told Robert his secret. “Is it about – what I told ya, I'd understand if …”

Robert nearly snapped his neck. “No.” He said quickly before blushing. “Andy and Katie have sex.”

Aaron looked a little awkward, sat up on the barn hay. “Right.” He cleared his throat, “Did he tell ya, was he _gloating_.”

Robert shook his head. “I caught them, obviously just finished.” He felt his stomach flip and then looked at Aaron. “Now I just feel like a stupid virgin.” He kicked at the roll of hay in front of him angrily.

Aaron frowned, “Why? Don't be daft.”

Robert squirmed. “Did you – with – did you…” He couldn't even meet Aaron's eye.

Aaron blushed, “Course not.” He wriggled. “It never got to be like that.” He said, fought back the way he wanted to say that he never got to love him enough to want to do that.

The air was a little awkward and then Aaron sighs. “You want to have sex?” He asked Robert boldly.

Robert scoffed. “What teenage lad doesn't?”

Aaron rolled his eyes, decided not to comment.

 

  
\--

 

  
Andy couldn't meet Robert's eye over supper, both of them had their heads knelt down until Jack was upstairs putting Victoria to bed.

“What ya saw,” Andy cleared his throat. “You can't tell dad.”

Robert pinched at his fork, tense. “You gonna marry her?” He asked, didn't know what else to say.

Andy looked a little stunned and then nodded. “Course, eventually.”

Robert shrugged, “Fine then.” He said, not wanting to speak any more about it.

“Is it?” Andy asked. “I know you're jealous.” Robert suddenly scowled. “But it will happen, once you stop mucking round with that Dingle and get yourself a lass of your own.”

Robert sighed, “Whatever.”

“You know Katie's got a friend, I'm meeting her tomorrow. Maybe …"

Robert flushed red. “I'm not a charity case.” He said quickly, feeling embarrassed. “I don't need your help with _girls_.”

“You'll thank me when you get to – ya know, it's worth the awkward first meeting mate, I'll tell ya that now.” Andy stood, clasped a hand on Robert's shoulder as he passed him, leaving Robert feeling too confused to think.

It _was_ awkward, very awkward and Robert wanted to hide himself. The girl’s name was Donna, she was in the year above him, had a nice smile which tugged at Robert's heart. He wanted to kiss her almost immediately but he didn't know why. It wasn't because she was a wonder, a beauty which he was graced with seeing, no, but it wasn't because she made him laugh or because he enjoyed her company a lot. Deep down it was because he thought he _ought_ to kiss her, he thought he should _want_ to.

“This place is – quiet.” Donna said, flicking her hair back a little and flashed a smile at Robert. She had long brown hair, a fashionable fringe which he assumed her mother had cut because no one round the village would think to do anything too adventurous or removed from a girl’s traditional look.

“Yeah. I mean – yeah it's a bit quiet.” Robert couldn't even speak to her properly, couldn't even meet her eye.

Donna smiled, “You're not like Andy.” She said and Robert had no idea how to react. “You're _different_.”

He'd heard that before – people had said he was different because he was lazier, worked harder in school than on the farm and apparently that didn't make him normal.

Robert nodded, walked with her outside of the house and looked around the rolls of grass and crops. The sun was setting and he squinted to look, immediately he thought of Aaron and he felt like someone had just whacked him over the head with the realisation that he hadn't met Aaron that way. Not once. He knew that Aaron wasn't working but he was sure Aaron had promised to sneak in later, ‘watch the sun set and see how long it takes for the stars to come out of hiding’, Aaron could be good with words when he wanted to be.

The sky was blushing, pink and scarlet mixed in with rays of orange and specs of gold but Robert couldn't see its beauty, he wanted to see it with his best friend, not with this Donna who was probably really nice. It didn't feel the same, it couldn't.

Suddenly he felt her pull a hand in his and he stared down at their joint hands clasped together, _God_ she's forward, he thought as she smiled at him. He'd only just met her and yet he knew where she wanted this all to be heading.

“I like, different.” Donna said, almost sweetly and then she squeezed Robert's hand tighter.

His heart flipped a little at her acceptance of him, however small it was and then tried to squeeze back but all he thought about was Aaron and how it felt to hold his hand. Donna's hands were too soft, to delicate in his own and he didn't like it as much as Andy said he would. He didn't let go, almost felt like he owed it to himself to be wanted like this.

 

  
\--

 

  
Aaron made his way into the barn and turned his head around, trying to look for Robert. He had his uncle Zak's cap on and he patted down on his head, caught his breath a little because he'd stupidly ran the whole way just to show Robert.

“Rob?” Aaron looked around, saw the empty barn and felt a shiver race through him as he realised he was alone.

Something told him to turn and look towards the farm house and suddenly he squinted, he could see Robert standing there, head bent towards the ground and a girl, standing next to him, laughing.

An ugly dark part of him twisted up inside and he felt something thud inside him, he felt like his head was hammering, wouldn't stop going and then he felt his mouth fall open.

He was walking before he could even grasp how he could and then he was coming closer – he was seeing Robert holding her hand and something inside him shattered. He wanted to turn round, pretended like he hadn't even seen but then Andy caught sight of him.

“What ya doing here?” Andy asked, forcing Aaron to look his way, to come closer towards the house.

That's when Robert whipped his head round, let go of Donna and looked uncomfortable at the sight of Aaron. He was wearing this cap, donning a pair of grey trousers, long braces clipped down. It had been a while since Robert had seen him out of his overalls for a while and he was stunned by his beauty for a second.

“I was just…” Aaron stammered, couldn't meet Robert's eye.

“Just what? You told dad ya couldn't work today.” Andy argued, obviously still doing his best to be on his father's side, almost blindly.

Robert scowled. “Leave off.” He said quickly, looked at Aaron and then gulped. If Andy knew they often met in the barn then he'd tell their father, it would get all messy and Aaron would be turned away and Jack would be Disappointed to say the least.

Aaron didn't want to be rescued, fought against a scowl of his own.

“Why are ya here then?’ Andy asked, frowning as he leaned back against the frame of the farm door and crossed his arms.

“I was – I was just giving this back.” Aaron quickly took off his cap, ruffled his hair and then held it in his hands feebly. “To Robert.”

Andy laughed, looked towards his brother and then rolled his eyes, suddenly bored of investigating. Donna stood there for a second before disappearing out into the fields with Katie, Andy following behind them.

Robert's cheeks were red and then he looked at the cap, dug one hand in his pocket and smiled. “This is mine then?” He teased, tried to at least.

Aaron shrugged, looked towards the floor. “It's my uncle Zak’s, thought I'd look like a proper farm lad if I wore it.”

“You looked great.” Robert blurted out, then cleared his throat and looked towards the house. “Vic's in, you want to go and say hello.”

Aaron wanted to say no, he wanted to go home, to run all the way, he wanted to cry. “Fine.” He lied.

Victoria was happy to see him, pulled him down and made him look at her toys, ran his hands through the doll’s hair. Robert watched, felt his heart swell and then looked outside towards Donna. Aaron looked up at him.

“I can watch Victoria if that's what you're worried about.” Aaron said bitterly. “Didn't mean to – to get in the way of whatever you were doing with that girl.”

Robert felt his heart thud. He heard the way Aaron was talking. “I wasn't doing _anything_.” He blurted out.

Aaron rose to his feet, away from Victoria. “I saw ya holding hands.” He said quickly, “Well done mate, ya feel normal just like Andy now?” It was a horrible thing to say, he knew it was but he couldn't take it back.

Robert's eyes flickered and he found himself leaning back against the kitchen counter for support. “Why are you being mean?” He asked. “Have I done something wrong?” He said, panicked. He wanted Aaron to tell him he had, that he shouldn't see Donna again, he didn't know why though.

Aaron felt guilty almost immediately and shook his head. “Ignore me.” He said before sighing, “I better go.” Aaron tried to move but Robert grabbed at his wrist.

“Aaron, tell me what's wrong.” Robert said quickly, his breathing becoming hard to keep up with. “You – I mean is it ‘cause I forgot we were meeting tonight because if so then I'm _sorry_.” Aaron looked down at Robert's grip on him and suddenly he felt all this emotion overwhelm him. “Aaron? Mate, are you crying?”

Aaron snapped his neck up and yanked his arm away quickly. “No.” He forced out, didn't know what else to say. He felt this overwhelming sense of misery hit him, it had happened again, only this time _so_ much deeper. He had gone and made everything _wrong_. “Leave me alone, okay.” He said feverishly, his feet walking towards the door.

Robert's heart rate increased, “Why? Aaron, mate, listen to me – just tell me what's wrong. Is it Donna?”

 _Donna_. Aaron hated Donna, he didn't know her, but he hated her because she's ruined everything, just like his stupid heart had done.

“No!” Aaron shouted, pushed Robert just a little. “Are ya deaf? I said _no_ so just – just leave me alone.”

A tear fell down Aaron's face and Robert felt his heart flutter, “You're sad.” He whispered, “Aaron, please…” He made a mistake, attempted to touch Aaron's face, they had been affectionate to each other like that for days when Robert was poorly. Aaron would hold his hand, they'd talk about Jackson, about moving on, Aaron would cry and say that Robert was his best friend in the world, and then Robert would ruffle his hair. Now however, it was different. Aaron cringed at his touch, pulled himself away and shook his head, opening the barn door and then feeling Robert pull him back inside quickly.

“Don't – do anything daft now.” Robert's eyes were almost frantic, deeply green, burning inside Aaron. The younger boy felt his heart ache. He knew what he meant.

  
{ _“The scars, on your chest, was it because you felt guilty?” Robert asked, he pulled the covers closer to him as if to hide himself from Aaron's reaction._

_“Yeah.” Aaron blew out a breath. “Look, my mam knows about me – but nobody does. She – she knows that I – I hurt myself too but she can't do ought can she?”_

_Robert winced. “You still do it?”_

_Aaron shook his head and blushed, “Not since I wreaked havoc up here. No.”_

_Robert's heart twisted._

_“No one understands Robert, they'll think I'm mad for hurting myself.” Aaron shuddered, “You don't…”_

_Robert placed a hand on top of Aaron's and shook his head, “No, you're not mad.” He said quickly._

_Aaron tries to smile. “Could we – not mention it.” He said, eyes flickering. “I mean – I don't do it anymore so, I just don't want it to change anything.”_

_“It won't. I promise, I won't bring it up again.”_ }

“You promised.” Aaron whispered, almost like a child. “You *promised that ya wouldn't bring it up.”

Robert winced. “I'm worried for ya. I'm sorry Aaron, please.” He was frightened, he didn't want to lose Aaron over whatever he was saying to cover up his feelings, his thoughts in his mind. “Mate, please…”

“I'm not your mate, leave me alone Robert.”

The door slammed and Aaron ran home, holding his chest to stop it from hurting, it didn't help. Instead it started raining and his chest just raged on, it was _awful_ , made his eyes sting with tears and he hated it all. It was becoming too much to bare, his feelings.

Robert sniffed, refused to _cry_ and then he caught sight of the cap laying in the kitchen table, he had to try really hard to stop the tears from welling in his eyes.

 

  
\--

 

Two days went by and Robert sulked. He wanted to go into the village, he wanted to see Aaron for himself and make sense of everything because he still didn't understand, but he resisted against the urge.

Instead he spent his hours in his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling, feeling sorry for himself. His father didn't bother him, he didn't even care that Aaron was too ‘ill’ to show up for work suddenly, too busy with the the crops, the livestock, the horses.

It felt as though the world around him was moving and yet he wasn't. He was frozen in time.

There was a loud knock on his door and suddenly his father came through the door with Andy behind him. They both looked like they were in a frenzy, wild eyes and red blotchy skin.

“Have you heard son?” Jack said, panting a little. “Eric's told us all, apparently if the Germans don't take their lot out of Poland then ..."

“It's war mate, bloody war.” Andy seemed triumphant as he spoke and Robert looked a little unsettled.

War? War on the country. He'd be going off to war most likely, so why was he still thinking about _Aaron_?

So Aaron was punishing Robert. He knew he was but the more he thought about it, the more he asked himself _why_.

Because he had seen Robert holding hands with Donna after banging on about wanting to lose his virginity?

Because Robert had swooped in and saved him from Andy when he didn't need to be?

Because Robert was so _blind_ to it all and had the audacity to bring up his self harm?

Aaron fought with himself, it had been days, _days_ since they last spoke and it seemed like years back then. He realised that he was thinking of anything else it could be because it just _couldn’t_ be that he was - _jealous_. No, it couldn't be that.

“Aaron, your breakfast!” Chas shouted, stirring Aaron from his bed and down the stairs. He saw the toast on the plate, he wanted it smothered in butter but they couldn't afford it. Robert could, that made him even more bitter.

His mother played with his hair and made Aaron groan and moan until she was done. “You should be outside, enjoying the summer air love.” She says, “Aren't you helping Jack out on the farm still?”

Aaron rolled his eyes, “I told ya, it's done now. And – I should be back at school soon, hardly still summer is it?”

Summer had ended bitterly, utterly bitterly and sad and Robert was to blame, (and his own stupid heart as well)

“Why _did_ ya stop helping out?” Chas said, trying not to look bothered. “Did you and Robert have a falling out?” Aaron stayed silent and her breathing hitched. “Oh God, did he find out you were…”

Aaron sighed. “No mam, just stay out of it.” He pleaded, finishing off his breakfast and then moving towards the bar of the pub, hearing his mum follow behind.

“Oh love, talk to me at least.” Chas said, before sighing and opening the doors of the pub. It took seconds for Zak and Sam to come running in with Eric behind them, he was carrying a small radio and suddenly there was this buzz around the place as more people piled in.

“What's going on?” Chas asked, voice high.

“War!” Eric shouted, adjusting the radio and stepping back. Aaron almost instantly paled.

“Shh! Chamberlain himself is saying summat.” Zak said straining his ear.

“The Germans, we've finally started it!” Aaron heard someone say it, a smile probably on their face and he felt sick. That's when he heard it. Everyone in the pub fell into this silence and the radio raged on.

 _"This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a_  
_final Note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock that they were_  
_prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland, a state of war would_  
_exist between us._

 _I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that_  
_consequently this country is at war with Germany.”_

Aaron's heart gave way, he almost doubled over at the words. War. He couldn't escape that.

Robert had the same chill flow through his body as he sat at the kitchen table and watched Jack pale, Andy smile. He was _stupid_ , yeah Andy was older, not a virgin, but he was _stupid_ to think this was a good thing. They could take the farm, it would be destroyed, people would _die_.

“Jesus.” Jack removed his cap, shook his head and Robert was sure memories came back to his father.

 _“You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win_  
_peace has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything_  
_different that I could have done and that would have been more successful._

 _Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful_  
_and honourable settlement between Germany and Poland, but Hitler would not have it._  
_He had evidently made up his mind to attack Poland whatever happened, and_  
_although he now says he put forward reasonable proposals which were rejected by_  
_the Poles, that is not a true statement. The proposals were never shown to the_  
_Poles, nor to us, and, although they were announced in a German broadcast on_  
_Thursday night, Hitler did not wait to hear comments on them, but ordered his_  
_troops to cross the Polish frontier. His action shows convincingly that there is_  
_no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force_  
_to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force._

 _We and France are today, in fulfilment of our obligations, going to the aid of_  
_Poland, who is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack on her_  
_people. We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any country could do to_  
_establish peace. The situation in which no word given by Germany's ruler could be_  
_trusted and no people or country could feel themselves safe has become intolerable._  
_And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will all play your part_  
_with calmness and courage.”_

Aaron felt tears well in his eyes, his hands were shaking with fear.

Calmness and courage. He couldn't do that.

 _“You may be taking your part in the fighting services or as_  
_a volunteer in one of the branches of Civil Defence. If so you will report for_  
_duty in accordance with the instructions you have received. You may be engaged in_  
_work essential to the prosecution of war for the maintenance of the life of the_  
_people - in factories, in transport, in public utility concerns, or in the supply_  
_of other necessaries of life. If so, it is of vital importance that you should_  
_carry on with your jobs.”_

Robert shuddered, fighting services? It suddenly wasn't a game anymore, a distant idea. He'd be a solider, he'd have to grow up. He'd - he'd fight for his county like a man.

 _“Now may God bless you all. May He defend the right. It is the evil things that we_  
_shall be fighting against - brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and_  
_persecution - and against them I am certain that the right will prevail."_

The right will prevail. Aaron kept thinking about that, how small it sounded, now baseless it felt as everyone began cheering and slamming their hands down on the bar as if it was the best news they'd heard all year.

Aaron didn't think it was good news, not one bit. He felt sick, panicked, he needed to see him, he needed to see Robert right now, he couldn't care about anything else.

Aaron ran the whole way, his feet were sore and his legs ached but he kept running, ran until he reached the barn, _their_ barn and he saw Robert sitting there on a bundle of hay, head in his hands.

Robert looked up, saw Aaron standing there and he instantly stood up. He hadn't seen him for days and his hair was more curled than he remembered, he had his long braces on, black boots and a brown pair of trousers and he was panting like mad.

“Aaron. What are ya...”

Aaron stepped forward. “Did ya hear?” He said, shaking as he looked at Robert. “Rob? Did you –“

“I heard.” Robert swallowed, stunned that Aaron had run all the way clearly, just to tell him.

Aaron's eyes flickered. “I - everything's gonna change now isn't it?” He meant his life, meant the village, the farm, himself and – Robert too.

Robert nodded, it took seconds for him to run and crush Aaron with his weight, holding the younger boy close “Yeah it is.” He couldn't lie to Aaron, couldn't pretend that their lives had just been flipped upside down, that their future hadn't been planned for them.

Aaron let out this tremble and suddenly Robert pushed himself forward, made Aaron cling to him and felt the younger boy bury his head into the crook of his neck, seeking clearly some sort of comfort.

“Don't cry.” Robert whispered, stroking Aaron's back. “We'll be fine.” He said, didn't know how to stop Aaron's pain.

Aaron nodded against Robert, felt like he was safe. “I'm sorry for everything I said.” He whispered, felt himself fall a little into Robert more.

Robert didn't know why but he had tears in his eyes, he didn't cry, never cried but – “None of that matters now Aaron.” He promised.

It didn't, they were at war. That's all that seemed to be matter.

 

  
\--

 

  
That night it happened, darkness fell on the village and suddenly everyone was being told a black out was happening. Blackouts meant that all windows and doors were required to be covered at night with suitable material such as curtains, cardboard or paint, to prevent the escape of any glimmer of light that might aid enemy aircraft. It made everything eerie and closed off and scary, made Liv sleep in bed next to Aaron that night, made Aaron kiss her head and tell her that being scared of the dark would pass, that they'd be okay.

 

  
\--

 

  
Aaron can't help the way he tenses. They've been here before. This is the point where Robert last lost it completely, panicked and went pale and start mumbling all sorts about the war.

Aaron had tried to make him listen but he wouldn't, he was almost in his own world.

“Robert?” Aaron says shakily, sees Robert's expression and can't place it. He doesn't look angry nor confused, he was sitting there, staring.

Robert clears his throat. “War then.” He says knowingly before pulling a hand up to his chin and stroking his face. “War’s a – a nasty game ya know.”

Aaron's eyes flicker. “I know.” He says, feels sick and then he looks towards the page, there's a picture of Jack and Andy and Aaron braces himself for what he has to say next.

 

 


	2. PART II

Everything _did_ change, almost overnight.

War was the only thing people stopped and talked about, everyone had this constant need to know what was happening and it buzzed round the whole village.

The blackouts kept happening too.

“She hates it.” Aaron offloaded on to Robert after another one struck, a stick digging into the ground as he talked about how his nine year old sister seemed to have suddenly become petrified of the dark.

Robert nodded, “So does dad.” He said, “Not for the same reasons obviously, something to do with the land, he reckons that poachers will take advantage of the dark.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, shocked about how Jack’s mind worked. “He really thinks anyone would risk their life to catch some hens.”

It managed to make Robert laugh, and it was enough.

When the next one happened, there was a tap on the window and it was Robert, long legs clambering up the blacked out window and pushing through until he was standing in Liv's room and looking at her and Aaron holding each other tightly in her bed.

It made Robert's heart do something funny and then Aaron was looking at him, wide eyed and shocked.

“Rob, what are ya doing here?” Aaron whispered, watched Robert stand awkwardly and then offer Liv a smile.

“Let him stay.” Liv said quickly, looked up at her brother and then gulped, eyes blinking quickly.

Robert came forward, then held out a hand for Liv to hold and placed a small torch in it. “Here.” He whispered.

Aaron's heart felt like it was starting to ooze and then he raised an eyebrow. “Rob, if someone catches ya waving a torch about –“

Robert looked towards Liv's window, thickly wrapped up in a heavy black material. “Don't think the Germans will see, do you?” He argued with a smile and then looked at Liv. “Let's make some shadows.” He said and Liv smiled, her heart rate slowing back down to normal and enjoying herself as Robert moved his fingers skilfully and began making animals on the walls. Soon Aaron was smiling too.

It lasted, lasted until there was a sound of something hitting the village and then suddenly she was pressed against Aaron and he found his hand in Robert's, squeezing for dear life.

“It'll pass.” Robert whispered, so close that he was almost kissing Aaron's hair, “See.” He added, a few seconds later when there was silence again.

Liv trusted her brother and Robert enough to close her eyes, to sleep soundly against Aaron with him watching her, chest tight as he thought about it happening again, the sound interrupting the quiet again.

But then Robert squeezed his hand. “Mate, it's alright.” Robert managed to whisper, smile at his best friend and then Aaron slowly began leaning his head on Robert's shoulder.

“Stay?” Aaron whispered, unsure of just how needy he sounded.

Robert gulped. “Yeah.” He whispered back, “Always.”

 

\--

 

 

Robert and Aaron met every day in the barn, they didn't speak about it at all. Robert wanted to, he tried to start a conversation about it almost every time but Aaron almost squirmed away from the discussion. It's how they went by for days until they couldn't pretend anymore.

Until there was a truck passing through the lanes, by the fields and heading towards the village. They could both hear it as they lay down on the hay, staring up at the ceiling.

“What was that?” Aaron raised himself and stared wide eyed at Robert who was supposed to be working on the fields.

Robert gulped, blinked hard because he'd been expecting their arrival sooner or later. He knew that they'd come into the countryside later than down South.

“It's the truck, recruitment.” Robert said tentatively, felt Aaron shake near him.

“Recruitment?” Aaron stammered out before looking at Robert. “Are you signing up then?”

Something inside Robert broke

at the tone of Aaron's voice. “I think I'm discussing it with dad tonight, me and Andy can't both go.” He said, knowing that the logical outcome was for him to go, for farm boy Andy to stay, inherit the land, marry Katie. He just didn't want to tell Aaron yet.

Aaron cleared his throat and then gathered to his feet. “I ought to go now.” He said quickly. The atmosphere had changed, it had been ruined because of the war once again.

Robert felt saddened. “You don't have to.”

“I – I do.” Aaron bent his head, walked towards the barn door. “I'll see you later?”

“Later.” Robert nodded, spoke softly.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron walked towards the village, saw Bob Hope standing by the café looking almost pale and he felt sick. The whole village had seemingly turned out with even Edna standing around tutting.

Aaron eyed the officers stepping from the truck, saw his mum winking at them as she attempted to place bunting at the front of the pub. He rolled his eyes at her and then watched as everyone gathered into the village hall. His feet followed, couldn't resist until he was standing right outside. That's when he saw Ross Barton standing there, he looked proud as punch and Donna was holding his arm, looking at him like he was some sort of God.

Ross walked towards the officers who had pulled out a small wooden desk and sat behind it. He was the first one to join the line, Ross Barton was the first boy to give his life to a cause he didn’t even understand.

Aaron watched him, he was smug, he was confident as he gave over his details and then smiled at Donna. Aaron scoffed for a second, realised that Donna had already moved her sights elsewhere.

“Ross!” Aaron looked up and saw Pete standing there, charging over to Ross he held his younger brother by the arm and shook him, “What did we agree? We said I'd go, that you'd look after Finn for as long as ya can.” He hissed, obviously angry.

Aaron winced, everyone was staring at them until Ross rolled his eyes.

“They need all the help they can get.” Ross said, shaking himself. “Tryna be decent here.”

Pete shook his head, “You're being selfish.” He said quickly and then stepped aside, watched all the other young boys in the village step forward.

Aaron watched them all float round him, heart racing until he saw Sam.

“Sam, Sammy what ya playing at?” Aaron hissed quickly, cutting through the growing line and reaching out for his family member, the first Dingle to sign up. Sam Dingle.

“What's it look like.” Sam shrugged. “Signing up, we won't have a choice soon.” He said, stepping forward, away from Aaron.

“Wait, no –“ Aaron tried, he really tried to reach out and hold Sam’s arm but he was too far ahead, he was giving his name, taking his top off and being weighed and examined and Aaron felt sick.

Aaron ran towards the pub, called out for his mum and saw that she had tears in her eyes.

“Oh my boy.” Chas said, cradled Aaron towards her as soon as he was in touching distance.

Aaron squirmed away, head up, he saw Cain and Zak sitting at the bar. There was an officer sitting in the corner, head in a newspaper.

“Sam’s just signed up.” Aaron couldn't believe it, still. “He's - he's signed up.” He blurted out.

Chas sniffed. “We know love.” She shuddered and Cain then drained the rest of his ale.

“It's normal son, we all have to.” Cain sighed hard, “Not you though, you're not old enough yet.”

Aaron's heart ached. He knew who _was_ old enough. He knew Robert was eighteen now. He knew Andy was nineteen. He knew he was just seventeen.

Ross suddenly came through the doors, slamming his hand down on the bar. “Pint please Chas, whilst I'm still around.” Chas nodded, poured quickly whilst Aaron bristled at his confidence.

“You're a brave lad, I'll give ya that.” Zak said, almost gravely as he tilted his head towards Ross.

Ross smiled and then caught sight of Aaron’s expression. “Oh what's wrong? You sad ya can't join up too?”

They hardly talked, _ever_ , and yet Ross was being rude, short and on the verge of aggressive towards Aaron. It was in an instant really, Aaron's defences were sky high and he puffed out his chest.

“Nah, you're all a bunch a fools if ya ask me.” Aaron didn't mean to say that.

Ross raised an eyebrow. “What does that make you then?” He questioned, stepped forward towards Aaron. “I'd say a coward.”

Aaron hated that, he felt sick suddenly.

“A coward _and_ a pansy.” Aaron felt his heart twist at that, staggered back in shock because no one actually spoke about it regardless if they knew or not. It was sudden, quick and at full force as he felt himself fall into Ross, he was tackling him to the ground, pushing and tugging and –

“Aaron, Aaron get off him.” It was a voice he knew, it was Robert who was shouting at him, holding him by the waist and pulling Aaron away.

Aaron stood, shaking almost uncontrollably and then he saw Robert's panic. He hated himself, he hated how scared Robert looked. Cain was shaking his head, Ross was wincing on the floor, groaning and sighing and then the officer was there.

“What did that young lad just say?” The officer cleared his throat, stared hard at Ross and then Aaron. He looked disgusted.

“Nothing officer.” Cain chirped in, “Just lads being – being daft.”

Ross scoffed. “I _said_ , this lad here,” he pointed towards Aaron. “Aaron Dingle, is a great big –“

“Shut your mouth son.” Zak said quickly but Chas wasn't saying anything.

“He's lets just say, a friend of Mrs. King.”

Zak suddenly slapped his hand down on the bar in frustration and Aaron winced, felt his cheeks redden and then he saw the way Robert shuffled on his feet, moving ever so slightly away.

The officer looked at Aaron. “How old are ya?” He asked.

“Seventeen Sir.” Aaron replied, looking at the officer’s uniform, the shiny gold badges and matching buttons, the green lining and the hat. He looked brave and powerful and Aaron felt weak.

“I'll make sure you don't get anywhere near the field.” The officer snarled. “We don't need damaged folk in the British Army.”

“You can't do that.” Robert spoke suddenly. “He'll be fighting for Queen and country just like the rest of us will. He has the right –“

“Robert, leave it.” Aaron said, tried to hide his tears as the officer directed his attention towards Robert.

“I'd take the – the _lad’s_ advice if I were you. I could have him locked up with the other degenerates if it pleased me. You’re lucky there’s a bloody war in the way and no evidence of your crimes.” The officer said before walking out of the pub and leaving Aaron to face the way Cain was looking at him.

“He's got it wrong.” Cain said slowly, looked at Aaron, then Robert.

Chas cleared her throat, looked at her brother and shakes her head. Cain suddenly stood and for a second Aaron thought that he was going to get hit but he wasn’t, instead Cain just sighed hard.

“You have no idea how much trouble your life is gonna be now.” Cain said coldly, passed his nephew and left the pub.

Zak shook his head, held his hands up and then he was leaving too.

Robert tried, he had a hand on Aaron's shoulder and Zak noticed, so did Chas. Aaron was quick to shake him off.

“You should go.” Aaron said, it's too cold and cutting and Robert pulled back, pulled away as far as he could and then he was leaving the pub.

He was suddenly hit by the smiles and then flags waving, all the girls in the village were fawning over the officers who were showing them attention. The flowers were still in bloom, roses were bright and soft and Robert's eyes flickered towards them and then towards the village hall where there was a line which snaked round towards the village church. He saw familiar faces, he saw David and he frowns.

David Metcalfe. He was nice enough, owned the shop, Pollard’s son.

He wasn't overly brave, used to scream when he saw a rat running round the village. But he had signed up. He'd actually done it.

Robert looked further along the line and then his eyes fell on someone, his brother. Andy was standing there, shaky legs and eyes darting around the place. What was he doing there? Robert thought, for just a second though because then he realised what was happening. Andy was signing up before they had even agreed who would go.

Robert felt his legs dragging towards the line and then thought back to Pete and Ross, he wasn't going to make another public show, his father would resent him. Instead he dragged himself back, burned inside again and again because he hated how he didn't get a say. He didn't particularly want to fight but suddenly it became everything he wanted.

An officer came out of the hall. “Right lads, we’ll pick this up tomorrow. Remember to bring your papers alright.” He said before closing the village hall doors.

Robert saw the way Andy looked, he was frustrated at being turned away, at not being able to get in there first. Robert smirked to himself, realised that he'd have to wait, his dear brother would have to face him before tomorrow.

Robert watched as Andy sulked, looked towards the turning out of the village, towards home. Robert went to follow and then heard Aaron's voice behind him.

“Sorry about that.” Aaron said, eyes red and wet from his crying. Robert shook his head, looked at Aaron and then what he was wearing, he had a white blouse in, loose, and a pair of grey trousers on with a black belt hugging him close. He hadn't even noticed how beautiful he looked before.

“Don't matter.” Robert said, attention back in Andy who was slowly disappearing out of his sight.

“Has something happened?” Aaron asked, couldn't help but want to know Robert's problems despite everything he was going through at the moment.

Robert couldn't even pay attention to Aaron. “Yeah.” He mumbled, started to walk out of the village.

Aaron followed quickly. “Tell me.” He pleaded, “Robert, mate –“

“Andy was gonna sign up.” Robert growled, giving in to Aaron and stopping.

Aaron hated the flash of a smile on his face, relief that Robert wouldn't be going. “Is that a bad thing?”

Robert frowned, “How?” He argued, shocked by Aaron's attitude. “He gets to go to _War_. He gets to travel the bloody world and be a hero and I get – a farm.” The wind picked up and then Robert started walking again. “No, no I'm going. I don't care what dad says.”

Aaron felt something inside him break as he watched Robert walk away from him, further and further out of his reach, he tried not to cry, it was impossible though because – because Robert can't go to war. He can't.

Robert charged practically the whole way home, fists balled up, breath harsh. He only managed to calm down once he saw Victoria sitting outside, laying in the grass with her dolls.

Victoria seemed to notice Robert's presence and suddenly shot him a look. “Daddy and Andy are being loud, my dolls don't like it.”

Robert frowned and then heard something, he could hear his father’s booming voice, Andy pleading almost. He was inches from the house and something told him to go further, realise what was going on before they twigged he had come home.

Robert turned towards Victoria and pressed a finger to his lips. “You keep quiet out here, I'll go see what's wrong.” He said, slowly turning towards the house again and creeping up the sodden stairs. The door was ajar and Robert held his breath before peering inside, he could see Andy waving his arms out towards their father, it looked like he had tears in his eyes.

“Dad _please_ , signing up, it – it's a good idea.” Andy stammered out and Robert's heart thudded. He was _still_ trying to get his own way, it wasn't _fair_.

Jack shook his head hard. “For _who_?” He growled. “For the farm, for _Katie_.” That seemed to sting Andy and he almost collapsed in the wooden chair by the table. “Son, it makes sense for Robert to go, he isn't as good on the farm as you.”

Robert didn't know how to feel because, well it wasn't what he wanted to hear, it was hardly praise from his father but he also knew it was true. He knew it was logical.

“You stay put, run the farm, marry Katie and – and Robert gets to go, he gets to leave here like he keeps banging on about.”

Andy frowned. “You say it like this is a holiday dad.” He snapped. “It's _war_.” He hissed.

Jack shook his head, paled. “You think this is easy for me?”

Robert heard it in his voice, he knew his father was breaking at his own words, at the situation.

“Either way, one of my boys is going off to fight.”

Andy stood, “Then let me make it easier for you.” He sighed. “Dad, this is the only way.” He added, almost in whisper. “You know I need to do this.”

Robert blinked, moved further towards the door, holding it open just a little further and then frowned. He didn't understand, he didn't get what Andy meant. Why did he _need_ to do it?

Jack suddenly paled again. “ _No_. No son, don't you think like that.”

“It's true dad, I need to pay, I need to – to do something _brave_ and noble or – or I'll go _mad_ with guilt.” Andy started crying then, shaking and holding his head. “I can't keep pretending dad.”

Robert felt his heart pound against his chest, this feeling of dread seeped through him suddenly.

Jack shook his head, “You have to.” He demanded, “You going to war won't get rid of what ya did, it won't make up for the fact that –“

“I killed her though dad,” Andy cried, almost broke down again and then Robert's eyes widened, he instantly felt like he was going to be sick and his head banged, almost relentlessly. Who? Who did –

“I killed mam, in that stupid barn, I did that, _me_.” Everything went quiet, it felt like the world stopped spinning, like the ground was ready to swallow Robert up and drag him down into the blackest depths of Hell. He couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't move. It felt as though everything twisted inside him, like he was being continuously hit over the head with a blunt object.

He didn't do anything until he realised he had pushed the door open wide and he saw his father staring wide eyed at him. He had never seen his father look like that, pure shock which animated his whole face. It was terrifying. Truly and utterly terrifying.

“Son.” Jack pushed out, turning frighteningly pale as if he were a ghost. “Robert –“

Andy hid his face, choked out a sob and then turned away and Robert shook all over.

“Don't.” Robert whispered, “You don't get to cry anymore.” He declared, tears in his eyes, swimming and swimming and –

“Robert, I _swear_ I didn't know she was in there.” Andy pleaded, looking up at his brother. “I was just – I was young and stupid and I panicked.”

“All this time.” Robert couldn't even raise his head, he felt like it wasn't even _him_  speaking. All he can think of is all those years, all those nights where he'd crawl into Andy's bed and they'd cry _together_ because their mum had died, she'd been taken from them. “I could handle it, ‘cause it – there was nothing we could do but _you_ , you knew it was your fault.” He raised his head, anger racing through him.

Andy cowered, shuddered and then Jack stepped forward. It took seconds for Robert to connect it all.

“Oh my God.” Robert held a hand over his mouth and shook his head. “You've been protecting him. All this time.” He couldn't get his words out right, wanted to scream and shout but Jack just stood there.

“Robert, you can't tell anyone.” That's all Jack said and Robert was floored.

“You're still protecting him.” Robert screamed, ran a hand through his hair and felt tears pour down his face. “How can you stand there and be there for him?” He just didn't understand, he couldn't look at him.

“Because he's my son.”

“ _I’m_ your son!” Robert came closer to his father. “Your _real_ son, not him.” He barked, tears fell down his face and Jack remained as cold as stone, unmoved. “He's _nothing_ but a farm boy who no one wanted.” That's when Jack changed, came forward like he was warning Robert.

“Enough Robert.” Jack said coldly, looked back at Andy who was cowering in the corner of the room. “He hates what happened, we both do, but we need to move past this. You need to learn to move on from this and realise it wasn't his fault.”

“He took away Vic’s mum.” Robert changes tactic, hopes that it will make Jack see sense. “Your little girl doesn't have a mum anymore.” Jack’s eyes flicker uncontrollably. “And now he gets to repent does he? He gets to go off to war and feel better about himself? _No_.”

Jack sighed hard and Robert knew he was fighting a losing battle. He knew that there was no point, his father was like a boulder which wouldn't buckle under the weapons thrown its way.

“You don't get to decide that Robert.” Jack said, looked tired and worn suddenly. “If he wants to go, let him.” He said the words but it was clear to them all that he didn't mean it so flippantly.

Robert frowned, tears fell down his face again. “What about what I want, has that _ever_ mattered to ya?”

Jack sighed. “What is it you want then Robert?”

There was only one thing he wanted. “I want you to choose. It's me or him.”

Andy let out a gasp and Jack bent his head, didn't say a word. The silence dragged out until Robert found it hard to breathe.

It was enough, _more_ than enough for Robert. He knew the truth, he'd always known the truth hasn't he? Now he can't even attempt to escape it, it's as plain as day, his father had always favoured Andy.

Robert looked outside for a second, saw the sun setting, it reminded him of Aaron and his heart hurt.

“Robert –“ Jack said, slow and firm as he inched towards his son but then suddenly Robert backed away.

“You've made your mind up.” Robert growled, pointed towards Andy in the corner. “You've chosen a – a _murderer_  over your own son!”

It was instant, Robert didn't even have time to react, just felt his father's hand slap against his cheek and then he felt it sting, prickle and ache and –

Robert hated how quickly he cried, it poured out of him and then he heard Andy cry out something but he couldn't hear, he was already running out the door, tripping over the overgrown crops and the ache in his heart which wouldn't budge. Suddenly, overwhelmingly, he didn't even want to live anymore.

Robert ran and ran until he found himself near outside the pub, he had tears falling down his face and he didn't know why but his feet seemed to drag him towards Aaron. The sun had set, the bunting still hung up on the Woolpack and Robert felt his mouth go dry as he stared up at Aaron's window. He'd never been inside his room, he thought, didn't know what to think about that.

He saw Aaron move around in his room, the shadow of his best friend seemed to haunt him and Robert felt a pang of loneliness hit him hard, almost made him double over in agony because in some weird way, Aaron was failing him. Aaron was too out of reach to make Robert feel better and he felt almost rejected by it.

Everything inside Robert told him to call Aaron's name, grab his attention, cry into his arms for as long as he wanted to but – what was the point?

_‘I killed mum.’_

That's all that mattered, not Aaron, or his warmth and his openness, not even himself. No. All that mattered was that his mum was dead, the only mum he ever knew was dead, had been dead for years and his so called brother had been responsible.

Robert felt his feet drag away, backwards, moving further and further away from the pub, from the village. He thought that going to see Aaron would help but it didn't, he still felt awful, still felt like he couldn't think of anything else other than what happened. He just needed it to _stop_.

By the time Robert came to the bridge the stars were out, the dark sky above was a silky navy colour and any other night it would have been admired by Robert's eye for beauty but not that night. He had tears falling fast down his face, gripped hold of the wooden bridge and leaned over just enough to see the stream below. It was high enough, high enough to cause him damage, high enough to let him just _drop_ , just _let go._

It was all he could think of, again and again and again and –

He came closer, feet sliding into a gap between the wood, and then another, until he was nearly toppled over the bridge, whole body leaning towards the water beneath him. All he had to do was let go, maybe it would stop the images of the fire from replaying in his mind over and over again. Maybe it would –

“Robert!” It was Aaron's voice, of course it was Aaron's voice, Robert thought as he heard it.

Aaron shuddered, it was scary how instant the tears started to fall down his face. He was right, he had seen Robert outside, he had been right to follow him, to see what was wrong. He hadn't been able to relax all night, wondering what the outcome of Robert's confrontation with Andy had resulted in. Who was going to war? Which brother? It's all that had been on his mind and then – Robert was on a bridge? Robert was leaning over –

Robert gripped the wood harder. “Stand back, go away Aaron.” He bent his head, kept leaning over. He wanted Aaron gone, just _gone_ because he couldn't see him do this.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron looks up, feels his heart hammering in his chest as Robert squints. He keeps thinking that Robert's going to lash out, suddenly remember, suddenly fight back and tell Aaron to leave like last time.

Robert starts playing with his hands, it's what he does now, when he's nervous. Then he starts shaking his head.

“Fire. No, not – no –“ it's happening and Aaron's crushed.

“Hey, it's okay. You're okay, you're safe – babe – uh – Robert, calm down.” Aaron says frantically and then he feels tears in his eyes.

His hands start to shake but he ignores it like he always does, he has to carry on.

Robert shakes his head. “Dingle, needs to help him, off the bridge.” He's like a little boy and Aaron feels his heart ache.

“He does, he helps.” Aaron promises, opens the book again. “Let me tell you about it.”

Robert nods and Aaron fights back the tremor starting in his hands again.

 

\--

 

 

“Please, come away from there.” Aaron's chin wobbled, tried to step forward but then Robert looked up at him, he looked tormented and Aaron suddenly stepped back. “Tell me what's happened, Robert, I'm your _mate_.”

Robert shut his eyes, felt sick. “Please, please stop being nice to me.” He pleaded.

“Is it – is it your dad? Did he say you have to go on the front line?” Aaron felt something shatter inside him.

Robert leaned even further over and Aaron couldn't help himself, he came running across the bridge and held Robert by the shoulders. “Robert, _no_.”

Robert shrugged, pushed Aaron away from him. “Go away!” He shouted, “Just – just go away from me please, I – I just want it to stop.”

“Stop?” Aaron's eyes flickered and then he chewed his lip. “I've been here.” He admitted, felt something twist inside him. “I've stood here.” He whispered. Robert gulped, frowned and then he looked up at Aaron in shock. “You know what stopped me from letting go?”

Robert shook his head, felt the wind pick up.

“You.”

Robert thought he'd misheard but then Aaron nodded, blinked away tears.

“I'd bumped into ya, dunno why but just thinking about saying sorry made me step away. It was daft.” Aaron bent his head. “Then the next day I came up to the farm, tried to find ya, caused havoc instead according to ya dad.”

Robert suddenly understood what he was talking about and he felt tears fall down his face. “Then you had to work for us.” It felt like ages ago.

Aaron smiled, “Yeah.” He whispered, stepped closer. “Come on, get down from there.”

Robert sighed hard, gripped tighter again. “I can't.” He shouted. “It's all his fault, it's _all_ because of him, and that means –“ Robert gasped, “That means that it's all ‘cause of me because I bought him into the house didn't I? It was me who – who bought him there.” It ached, everywhere and he found himself even further bent towards the bottom of the bridge, water gushing by.

“Who?” Aaron blurted out. “Robert, please.” He stammered out, “You can _trust_ me.”

Robert shook his head, “I can't trust anyone.” He'd trusted Andy all his life, he had been his brother, once he had been his best friend.

Aaron gently touched Robert's shoulder, “Please Robert, this isn't right.”

Robert turned towards Aaron. “Then go away, just – leave me alone.”

Aaron frowned and felt this overwhelming urge to help, suddenly took his shoes off. Robert frowned in shock, “What are ya –“

“If you want to jump, then I'm going to have to as well.” Aaron shrugged, “Believe me, I'm not keen but – you've left me no choice.”

“Stop being soft, you're being stupid.” Robert said frantically as he watched Aaron blow out a breath. He looked scared yet still determined and something crumbled in Robert’s chest, he’d to that for you, he thought and then he shuddered. “Aaron, stop.”

“ _You_ stop.” Aaron shouted. “Or I'll have to have another wash today, that water’s looking a little murky mind.” There was something light in his voice which Robert had to hold onto.

Robert loosens his grip slowly and turns to Aaron. “You'd jump too?” His heart thuds, hits him over and over again as Aaron nods shyly.

“Where you go, I go, Sugden.” Aaron saluted, tried to fight back his tears and then suddenly Robert was collapsing into his arms, holding him tight, refusing to cry.

Aaron slowly rubbed the older boy’s back, overwhelmed with all these feelings he felt for him but only allowing himself to feel relief that he was okay. Robert pulled away, felt ridiculous as Aaron stared at him, their faces close.

“Let's get you home.” Aaron whispered, trying to guide Robert but then he felt Robert freeze, unwilling to move.

“No! I can't go back there. Please Aaron.” Robert gripped hold of Aaron's shirt and ignored the way he felt this sudden and almost electric feeling surge through him. Aaron gasped, involuntarily and then gulped it down.

“Fine, come back with me.” Aaron said, without even thinking.

Robert frowned. “Aaron, people will talk. They know I don't have a sweetheart and –“

Aaron tried to ignore the way it stung as he bent his head, he felt almost dirty and then Robert was lifting his head up with his hand.

“Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.” Robert blurted out quickly.

Aaron shook his head, rubbed at Robert's elbow. “You can sneak through the back, sleep on the floor if you want. Better than going home right?”

“Right.”

 

\--

 

 

Liv's eyes widened when she saw Robert in Aaron's room, arranging blankets on the floor. She had grown to like them, he was different to Andy and Jack, more human.

“Rob.” Liv whispered as she saw how broken he seemed. “I'm glad you didn't sign up today.” She added, soft and slow and Robert felt something break inside him as she hugged his frame.

At least someone was thankful.

Robert couldn't sleep, the floor was uncomfortable and despite the blankets Aaron had laid out for him, the floorboards still dug into his back relentlessly. Aaron's bedroom managed to show off their stark differences and Robert realised just how tight money was for the Dingles. Aaron was thought to be lucky, living in the pub and not the Dingle shack, yet still there was hardly anything around the room.

There was a bed, there was a drawer and a small rug and not much else. Robert studied the empty space on the top of the drawer, wanted desperately to fill it with books that Aaron would enjoy reading. It was a silly thought.

Aaron stirred in his bed, couldn't help but feel inadequate as he watched Robert stare around his bare room.

“Rob, you want to talk?” Aaron leaned over his bed, asked the question and watched Robert debate an answer. “I won't tell anyone.”

Robert gulped hard, lifted himself up and then slowly came towards Aaron's bed, sat down and watched Aaron flush pink at the suddenness of the action. Aaron could see Robert better now he was sitting so close, he looked at his cheek and saw a patch of redness which didn't seem to be budging.

“Robert, did your dad do that?” Aaron asked, felt sick as he saw Robert start to cry. “Oh Robert, I –“

“Because I called Andy a murderer.” Aaron's eyes widened. “Because he – uh –“

Robert shivered and then Aaron suddenly grazed his hand over Robert's for comfort. “Go on.”

“Because he killed my mum.”

Robert stared at Aaron, saw how shocked he looked by the news and then he just broke down, felt himself fall into Aaron's chest and then the younger man held him close.

“Shh, please don't cry.” Aaron pleaded, “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” He couldn't say anything else as he thought about what Robert had just admitted.

Robert pulled himself away and wiped at his eyes, “The fire Aaron, he set the place on fire, he said he didn't know she was in there but – but he killed her.” He shuddered. “And dad helped cover it up.” He whispered. “He helped him, made us all think it was a mad accident when it wasn't.”

Aaron blinked away his tears, it felt awful, felt like he was feeling all of Robert's pain.

“That's why Andy wants to sign up, he wants to make himself fell better, feel like a hero and not a murderer.” Robert was shaking, felt Aaron grip his arms and hold them. “I hate him.”

“Robert –“

“It's all my fault, I bought him into our lives didn't I? I made dad love him like his own and now – now he chose him over me. He had to pick and he – he couldn't.”

It all washed out of Robert and the tears wouldn't stop, but Aaron was there, he wouldn’t let him go.

“It's _not_ your fault.” Aaron promised passionately. “You hear me? You shouldn't have been on that bloody bridge Robert ‘cause you're not to blame.”

Robert looked up, tears swimming in his eyes. Aaron was so passionate, Aaron was crying with him, Aaron cared so much.

“You – I didn't thank you.” Robert blurted out awkwardly, eyes fixed on Aaron's. “For – for helping me see sense I suppose.”

“Only returning the favour, you saved me even when you didn't know it.” Aaron whispered, overwhelmed with all these feelings again for the boy who somehow seemed to give him the time of day, even though he was a Damaged Dingle.

Robert sniffed, “You can't tell anyone Aaron.” He said gravely.

“Of course I won't.” Aaron whispered, “You stay here, for as long as you like.” He added, still looking at Robert.

Robert nodded, awkwardly realised that he was practically straddling Aaron and he cleared his throat, pulled himself off and then felt Aaron hold his arm.

“You're not on your own mate.” Aaron whispered, echoed words he longed to hear once Jackson had left him.

Robert smiled, felt the same surge of electricity hit his heart again and it rendered him unable to speak as he found his body almost automatically and without clear thought, leaning closer towards Aaron, towards his lips, towards –

Aaron hitched his breath, felt like he was going to die if he didn't close his eyes and let Robert –

Robert suddenly pulled Aaron into a hug and it crushed them both. “You're the best, best mate in the whole universe Aaron Dingle.”

Aaron felt something squirm inside him, he hated the word ‘mate’ suddenly.

Robert couldn't meet Aaron's eye as he walked back towards his space on the floor, shut his eyes as he tried to go to sleep, forget how his heart still ached in his chest. He only stirred once he heard Aaron whispering quietly, saw the door was ajar and Chas was standing teir in a purple nightie.

“Don't tell me you've been – been playing with Sugden?”

It made Robert wince at the term used.

“No.” Aaron flushed pink. “He's my best mate, he needed to stay here tonight.” He added, “ _And_ he's not like me.” He added, it almost sounded sad.

Chas sighed. “You still sad about your uncle Cain?” She asked and Robert realised that Aaron must have nodded. He felt terrible for not noticing. “He'll come round, just a – a bit much to get your head around love. If more people find out then – God you're lucky that officer didn't tell the police.”

Robert's stomach churned. Aaron was breaking laws by being who he was.

“I know.” Aaron whispered.

Chas sighed again. “I heard him crying I think, what's wrong with him?”

“None of your business. He's staying here for as long as he likes.” Aaron was so defiant and Robert fought back a smile as he continued to fake his sleepy state.

“Aaron – love I –“

“For as long as he likes mam, he needs me.” Aaron pleaded a little, briefly looking at Robert who was looking so small on the floor. Aaron needed him as much as Robert needed him.

Chas scoffed, “Like that's the only reason.”

Robert felt his heart hammer in his chest, what did that mean? What _other_ reason could –

Aaron didn't say anything and Chas shook her head.

“Careful now love, _careful_.”

The door slammed and Aaron laid back on his bed with a loud thud, making Robert shut his eyes even tighter.

It took three days until Jack barged into the pub, demanding his son back and aggressively attempting to yank Robert by the arm to pull him up and take him back to the farm. Robert was caught off guard, eyes wide and fearful as he watched his father march towards him and push Chas back.

“Get off Chas, you're lucky I'm not too mad at ya for letting him stay here without me knowing.” Jack sneered as Robert gulped hard and backed himself into the corner of Aaron's small room. “Look where he is, _look_.” Jack looked disgusted and then sighed hard. “You're coming home with me _now_.”

Robert shook his head hard. “No.” He said defiantly. “No, I'm not.”

Chas’ eyes flickered, making it apparent that she wasn't happy about him staying any longer, regardless of what Aaron said.

“You are.” Jack said easily, “You think you're actually wanted here boy? You're not.” He said seriously, advancing towards his son.

Robert shut his eyes, felt like a little boy, “I can't go back.” He let out, breaking. Every night he'd woken up and cried, he'd cried until Aaron heard and consoled him, stroking his hair and telling him it would be okay even though they didn't know it would be. They couldn't know.

Jack sighed hard and looked towards Chas, “Give us a minute.” He ordered but Chas didn't budge. “Please.” He added politely then watched her disappear out the door.

Jack sat on Aaron's bed and it creaked like it always did, something stirred inside Robert, suddenly he was protective and couldn’t stand the sight of his father where his best mate usually was. Jack looked up towards Robert and then sighed. “Well come on then, sit down.”

Robert did so, reluctantly and then Jack looked at him. “I think you should know that - Andy's signed up.” He said like it was the most easiest thing to say in the world. Robert's eyes widened and then his head ached, kept banging like mad. “He's leaving, tomorrow with the rest of the lads.”

Robert could hear the difficulty in his father’s tone, knew that it was breaking him but he couldn't pay attention to that. He couldn't. He could only focus on the fact that his brother – no, not his brother, _Andy_ was going to war tomorrow and he couldn't do anything about it at all.

Robert gulped hard. “Is that supposed to make this okay?” He shuddered. “You really think – that him going off to war is what I want?” It was maddening, how far removed his father was when it came to knowing what his own son wanted, needed.

Jack shook his head, looked defeated. “You won't need to see him. He'll be gone, doing what he wants and you can –“

Robert predicted the end of the sentence and his eyes widened. “What? Move on?” He shot up and then felt himself start to redden. “He killed my mum.” It just fell out without thought.

Jack looked angry suddenly and clenched his fists. “He didn't know that she was in the barn, he didn't know son.”

Robert frowned. “It doesn't make it okay dad, Vic lost her bloody mother and you don't even seem to care.”

Jack stood. “Watch your mouth lad.” He said and suddenly Robert remembered the fell of his father’s hand against his cheek. It had stung so badly, prickled with pain all night.

Robert breathed out slowly. “It took you three days to come here, three days, and you know what? It was a waste of your time because I'm not coming back.” He said, shaking his head. “You can't make me.”

Jack darkened at that and then suddenly he was gripping Robert's arm and then –

The door pushed open and Aaron stood there, he was wearing that cream blouse, the braces, the grey trousers that Robert liked and he looked like he was about to lose it. “Get off him.” He said, eerily calm.

Jack didn't budge, just pulled at Robert harder and attempted to shuffle him out the door.

“Get off, dad, I'm not going, _please_.” Robert couldn't breathe, just kept thinking about having to face that house again, the one tainted with all the lies, the mess, the heartbreak. He'd have to wash himself in the bath that his dad probably washed Andy in the night he did it all, the night he would have been covered in soot and the smell of smoke. He couldn't do it.

Aaron blocked the door. “He doesn't want to leave, can't ya ‘ear him? Let him go.” He said madly because this was Robert, his Robert, his best mate.

“Look, you've got a Dingle taking pity on ya, you happy now son? You happy?” Jack said, pushing Robert been more and then suddenly Aaron was moving closer and physically pushing Jack away, letting Robert fall back onto the bed.

“It's not pity, he's wanted here!” Aaron barked out before backing towards Robert, their arms touching.

Jack seemed shocked by the brute force of Aaron, the passion, the way the lad had just protected Robert with all he could give. He stared at Aaron and then at his son and something ugly stirred inside him. It only took a look from his father for Robert to know what he thought was going on between them. It ached Robert, the sheer disappointment in his eyes.

“I wash my hands of ya.” Jack said, voice laced with nothing but disgust as he left the small room and charged down the stairs.

Robert stayed.

 

\--

 

There was a village party going on, a ‘Goodbye Boys’ party in the village hall and Chas was running around trying to organise it all. She was in a tizzy and Aaron couldn't be around her, neither could Robert. They ended up by the stream, laying on the patchy grass and watching the sun set. Robert still hadn't gone home, he couldn't go back despite the ache in his chest which persisted as he thought of Vic. She was losing a brother wasn't she?

Robert looked over at Aaron and something stirred in his chest, recently he had become fascinated by his face, just his face and it was maddening. He'd always known Aaron was handsome, always known his eyes were blue but everything had seemed to heighten recently. He told himself it was because of Aaron's generosity, the fact that he was able to sleep on his floor every night without fuss.

“You're thinking too much.” Aaron mumbled, not even having to look across at Robert to know.

Robert just kept staring until Aaron looked at him, hating the way he instantaneously blushed. “I bet everyone's in the village hall now.”

Robert looked towards the sky, turning away from Aaron. He didn't want to think about it, about everyone dancing and laughing and then saying goodbye and crying. He wouldn't be able to feel that with Andy, he wouldn't be able to feel anything as he watched him go off to war.

“I get why you don't want to go.” Aaron said, shuffling a little so that he was closer to Robert. “It may be fun though?” He said and Robert felt his heart do something funny. It was like he felt it ache over and over again, but it was nice, it was comforting. Aaron smiled then and Robert mirrored it, well tried to.

“I wanna see you smile.” Aaron said, then instantly felt like an idiot as Robert stared at him in shock.

“I –“ Robert gulped hard. “Andy's going to be there.” He said, as if it was more than enough to say. “I can't see him say goodbye to everyone, smiling, being happy that he's left this dump and I'm stuck here.” It comes out horribly, nasty and mean and Aaron's eyes flutter, takes it right to heart and then he looks deflated.

“Didn't realise it was so horrible for ya here.” Aaron said, didn't know what else to say as his jaw tensed and he felt like nothing in Robert’s eyes. Maybe he genuinely was.

Robert shook his head, “I didn't mean that you –“

Aaron blinked quickly, “I think you need to be in your own.” He said, standing and wiping at his trousers. “Me mam probably wants me to help her in the hall anyway.”

Robert scowled. “No.” He blurted out but Aaron was already turning back towards the village. “Aaron, wait.” He said quickly and then laid down on the grass, defeated.

 

\--

 

Aaron was overwhelmed by the amount of celebration he was met with when he arrived in the hall, there was talk about rationing gripping hold of the country soon and it seemed like the whole village had grouped together to make the most of everything they had before it was all stripped away from them. There was music playing and dancing and tables pulled towards the edges of the room as people stood in the middle and girls shook their skirts wildly.

He was in charge of drinks, standing idly near the corner of the room and staying out of the way. He flattened his hair down and then played with the braces which were forced on him by his mother, black long ones and a white blouse, he looked dashing according to Val, he ignored it.

Aaron started clearing up the table with paper tissues and then saw Ross. He was wearing his uniform. The whole thing and he looked like the real deal. Donna was on his arm and it made Aaron raise an eyebrow in shock, he still actually thought that she was after Robert. He hated how quickly it managed to make him smile, even if Robert had managed to bruise his heart with his careless comment. No, Robert was Aaron's stupid idiot. He liked it that way.

“Alright?” Aaron looked up, expecting it to be Ross, showing off, but instead it was Andy. He was wearing the uniform too, but he didn't look as happy and smug as Ross did. He looked almost haunted, pale and eyes red raw as if he hadn't been sleeping.

Aaron nodded his head slowly. “You off then?” He said, not even sure why he was making conversation with Andy.

“Yeah.” Andy said before looking towards Katie, it looked like she was being consoled by Donna in the corner of the hall, it looked like she was crying. Andy cleared his throat. “How's Robert?”

Aaron tensed, something dark clouded his mind. “Let's not talk about that.” He said quickly, this wild need to protect Robert was overwhelming, “He doesn't want to see ya.”

Andy shook his head. “I don't know how much he's told ya but – but he's my _brother_ Aaron. I'm going off to France and I haven't even had the chance to –“

“I don't think a sorry will cut it now.” Aaron said defiantly and Andy suddenly realised how _much_ Aaron knew. He looked ashamed and then shuddered.

The music picked up and suddenly Katie appeared by Andy's side, eyes watery as she pulled at his arm. Aaron frowned, saddened by how crushed they looked, he vowed right there and then in that moment that he'd never ever fall in love, it was too painful. Jackson had nearly been a love, a few more months, a few more kisses and maybe he wouldn't have been able to carry on without him.

He was suddenly glad that it never got that far, and then he felt sick for being glad Jackson died.

 

\--

 

The party died down and Aaron watched from afar as David started shaking hands and hugging the old women as they squeezed his cheeks and called him brave. It was sad to see, there was no denying that, but the atmosphere was filled with such a sense of joy that Aaron's darkness almost felt out of place. It was a _good_ thing apparently. They were going to bloody war and fighting the enemy! They were restoring justice, showing loyalty and bravery!

It just didn't feel like that, Aaron thought as he looked over towards his mother. She was wobbling about the place, barely standing and Cain has to take her home. He told Aaron to sort the hall out and it was something at least, Cain actually acknowledging his existence.

Aaron attempted to move the tables into the middle of the room and then suddenly heard the door open. Everyone had gone, even Andy, so hearing someone enter was enough to make Aaron put his back up a little, puff out his chest.

“Who's there?” Aaron said, nervous a little as he watched someone come towards him, a shadow, and then more than a shadow. Robert.

Robert felt his heart give way a little as he looked at Aaron. He didn't think he'd ever seen him look like that, he had made an effort, or Chas has made him make one. It didn't matter though, he just looked –

Aaron's shoulders instantly relaxed as he saw Robert come towards him. “Oh.” He said, looking towards the tables and pushing them into the middle of the hall again.

Robert looked around the hall, saw the banners and the bright colours and knew instantly that it had been sold as a joyous occasion, a light farewell as opposed to a haunting goodbye.

“You gonna stand there or give us a hand?”

Robert sprung to life at the sound of Aaron and then walked quickly towards the younger boy, helping him in silence and then stopping as the tables slotted together again. He could tell Aaron was watching him, could feel his eyes on him and he didn't know what to say. He had spent most of the night laying on the grass, being alone, and he hated it.

“Cheers.” Aaron offered before ducking his head and leaning back on a chair, watching Robert stand awkwardly by the tables. He knew how noisy Robert's mind would have been, he just _knew_ and he hated having no way of stopping it. “Robert –“

“Saw Andy leave here.” Robert said, clearing his throat, head bent. “I waited until he left, couldn't see him. I couldn't see _her_ crying.” He had felt something break as he watched Andy try and explain why he needed to leave Katie. He had never been fond of them but somehow his heart went out to her. She had just been a casualty in Andy's own journey towards repentance or whatever he branded it.

Aaron cleared his throat. “For what it's worth … he's sorry. I could tell.” He said slowly and then Robert looked at him coldly.

“You spoke to him?” Robert said, shocked as he realised that Aaron felt sorry for Andy. “How could ya even –“

Robert stopped himself, turned towards the hall door and then felt Aaron coming towards him, turning him round.

“Get off.” Robert said because Aaron was holding his shirt, he was so close, so close and he hated how badly he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from doing something daft if Aaron didn't move away.

Aaron did, pulled his hands off Robert and then shook his head. “You have no idea how lucky you are do ya?” He shouted, felt like everything was closing in on him. “You _idiot_.”

Robert frowned. “Are you serious? I've just found out that my mum was killed by my so called brother Aaron.” It was heat that coursed through Robert's veins that night as he charged towards Aaron.

Aaron shook his head, “I've stood here all night, watching people cry and say goodbye to people they love and – and you don't get how lucky you are not to be leaving anyone.” He had tears in his eyes and

Robert didn't know what to say, he just kept breathing hard and fast.

“What, so I should feel sorry for Andy? For poor Katie? No. I won't.” Robert snapped and Aaron looked saddened. “Your heart’s too big Aaron.” He said, searching for the look in Aaron's eyes. “It'll always be your problem.”

Aaron tried to hide his hurt with a scowl. He'd heard his mum say something like that before, something similar which made him wonder why it was a bad thing. Then he was helping Jackson die and it all made sense. He wanted to hate Robert for pointing it out to him again.

“At least I'm not so _scared_ of letting out how I feel that I constantly act like a cold, heartless bastard!” Aaron shouted, hated his bitter tongue and how horrible he could be.

Robert frowned, he hadn't seen this side of Aaron before and it hurt more than he thought it could. “Thanks mate, exactly what I needed to hear.” He said slowly and everything innocent seemed to die in him, leaving something rotten and black which couldn't possibly be helped. “I'll be gone by tomorrow.” He added, somehow that seemed to be the only way, the only resolution. To run away before Aaron thought any worse of him. It's what raced through him before he moving towards the hall door again.

Aaron panicked suddenly, felt his heart freeze. “ _Gone_? What – Robert, no please don't –“ he hadn't meant to say so much, to make his nerves pour out of him but he couldn't help it, he just kept thinking about Robert leaving, Robert going to war or –

Robert turned round, shocked by the way Aaron had tears in his eyes. “Save it Aaron, I know dad was right, it's pity. That's why you let me stay with ya.” He felt so alone, felt everything push him down and make it hard to breathe, he was doubting his best mate now.

Aaron shook his head, “It's not.” He cried, coming towards Robert and beating at his chest. “You idiot, of course it's not.”

“Well then _why_?” Robert shouted, certain that if he carried on Aaron would abandon him and so he would have nothing left just like he deserved. Aaron just stayed silent and Robert shook his head. “I've decided, I'm signing up.” On a whim, just like that. 

It felt like something twisted inside Aaron and it was dark and foggy and suffocating and suddenly he couldn't breathe –

“No.” Aaron whispered, barely moving his lips. He paled almost instantly, felt like he was going to be sick.

Robert gulped, “Why not eh?” He said lightly. “If Andy gets to leave this dump, why can't I?” He was acting like a child, couldn't help it.

Aaron froze, shook his head. “You're a bastard.” He said, felt like his heart was being stepped on by Robert's casual words about leaving, about fighting and the possibility of –

Robert screwed his face up. “What's your problem Dingle?” He said quickly, heart hammering as he saw how distraught Aaron looked, the way he had to hold onto the table for support. Robert was pracically destroying him.

Aaron had tears in his eyes, they fell, again and again. “You have no idea.” He shuddered. “Just go Robert, just go and fight and be braver than Andy, go get yourself blown up just to prove a point!” He screamed, pushing at Robert's body and feeling the older body stroke at his arms to try and calm him down.

“Aaron – woah, Aaron please –“ Robert had this wild panic inside him as he watched Aaron find it hard to breathe right, as he felt Aaron backing him against the wall, punching at his chest lightly and crying, really crying as if he was in pain.“What are ya being like this? Why can't you just –“

“BECAUSE I CAN’T LOSE YA ROB! HOW CAN’T YA SEE HOW MUCH I NEED YA, YOU IDIOT!” Aaron screamed, felt something shatter inside him as he spoke, gripped onto Robert's shirt and stared right into his eyes, “I - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I can't stop. It's already too late.”

_‘Too late? Too late for what?’_

Robert knew what he meant, he knew, he just – he couldn't say it, he knew Aaron wouldn't either.

Their breaths were quick and filled with so much heat and fright that Robert had to gulp hard as he was pressed against the wall.

“I couldn't let ya go, I couldn't because – because I - I'm sorry but,” Aaron said gently, still gripping into Robert, still crying.

“Stop apologising.” Robert whispered, eyes on Aaron, on his eyes, on his face, on his lips.

Everything inside Robert became overwhelmed by this deep rotted feeling of longing and _lust_.

Aaron ducked his head, “The thought of ya leaving, it drives me mad Rob – ‘cause I – I couldn't do it, this, I couldn't be – not without ya, I'm – sorry but I can't help it anymore I - I'm sorry but –“

It's like it just happened, one minute Robert was holding Aaron's face and the next minute he was kissing Aaron. He was pressing his lips towards Aaron's, seeing the wide eyed surprise on Aaron's face melt into a hesitant smile and they were kissing. Aaron's lips were so soft, wet from Robert's own pressing against them over and over again. Robert raised his hands, found them caressing Aaron's face as he carried on kissing him, couldn't stop.

He was kissing a boy, he was kissing a boy, a boy, he was kissing a Dingle, a Dingle, he was kissing his best friend in the whole world, his best friend, he was kissing Aaron, _Aaron_.

It was like nothing he'd ever experienced, every inch of his body prickled with excitement and fright, made him shake physically as he pulled away and looked at Aaron nervously.

“Just wanted ya to shut up.” Robert said, panting, realising that he'd just kissed Aaron and – Aaron didn't have any feelings for him like that at all did he? He didn't. He couldn't. Robert gulped, eyes fluttering, breathing hard. “Did – did I do it right?” He said, what else could he say?

Aaron looked at Robert like he was divine, magical or something and then he looked at his lips. “Yeah.” He said, shaking. “Can I – I'm gonna do that now, kiss ya, okay? I need – okay?” He couldn't get his words out, felt his lips tingling as he saw Robert nod in shock, all slow.

He kissed Robert then, he kissed him with everything inside him and he couldn't turn back. He couldn't do it. He had fallen over the edge of that cliff he was teetering on for so long. Robert was kissing him back, they were moaning and panting and wanting and then they were pulling apart because Robert backed away.

“Rob - I'm sorry.” Aaron apologised quickly, shaking his head as he saw how confused and overwhelmed Robert seemed.

“I – I _wanted_ to.” Robert whispered, he wanted to since he was dancing naked in the rain with him and all his dreams were filled with that moment, what that moment could have been. His hands on Aaron's face, gloriously kissing him in the rain. He had wanted to kiss Aaron for too long now. _For so long_. “But it's wrong Aaron, it's so wrong.”

Aaron gulped, attempted to hold Robert's hand and then stopped himself. “Did it feel wrong? Kissing me?” He came towards Robert, “It felt – like everything for me Robert. No one can say that's wrong.”

Robert nodded his head slowly and then pressed his forehead against Aaron's, “I'm scared of you.” He whispered to Aaron. “I'm so frightened of what I feel, it won't go away, it won't stop.”

Aaron tried to smile, “I'm scared too.” He whispered, gently kissed Robert's head. “But you're my best mate, and - it's okay. As long as we stick together, it's okay.”

Robert nodded, suddenly it was difficult not to touch Aaron and he found himself stroking at the younger boy’s cheek. He was so soft, everything about Aaron was so tender and gentle.

_‘It's okay’_

“You're not mad at me are ya? I didn't – you wanted to kiss me right?” Aaron panicked suddenly as Robert stayed silent and just held him close.

Robert squeezed round Aaron's waist and pressed their foreheads together again. “I have all these feelings for ya Aaron, I don’t know what to do with ‘em because you're just – Aaron I can't tell you how much I –“ he laughed a little and it broke the tension.

“Not good at this either.” Aaron whispered and then sniffed. “Just never want to let ya go.” He mumbled into Robert's chest.

“I wish we could stay in this moment forever.” Robert whispered after a few seconds of silence, he felt as though a heaviness has dropped from his soldiers suddenly and he shuddered. “Ya know, just freeze time. I'll invent that one day, I'll freeze time and never let you go. I promise.”

Aaron looked up at Robert and then sniffed again. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Robert confirmed before he heard a murmuring of sound coming from the radio on the table, a song playing. He gripped Aaron tighter and then shook himself. He didn't want to be sad, not when Aaron didn't run from him, not when he felt all this stuff for him and it was – okay.

He pulled Aaron towards the small space left now that the tables were in the middle again.

“Dance with me.” Robert whispered, “I want to dance. With you. Here. With no one else around.” He added and Aaron frowned in disbelief.

“Why?” Aaron said, moving towards Robert and drying his eyes. Robert shrugged and then pulled Aaron close to him, pushing his head into Aaron's neck and swaying with him slowly.

“Because I want a good memory of this night forever and ever.” Robert whispered affectionately and Aaron understood, gently swayed and then looked at Robert like he wanted to kiss him.

“I want ya to.” Robert whispered, “I won't run.”

Aaron nodded, cheeks reddening and then he slowly kissed Robert, this time without so much passion yet somehow more sincerity.

Robert pulled away, squeezed Aaron's hand. “Didn't mean what I said – about being stuck in this dump, this dump has you, it's more than enough, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I said, I'm sorry.”

Aaron kissed him again, tried to stop all the emotion pouring out of his best friend. “It's alright mate.” He whispered, “It's alright.”

“Don't want to leave ya.” Robert whispered, soft, gentle. “Not ever.”

Aaron smiled. “You won't.” He said, knew that he couldn't be certain, no one could.

_‘And when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you.’_

They heard the words, couldn't ignore them and knew how much they meant but – they were kissing, they were in each other's arms and they were safe, nothing else mattered, nothing.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron has tears in his eyes as he leans back on the chair and looks at Robert. He sees his husband, sees the small smile spreading across his face as if he remembers.

“That's nice, they're happy and it's nice.” Robert says before he touches his lips. Aaron hitches a breath, wonders if Robert remembers what it's like to kiss him. Robert smiles wider, “I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you.” He sings, so soft and gently that Aaron can't help but lean over and nod his head.

“Yeah, _yeah_ Robert. Remember? Dancing, just boys, just two boys dancing.” Aaron laughs. “You made a Dingle dance.”

Robert becomes vacant again, doesn't really understand the link between himself and the boy from the story and Aaron just lets it past.

He's nearly there, he's nearly getting Robert back.

 


	3. PART III

Andy left the next day, there was no change of heart, no declaration of undying love from Katie which made him stay. He left with the others, left just like that.

Robert was on cloud nine that morning, having spent the night dancing with Aaron like they were proper couple or something. He'd left Aaron to carry on tidying up when they heard Cain coming, it was a frank bite of reality which they both tried to ignore as much as they could but it was hard. Reality was everywhere and their little bubble of happiness wasn't going to last.

Robert saw Andy standing there with his uniform on, holding out flowers for Katie and then hugging Jack. It made him feel sick, made him want to cry out of nowhere because it was really happening wasn't it? Andy was just _going_.

He waited, hid in the bushes like some mad man and watched his family disappear from view. He suddenly realised what Aaron had meant he night before about being lucky. Even the thought of having to say goodbye to Aaron left him with a feeling of dread.

Andy caught sight of Robert instantly and ducked his head, as if the uniform he was wearing bought him nothing but shame.

Robert cleared his throat, feet catching up to where Andy stood. The wind picked up despite the sun shining and Andy cautiously raised his head, Robert was taken aback by the tears which swam in his brother’s eyes.

“Look, just uh – please look after Vic.” Andy stammered, looked almost broken. “And dad.”

It made Robert wince, made him feel sick and angry and he couldn't help but look away. “Vic, I'll always be there for her.” He said.

“Well then go home.” Andy fired, “I'm not there now am I? Go home and –“

“You think it's that easy? After what you did, I can't even think about going back there now. You ruined everything.” Robert spat, angry, hurt, betrayed by his brother who would never understand how badly he destroyed everything he knew.

“That's why I'm going!” Andy shouted, pulled a hand over his face, “It's what I deserve.”

Robert gulped, haunted by the words and then he shook his head. “What, everyone thinking you're some sort of hero?” The thought made his heart ache, knowing that his dad would be ever so proud of Andy despite everything.

Andy went to speak and then suddenly he saw Ross and the others heading towards the green truck. “I – I need to go.”

Robert hated this, knew that a few months ago he would have begged him to stay, or gone with him but now – the thought of leaving made him feel panicked and scared, it was _Aaron_ who changed it all.

“Right.” Robert said, head forced down as Andy turned. “Andy.” He called out, watched Andy look straight at him. “I'll *never forgive ya this.” He shuddered. “But – but don't, don't let the Nazi bastards blow ya up.”

Andy almost smiled and then he pushed a hand away over his face, wiped his tears and –

He was gone.

 

 

\--

 

 

Robert thought he wanted to be alone, he found himself hidden away in the fields, among the crops, laying there with nothing to think about apart from war and Aaron.

Aaron.

Last night had been an absolute blur of emotion, he felt almost everything inside him burst as he thought about the way Aaron's lips tasted against his. It made him touch his lips, feel them tingle completely and then he felt his heart pounding out of his chest.

He hadn't had the chance to really get his head around it all, things had been mad and wild and fast and his head was still spinning from it all because he knew deep down that it was what he wanted, what he craved since he saw Aaron saunter through the village, but he also knew it was wrong. He had no idea how Aaron was able to be okay with it, especially considering his family, considering _Cain_. But he had, and he was happy (ish) and –

There was a sound of feet against crop and Robert's heart jumped a little as he turned around. Of course he settled though, when he was met with Aaron's face, Aaron's soft smile.

“I get if – if ya want to be alone.” Aaron chewed his lip, felt his own heart thumping like mad because he wanted to hold Robert so tight but was scared, so scared that it would be too much, too soon. Last night had been magic, he knew thought he'd ever get to have that but – but he had got lucky, so lucky because Robert hadn't run last night, he'd stayed, he'd kissed him back.

Robert suddenly held a hand out for Aaron to hold, felt something tingle as Aaron was dragged down by him towards the crops. Robert wondered if it would be awkward just a little, considering what they had done, what Aaron hadn't been guilty over but then Aaron looked at him, through squinted vision and Robert found himself blushing despite the torment in his mind.

“I'm here.” Aaron said, practically whispered and then he was leaning towards Robert and kissing his cheek tenderly. Robert hitched a breath, Aaron's tender touched travelled through him and then he was watching Aaron's eyes widen as if he was nervous.

“Last night, it wasn't a mistake was it?” Aaron blurted out, “Because I don't want it to ruin anything.”

Robert frowned, found a hand of Aaron's to hold and realised how badly he never wanted to let it go again. “It won't, because it wasn't one. It wasn't a mistake Aaron, I'm sure.”

Aaron sniffed, “Yeah?” He had been scared all morning, snapping at Liv, being unkind and nervous.

“I'm not frightened about this.” Robert said, wind blowing around him as Aaron looked right into his eyes. “I – I just need to hold onto you, for as long as I can.” He added, sniffling a little and then he breathed out slowly. “Because – because Andy's gone now too and –“

Aaron leaned over again and kissed him, this time in the lips, catching Robert by surprise. As Aaron pulled away he rested a hand on Robert's chest, shuddered a little at how close they were.

“And you have me left.” Aaron gulped hard. “Best mates.” He whispered, a hand stroking at Robert's jaw and nothing but admiration flowing through him, it was mad, he wasn't like this with Jackson, so open, so sincere about his feelings. “You're beautiful.” He said, just because he felt able to.

Robert couldn’t understand, never thought a boy could be like this. It made him go red suddenly and then he bit his lip. “So – so are you.” He admitted, “I've always thought that.” He added and then frowned. “Just … always thought it was wrong to think like that you know?”

Aaron nodded, looked around the field almost consciously. “I know.” He said, sighed. “People don't - don't understand this, us, but they will, one day.” He added and then looked serious. “No one can know about this.”

Robert frowned, soaked in how close Aaron still was to him. He knew no one could know he liked holding Aaron's hand, liked kissing him even more, they would be in trouble, regardless of the war, they could be out in prison for their feelings.

“It would be bad Robert.” Aaron said gravely and then Robert nodded.

“ _What_ are we?” Robert's eyes flickered and then he squinted as the sun fell in his eyes. “I mean – I –“

“We're still best mates, I just – we just like to kiss.” Aaron whispered, trying his hardest to keep it as simple as possible.

Robert felt a smile stretch over his face, “I like the sound of that.” He said before looking at Aaron's lips. “Go on then, kiss me.”

Aaron did.

 

\--

 

 

They stayed in the field for the whole day, holding hands, stroking their legs against each other, kissing.

“I know you're missing him already, despite everything.” Aaron whispered, the sun setting over them.

Robert didn't know why it was so easy to admit it all to Aaron but it was, “He’ll be out there now, probably has a gun, probably – do you think he'll be in the trenches like the war before?”

Aaron pressed his head into Robert's neck and kissed him tenderly. “Pollard said they might not, they've got aeroplanes and all that now.”

Robert tensed, his fist balling. “I shouldn't even care. I should want him dead.”

Aaron stroked over Robert's collarbone and the older boy was in awe of how soft the Dingle was with him. No one saw this side of him, maybe not even Jackson saw all of this. It made him feel special, so special.

“But you don't, because you're _good_.” Aaron whispered, “And he's your brother.” He added, “Despite what happened.”

“I need to go back for Vic.” Robert realised, “She's lost Andy already.” He looked towards Aaron. “Will you come in with me? Just – just so that I don't, you'll help keep the memories at bay. You know, about – about the fire.”

Aaron squeezed Robert's hand and then nodded. “Okay.”

It didn't go okay though, Jack was drunk when they arrived and Aaron had to fight the need to hold Robert's hand as they saw the look of disgust on Jack’s face as he pulled open the door and saw Aaron by his son’s side.

“Graced us with – your _presence_ then ‘ave ya?” Jack staggered a little, wiped his mouth and then moved out of the way so that Robert could slowly walk inside.

“I'm here for Vic.” Robert said defiantly as he saw the piles of plates and dirty cutlery littering the counter. Instantly he had to fight the image of his mother wriggling her hips by the sink, humming along to a sweet tune. Andy ruined that. “Someone has to be.” He mumbled, ripping his thoughts away from the memories and back on the state of his home, of his father, “Look at ya.”

Aaron held his breath, scared that Jack would lash out unpredictably and he'd have to step in.

“Just lost my _son_ to a bloody war lad.” Jack shouted, it sent a wave of panic through Robert and then his eyes fell on Victoria who was standing by the doorway, a hand wrapped round a small red bow and her cheeks red and puffy.

Aaron instantly fell to his knees and called her over to him. “Ya want me to tie that in your hair for ya?” He asked, watched as she nodded and pulled at his hand.

“Get off her.” Jack snapped. “Get that _scum_ out of my house and off my farm.”

Robert's insides froze. He was talking about Aaron, his Aaron. No.

Robert suddenly turned, picked Victoria up and opened the door. “We're leaving.” He shuddered, “Aaron come on.” He had no idea where they'd be going but it would be better than staying, better than having Victoria hear his homophobia.

Jack slammed a hand on the table, shattering the plates and making Victoria cry as Robert patted her curls and kissed her head.

“Dad’s just upset, just upset.” Robert whispered, walking towards the exit of the farm and then turning as he saw the grip his dad had on Aaron's arm suddenly.

He felt horrified, shaky hands let Victoria down gently and then he saw Aaron start to cry, start to struggle in Jack’s grip but desperately not scream out in protest because Victoria would only be more upset if she saw her friend in pain.

Robert hated how badly he just watched, couldn't bring himself to fight for Aaron like he should. He was a _coward_ and Aaron had to be brave, stand there as he smelt alcohol on Jack’s breath and listened to what he had to say.

“If he takes my little girl, I'll - I'll call them on ya, the coppers, I'll tell them how _dirty_ you are, how you messed up my whole kitchen ‘cause I knew all about your _dirty_ little life.” Jack sneered, horrible, nasty words hitting him over and over again and then Aaron winced, found the strength to pull himself away and then he was falling back into Robert.

“You wouldn't do that.” Robert said, moving towards his father, everything inside him wanted to turn around and wrap his arms around Aaron but he fought against it. He couldn't have his father blackmail Aaron like this, over something he was so heavily apart of, he couldn't.

“You know I would.” Jack said, stumbling towards his daughter and scoping her up with difficulty.

Robert winced, “No dad - don't take –“

Jack slammed the door behind him and suddenly Aaron had his hands on Robert's face.

“Look at me, you can do this, you can _do_ this.” Aaron whispered, pulling them away from the house so that he could hold Robert by the waist and nuzzle at his neck. “You have to go back or – or we can't see each other.” His voice broke at the end and Robert realised what would happen if he refused, Aaron would be one of those lads in prison for the rest of his life. He couldn't let that happen.

“Okay.” Robert breathed out and then pushed his forehead towards Aaron's. “Okay.” He repeated and then tightened a hand around Aaron. “Tomorrow, by the bridge yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

\--

 

 

Aaron suddenly stops speaking, a roaring pain pushing through him and making the book drop towards the ground.

Robert's eyes widen, blue and green colours flashing towards Aaron as he tries to stop the ache in his chest. They said it would get worse, just not _now_ , Aaron thinks as he sees confusion paint Robert's expression.

Ellie's there, hand on his back, circles being drawn. “Should I ring Jacob?” She asks gently, “I'm sure he'd like to –“

Then Robert does something, pulls a hand over Aaron's knee and just – he _touches_ him so tenderly that Aaron's eyes go blind with tenderness.

“Excuse me darling, can you get this man some water for us.” Robert says, steady and controlled and like he genuinely wants Aaron to be okay.

Ellie obliges, albeit reluctantly because she doesn't want to leave them alone. Aaron tries to smile, settle himself as Robert blinks at him with what looks like burning curiosity.

“You okay?” Aaron says, breath hitching as he realises that Robert still has a hand firmly on his knee.

Robert seemingly snaps out of it and pulls his hand away. “Just – familiar.” He whispers, frowns a little as he finds himself gazing into Aaron's blue eyes.

Everything stops hurting, Aaron settles completely and then he's smiling. “Do I?” He whispers, tries not to cry.

Robert nods slowly, “Think so.” He says, feels embarrassed. “Sometimes I forget.” He whispers towards Aaron.

Aaron smiles sadly, feels Ellie gripping his shoulder and passing him a glass of water. “Here you are.” She says, leans down and then picks up the book.

Her hands trace over the page, there's a flower pressed down on the page and Robert notices.

“Ah, I remember picking flowers when I was young.” Robert shuffles on the chair. “Always for someone special.”

Aaron's insides churn and something bursts as he smiles right at Robert, Ellie even smiles, knows how beautiful the words are and how much they mean to Aaron.

“Shall we carry on reading?” Aaron asks, sipping the water and watching Ellie's concerned face. “I'll be alright, just had a little turn that's all.” He lies until she leaves and he looks at Robert. “Now where were we?”

Robert's eyes flutter. “The boy had to go home, his brother – left.” He looks sad at that and Aaron has to look away. “But he had the Dingle boy with him, he didn't go.”

“No, he didn't, he stayed, he stayed until they couldn't stay together anymore.” Aaron says, tears swell in his eyes just at the memory, “But it was great, for a while, it was wonderful.”

 

\--

 

 

They liked to kiss, they did that a lot. Robert became more and more comfortable in Aaron's company and soon he was the one kissing Aaron, initiating their private little meetings.

Once he did something mad, decided it would be a good idea to steal flowers from Mrs Birch’s garden and hand them to Aaron like a proper gentlemen.

Aaron laughed as Robert passed them over, threw his head back and then smiled. “Flowers?” He said, admiring the bunch.

Robert's cheeks reddened and then he shrugged. “Sure Edna won't miss them.” He said, watching Aaron smirk at him. “Not too much anyway.” He dipped down onto grass and slowly kissed Aaron's hand. “It's to say thanks, for always being there for Vic.”

He'd gone round the night before, with Liv, and they'd eaten together, made the most of Jack being down in London and selling off some of his equipment for the war.

It had been perfect and Liv had been happy to point out all the looks which were passed between her brother and Robert across the table. He didn't admit to them, didn't shut her up either though.

“What did I do?” Aaron said shrugging his shoulders, confused.

“Made everything seem normal for her.” Robert said, kissed Aaron's lips and then smiled as they both pulled away. “And helped her up on the horse.”

They both laughed at that, a good memory stored away. Robert pulled out s few sandwiches he had made, they were wrapped up in a newspaper and the front cover made Aaron's heart race.

**‘Germans advancing on French Soil.’**

Most of the papers spoke of victory and were meant to make people feel good about what was happening, but this paper, it was matter of fact, harsh and almost brutal and Aaron closed his eyes as he saw it.

Robert peered down, soaked up the information and then gulped hard. “They won't stand a chance.” He mumbled, before crumpling the paper and looking at Aaron. “Not a chance.” He added before kissing Aaron hard on the lips.

“When you gonna grow a beard Dingle?” Robert asked later the same day, stroking over Aaron's chin, he had stubble yeah but it never seemed to want to grow out. “I'd pay good money to see you with a beard.”

Aaron frowned, “Yeah?” He asked, started stroking his face and then pulled a face. “You think it will look good?”

“Course, you'll look all grown up if you do.” Robert hugged at Aaron's waist. “Promise you'll grow one for me one day?”

“You just want to know how it feels to kiss me with one.” Aaron laughed and then smiled. “Promise.” He whispered. “I'll dedicate it to you if I ever manage one.”

 

\--

 

 

“How's your dad?” Aaron asked once, hand dancing on Robert's stomach as they laid next to each other in their barn. It had taken more than a few attempts for Robert to feel able to go into the space again, after what he knew but then Aaron was there with him and everything was okay.

Robert shrugged his shoulders. “Hardly see him.” He said, almost angry. “He's out all day, doing the work on his own. He keeps saying he's sorry for everything.” He looked across at Aaron. “Except you.” He said, almost apologetic.

Aaron gulped hard. “Lucky I don't give a toss.” He said, smiled at Robert like he was a star or something and then he slowly kissed him, found himself falling in more ways than one as Robert pulled him down on the hay.

They always found it hard to stop kissing.

 

\--

 

 

“I hope we're winning.” Aaron whispered, tucked under Robert's arm.

“Winning what?” Robert asked, confused as he looked down at Aaron who was tucked under his arm, his blue blouse lose around his hips from the way Robert had tugged and pulled at it.

“The _war_?” Aaron said, pushing his head up and then Robert could see the tears in his eyes.

Robert gulped, instantly he thought of Andy. “Let's not think about that.” That was his way of coping. Pretend it isn't happening at all. And it wasn't in this little bubble Robert had, the one he shared with Aaron.

“They took Sammy today. He left, Cain's going soon too.” Aaron said, tightening his grip around Robert's hand as if he was scared of letting go.

Robert stroked away Aaron's tears and then kissed his forehead. “I'm not.” He whispered gently. “I promise.”

Aaron nodded, “You're all I got.” He said, almost childlike because it was true, he loved Liv, loved her so much but she didn't understand and he didn't blame her for it. Robert did though, Robert understood.

Robert kissed at Aaron's forehead again and felt something burst inside him, didn't want to name it though.

 

\--

 

 

“Dad thinks I'm with Donna.”

Robert felt guilty as he spoke about it but he had felt even guiltier for hiding it from Aaron for as long as he had done.

Aaron instantly pulled away from Robert's welcoming hug, it hurt to think that Jack would happily allow Robert to spend his hours with Donna, a girl who was supposedly engaged to Ross Barton, but not him.

Not his best mate, or _whatever_ he was.

“Okay.” Aaron whispered, didn't want to turn it into anything big and spoil their time together.

“Just because – well I mean, he can't know that –“

“You like kissing your best friend in barns.” Aaron said, his farmers cap from Zak titled towards Robert and then being pulled of by the older boy who tried to hide his blush.

“Don't hear you ever complain about that Dingle?” Robert said then, smiling as he kissed Aaron, didn't want to stop feeling the way he did. Not ever.

It was almost blissful.

 _Almost_ and then the war reminded them that bliss wasn't such a thing to be found in the country anymore.

It started because of some bullies, some horrible little lads who decided it would be a novel idea to throw feathers all over the pub.

White feathers.

Aaron felt sick at the sight of them, knew they were there because of him. White feathers were the sign of a coward, a bloke who didn't sign up, who didn't want to fight for his country.

He couldn't join even if he wanted to, his name had been blacklisted on the files.

'Inadequate' apparently.

He was thankful it didn't say anything else, had to count his lucky stars according to his mother.

“Look at the mess.” Chas shrilled, hand in her hair. “Can't open like this.”

Aaron gulped, felt awful about it. “I'm sorry.” He whispered, dropping down to his knees so that he could begin picking up the feathers.

It took longer than he thought and by the time he had finished it was tea time.

“I'm off out.” Aaron said, pushing his coat on and trying to escape before Chas had anything to say about it. She caught his hand though, saw something in his eyes and frowned.

“Are you seeing Robert?” Chas asked, slow, judgemental.

Aaron gulped. “So what if I am?”

Chas cleared her throat, “I had Jack Sugden in here the other day, running his mouth off about ya mixing with his boy.”

Aaron's heart thumped, “So what?” He argued, hated how emotional he was getting. “I want to see him.” He said, letting too much of himself go.

Chas’ eyes flickered and she looked troubled, “That's the problem.” She said, pointing at him and shaking her head. “Love, I see the way you look at him, he's not - you'll get hurt.”

“Well stop seeing it. Don't – just leave us alone.” Aaron shouted suddenly.

Chas grabbed at his arm as he tried to leave, “Open your eyes love, there's a whole war going on, you can't keep pretending it isn't by being with him.”

Aaron despised her words, pulling away and racing out the door and straight into Robert who was waiting for him outside.

He looked beautiful, always did, but as he stood on the steps waiting for Aaron it felt as though he had applied something to his skin to make him glow.

“Alright?” Robert asked, knew instantly that Aaron wasn't okay at all.

“Fine.” Aaron said, blunt, cold even as he walked past Robert and away from the village. Suddenly thoughts cluttered his mind, wouldn't stop because he was convincing himself that his mother was right. Maybe Robert wasn't really like him, maybe he was just confused, maybe he was –

The next thing Aaron knew he was on the bridge, watching Robert catch up to him. “I want to be on my own.” He lied, feared that – no _knew_ that it was too late to attempt to put a wall up between himself and Robert.

Robert frowned, leaned towards Aaron and then saw a little white feather on his coat. His heart sank. “Aaron, is that –“

Aaron turned away from Robert completely, embarrassed that the older boy knew what everyone thought of him.

“Who did it? I'll kill them Aaron, I swear I'll –“

“Stop being stupid.” Aaron said, turned back and had tears in his eyes. “Just leave me alone Robert.” He said, didn't even mean it and then Robert was turning him slowly, he was pressing a hand on his chest and slowing everything down. He was lifting his hand, gently picking a feather out of Aaron's hair and then raising Aaron's chin with his hand, watching the younger boy try and hold back his tears as his chin wobbled.

"Come here." Robert whispered, and so slowly Aaron was falling into Robert's chest and sobbing his heart out. He was pouring it all out, he was grieving for the old him, he was crying over the embarrassment and the shame and the way everything seemed to crumble around him. And Robert was there, he was his fucking anchor and he hated it. He didn't want to need him this badly.

"I've got you." Robert promised, "OK? I'm not letting go."

 _You will._ Aaron's mind screamed. _You won't even have a choice._

Aaron suddenly found the power to pull away, tell Robert to leave him alone.

Robert couldn't, so instead he pulled Aaron into his arms again, didn't expect the punches to his chest as Aaron struggled against him.

“Aaron, wait -“

_“Open your eyes love, there's a whole war going on, you can't keep pretending it isn't by being with him.”_

“Ya think ya care but you don't, you're just confused. Mum was right, you don't know what you want.” It poured out of him, every niggling insecurity was there and he couldn’t fight against it for a second longer.

“Where's this coming from?” Robert said, felt himself become worried.

Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away. “I know – I just know, it's too good to be true.” It all was, the way Robert would touch him, the way he’d make him feel all the bloody time. It would end and so would he.

Robert frowned, “What is? Aaron –“

“Me, being happy.” Aaron shouted, felt hollow straight after. “This war, we can't just pretend it isn't happening, it's - it's going to ruin us Robert.”

Robert hated how definite it sounded.

“So – so we might as well stop this now.” Aaron said, didn't mean a word but didn't take it back either.

Robert looked floored, tears swimming in his eyes. “You don't mean that.” He shook his head hard, he was in too deep, he knew that now.

Aaron gulped hard and flung his arm out wide. “Wake up Robert, we’re hated. I’m hated because people round here know what I am but are too scared to shop me because of our Cain. If they found out about us they’d …” Prison. It’s the only word he can think of. “So just do one.”

Robert could see the fright in Aaron’s eyes and attempted to come forward, forget everything that Aaron had just said but then Aaron moved away and Robert felt his heart shatter. “You know what – I – _fine_.” He blurted out, wanted to save face and instead charge away from Aaron without giving him a second look.

Robert felt like crying, small tears prickled his eyes because he'd never fought with Aaron like that before and it hurt. He managed to make his way back to the village, thought about reading Victoria a story and staying out of his dad’s way, but then he saw Katie and he instantly felt rotten. She looked pale, tired, almost haunted as she stood staring at the village hall probably reliving a thousand memories of the last night she shared with Andy before he left.

Robert gulped hard, the moon was up by now and he felt this need to leave her alone but stay at the same time, check if she was really okay. He cleared his throat, watched her turn around and then –

“Oh.” Katie whispered, eyes vacant. “It's you.” She added, folding her arms across her and walking towards a small bench near the swings.

Robert followed her, sat slowly. “Have you hear anything from him?” He didn't even know why he was even asking, it's not like he cared. That was a lie though, he did care. He had spent nights laying awake thinking about him, where he was, what he was doing.

Katie smiled softly, “One letter.” She said, and Robert knew instantly that she treasured it. “One letter.” She repeated, as if she was angered by it.

Robert ducked his head. “He'll be home soon.” He lied, had no idea what would happen. No one really knew anymore, not even Pollard and all his mad theories.

Katie sniffed, wiping her eyes with a tissue and then shrugging her shoulders lightly. “You don't know that.” She shuddered. “They took Sam you know? Because they needed more men.”

Robert hadn't looked at it like that before, hadn't seen what that meant. He froze, thought about them coming for more men, coming for –

“It's because all the first lot, they can't stand a chance, they're all dying aren't they?” Katie sounded panicked, almost at a loss and suddenly Robert moved closer towards her, held her as she cried and felt all that bitterness he had once felt for her fade away. He was childish before, to think she was taking Andy away from him, turning him into something he wasn't.

Katie lifted her head up, smiled at Robert and then suddenly she was kissing him.

Robert panicked, heart froze as he felt her lips on his. He didn't like it, didn't want it and then he was pushing her away and she was looking horrified.

“I'm so – I was –“ Katie wiped at her mouth, watched Robert stay still and quiet for a few seconds and then she started to cry again. “I just miss him, I'm sorry.”

Robert stood, could hardly meet her eye. “Yeah I know.” He said awkwardly before turning away from her. “Look after yourself.” He said before shaking his head and walking quickly, away from her, away from how it felt to kiss a girl after he had kissed Aaron for so long.

Robert carried on walking, head down, moon still glowing and then suddenly felt himself fall into someone. It was Aaron. He was standing there, eyes wide and filled with tears. He had seen hadn't he?

“Aaron.” Robert said, shocked and instantly guilty despite pushing her away eventually.

Aaron gulped hard and felt himself want to just give up but he couldn't because he was already in too deep, he was already madly and tragically in –

“I saw ya, I was on my way to apologise and I saw ya.” Aaron barked then tried to calm himself down as Robert reached out a hand.

“She's missing Andy, she's confused.” Robert tried, didn't even know why he was defending her in all honesty.

Aaron scoffed. “Not the only one mate.” He said, wiped at his eyes. “You still want girls don't ya?” He said, “But you want to kiss _me_ all the time. Me, a _boy_.” He said, knew he had to be quiet.

Robert gulped hard, “Aaron, just let me get my head around this. It's _hard_.” He said, didn't want to cry. “Don't – I don't want to lose you, you're my best mate Aaron.”

Aaron felt tears swell in his eyes, “That's all I ever will be.” He whispered, gutted by how it sounded.

Robert squinted, “What do ya want from me Aaron?” He argued as he saw Aaron begin to walk towards the pub. “I'm sorry I can't be Jackson for ya!”

Aaron turned, gasped at the words spoke by Robert, by his beautiful Robert. He couldn't believe it, and then he could, that hurt even more.

“Just stay away from me.” Aaron barked, “I don't ever want to see ya again!” He lied, kept lying as Robert stood there, fighting back an apology or _something_ to say.

Aaron slammed the door of his room shut, resisted the urge to check if Robert was still stood outside waiting, watching.

He cried, cried like a little boy until he couldn't anymore, until he had nothing left to cry over and his eyes shut.

It was the sound which woke him up. It ripped through his dreams about Robert and thumped hard on his head. It was a siren of some sort, booming and shrill and enough to make him panic like mad.

Suddenly his mum was at the door, purple dressing gown tight to her body as she practically ran towards her son and hit at his leg.

“Up! Up love, it's an air raid!” Chas shouted, trying to be soft and failing.

Aaron wiped his eyes and frowned. “Air raid? Mum we're not in London, they –“ he didn't have time to finish because Chas was already dragging him out of bed.

“They're hitting the country side, where all the planes are kept. Those Nazi bastards!” Chas pulled Aaron to his feet and then disappeared down the stairs again, ringing the pub bell with gusto as she tried to calm Liv's worries. Aaron quickly walked towards his window and watched with fright as the villagers all began running towards the pub.

“Mum? There's –“ Aaron tried, running down the stairs and wincing at the sounds around him. It made his heart race, thud like absolute mad. Liv suddenly crashed her weight into him, shaking because she had no idea this would happen.

“It's fine, we'll be fine Liv.” Aaron offered, a hand running through her hair.

Their mother was there, unsteady hands attempting to unlock the cellar and then doing so. It made sense, the pub was where everyone would go to.

“Door love, open the door.” Chas said, passing Aaron the keys and then watching her son let people pile in. Everyone looked frightened, confused and disorientated by the events, Aaron's eyes fell on the little children in their pyjamas and he felt a sudden swell of hate for war.

Then he saw him, he saw Jack holding Victoria and suddenly everything inside him froze.

“Where's Robert?” Aaron asked, it was all he could ask as more and more people piled in and none of them were him.

Jack frowned, face growing paler. “Thought he was here already. I haven't seen him.” He said, tightening a grip on Victoria and then darting his eyes around, helpless.

Aaron's breath hitched, thoughts of Robert out in the open somewhere plagued his mind and he couldn't handle it for a second longer. It was almost on instinct, a mad, stupid instinct which made him run out of the pub, away from his pub, away from safety and run out into the dark, all alone.

The sound was worse out there, it made Aaron have to cover his eyes as he ran and ran and kept running, calling out for Robert. He didn't know where to go, panic stirred inside him and then he was looking up, watching the planes whizz past him with a deadly speed, they could drop at any second. He could die at any second but he didn't think like that, couldn't, instead he kept his head done and managed to make it into the village hall.

“Robert?” Aaron called out, tears spilling down his face because he was petrified and Robert had to be here or else –

“Aaron?” He heard a voice, his voice, but he couldn't see him. It was completely dark, no way Aaron could reach our for him.

“Please be okay.” Aaron whispered, cried as he had his back firmly against the wall of the hall, near the entrance. He supposed Robert was hiding somewhere near the back, somewhere far from reach.

“Get out Aaron, not safe.” Robert shouted, felt like he couldn't breath knowing Aaron was so obviously in harms way.

The sounds of the planes above them began to roar and then suddenly everything fell apart between them, there was a sound of something being dropped and then Aaron could hear Robert screaming, yelling at the impact of whatever had fell between them. It destroyed the hall, a huge hole in the roof visible.

“ROBERT!” Aaron shouted as dust tickled his throat and made it hard to breathe. He couldn't move, stunned at how close it had been to Robert. He could be dead, he thought as he heard the sirens stop and watched with a terrible fright as the planes overhead began to disappear from the village.

It took seconds after for Aaron to find the courage to move, to get closer to Robert.

“Robert I'm coming, it's gonna be fine, I'm coming.” Aaron choked out, a hand over his mouth to stop it becoming even harder to breath as he maneuvered his way across the wrecked ruins of the hall and towards Robert.

He gasped as he caught sight of his blonde hair, his face crumbled and bruised. His eyes were closed and Aaron couldn't see his chest rising and falling.

Aaron fell to his knees, moving the bricks out the way as he tried to cradle Robert in his arms. “Rob, Rob, this isn't funny now. Open your eyes.” He said gently, shaking at Robert's frame. “Please, I didn't mean - didn't mean I never wanted to see ya again. I - I'm sorry.”

Robert stayed still, wouldn't move and then Aaron kissed him on the lips hard. “Come on, I'm kissing ya.” His eyes fluttered as he watched Robert. He suddenly opened Robert's mouth, thought blowing in his breath was worth a chance at least, so he kept doing it, crying over him like some tragic lover.

Then he kissed him again, only this time he felt something back and then he realised Robert's eyes were opening, he was kissing him back and then holding onto Aaron's arms tightly.

“Not safe, Aaron, out.” Robert said, wheezing and coughing as he tried to sit up. Aaron was over him, all around him and he was this beautiful white light who needed to be safe. Aaron stroked Robert's back, pushed their forwards together and shook his head.

“Not going anywhere, you in pain?” He asked, studied Robert's expression and then saw that he'd been lucky. He only had a few scars and bruises on his face.

Robert shuddered as he looked at Aaron, wide eyed. “Are you?” He asked, panicked, a hand coming up to stroke Aaron's face.

Aaron kissed Robert's hand. “M’fine.” He said gently before stroking a hand through the older boy’s hair. “Now I know you're okay.”

Robert tried to smile but was still so frightened, so scared. “Why – why did you come?” He asked, confused.

Aaron tutted. “Came looking for ya, where you go, I go remember?” He whispered, thought back to what they used to say to each other.

Robert had tears in his eyes at that. “Sorry for – what I said, I - can't lose you Aaron, don't hate me for it.” He got out before coughing his lungs out.

Aaron sniffed, slow hands holding Robert's face, “Sorry too, I – I'd never hate ya, I – I lo –“

There was commotion at the entrance and Aaron had to stop his stupid thoughts, backed away from Robert because he knew how close they had looked and then saw Bob approaching them.

“Lads?” Bob asked, worried. “You both okay? Yeah?”

Robert nodded weakly, knew it would be a struggle to get up but he wasn't in any pain. Aaron had kissed it away.

Chas was suddenly making all sorts of noises and Aaron felt terrible guilty. He just left, ran out and – she probably thought he was dead or something.

Someone was holding her back but she pushed through them and started waving her arms about.

“My boy, Aaron!” Chas shrieked as Aaron stood and hugged her. She wasn't letting go anytime soon.

“Sorry, I'm sorry.” Aaron whispered, “I just – Robert was –“

Chas pulled away suddenly. “You went to find Robert?” She asked, frowned. “Not even his own dad would be that flipping reckless and he's his son.”

“Says a lot about Jack Sugden then doesn't it.” Aaron hated him, couldn't understand how Jack could sit comfortably and hear the noise outside, noise that was filled it's danger, danger that his own son could be in. Was he made of stone? Aaron thought bitterly.

Robert ducked his head, almost embarrassed on behalf of his father. He got it a little, his dad and war didn't get on, he was probably having flashbacks but – it wasn't an excuse. Far from it. He just didn't care.

He appeared though, face pale and hat off as he saw Robert being held up by Aaron, face dusty and tainted with scars.

“You - you'll live yes?” Jack said, cold, so cold that Robert just had to nod his head as a response. He wanted his mother so desperately then, he wanted what Aaron had with Chas, a motherly hug, someone to hold him and not let him go.

Aaron shook his head hard, resisted the urge to hold Robert's hand and comfort him.

Jack looked over at Aaron and then at Chas. “Thought I told you to keep your lad away from mine?”

“He saved my life dad.” Robert growled, he left out ‘with a kiss’ because, well for obvious reasons but the sentiment stayed the same. If Aaron hadn't risked his life to come find him, helped bring him round then – he could have died, he wasn't breathing and Aaron breathed life back into him. “Do you hate him for that n’all?”

Jack didn't say anything, just turned away and called for Robert to come with him.

Robert looked at Aaron, just a look, just a small little smile and it was enough to confirm everything Aaron was scared of feeling, he couldn't say the word though. He promised himself he never would because who do, say the word, end up like Katie.

“Thanks.” Robert whispered, aware that Aaron's mother was only inches away from them.

Chas cleared her throat, almost as though she'd seen enough and then walked away with Bob leaving them stood in the still semi unsafe building.

Aaron wrapped his arms around Robert tightly, knew he needed a hug and nothing else.

“My hero.” Robert tried to sound light but his hands were still shaking from the impact and Aaron held them.

“You're gonna be fine, okay?” Aaron whispered. “Meet me in the barn tomorrow yeah, two o'clock.” He added, just to give Robert something to focus on.

Robert nodded, nearly leaned forward to kiss Aaron and then had to pull himself away. It was becoming the hardest thing to do in the world.

 

\--

 

 

It was all over the village the next day. Aaron Dingle was some sort of hero and Liv was almost in awe of him. He didn't know how to feel about it but then Cain nodded in his direction and he felt able to hold his head up a little higher despite how wrong they all thought his feelings for Robert were.

It didn't take long for it all to come crashing down however. Quickly.

See, Jackson's dad, Jerry, caught wind of this hero act and it didn't take long for him to be sat opposite Jack in his kitchen, swapping all sorts of stories about how damaged Aaron was, about what he did to Jackson.

Robert found them sitting together, a rosy glow about his face because he'd spent an hour kissing Aaron and then helping Liv with a picture, it had been so quiet, so gentle and now this.

“What is _he_ doin’ here?” Robert asked, staring hard at Jerry and then his father. “Dad?”

Jack cleared his throat. “You see that Dingle again, I'll bring the coppers round here so quick –“

Robert's chest tightened. “And say what?” He said, eyes darting.

Jack slammed his hand down on the table and then jumped up, pushing Robert against the wall with a loud thud. “You know exactly what.” He looked disgusted, it shattered Robert.

“You - can't prove anything.” Robert said and it was enough. All of it was enough, the passion in his voice gave everything away, made Robert suddenly realise what a mistake he has made as soon as he opened his stupid mouth and –

Jerry stood up, wiping his brow. “He's a murderer.” He shouted, “And a fuckin’ fairy.”

“What like your son was?” Robert shouted, chin wobbling, tears in his eyes. Jerry looked enraged, started shaking his head. “Not nice is it? To call someone *that.”

Jerry stepped forward. “My lad … he was confused, that fuckin’ pillow bitter though –“

Robert couldn't helped himself, all the words, all the slurs and the hate for someone as good as Aaron was enough to make him lunge forward and attempt to strike out at Jerry. He was stopped though, Jack's strong hands crushed his chances and he fell back against the sink.

“Thanks Jerry.” Jack said, level headed and then he cleared his throat. “I can take it from here now, make sure everything is exactly how it should be.”

The words were like ice, prickled at Robert's skin and made him shudder. He didn't understand what it meant, he wasn't ready for what happened next.

The door slammed. Robert stared at his father, inches away from him and he expected a hit, he expected shouting and slamming and –

“You can never see Aaron again.”

It was worse than anything he could have prepared himself for, it was like a kick in the gut.

Jack stepped away, hands firm on the back of the kitchen chair as he looked right at his son. “I warned you. I warned you and kept warning you but you wouldn't listen would you?” He spat. “How many times?” He ran a hand through his hair, taking his cap off for a few seconds as he did so. “You never listen though, that's always been your bloody problem.”

Robert stood there stunned, tears swimming in his eyes.

“So this is your _last_ chance lad, I'm telling ya right now that you can never see that – that boy again.” His voice was so cold, that's what hurt the most, it was just so cold.

Robert's chin wobbled and then he gulped hard. The thought made him feel sick, it was an impossible one. A completely impossible one. How could he never see him again?

“I can't do that.” Robert whispered, felt Jack's eyes on him, judging him. “No.” He shook his head hard. “No dad – no please.”

Jack gulped hard. “You can and you will son.” He said, still calm.

Robert had this image in his head of Aaron hating him, hitting at his chest and telling him to never speak to him again. He had it on repeat and he wanted it to stop.

“ _No_!” Robert shouted, a hand rising and then shattering the plates near the sink. Jack's head raised immediately and he looked positively gutted by Robert's actions, his decisions. “It's not that easy! I can't just – dad –

“Why!” Jack screamed, “Why is it so hard?”

“Because I –“ Robert couldn't finish his sentence but he didn't need to, his father knew already. “You don't understand.” He settled for.

Jack laughed then, actually laughed. “And I never intend to.” He said before pausing, thinking hard. “You've let me with no choice now.” He said. “You're signing up.”

Robert didn't know if he had heard his father's words correctly, felt like he had suddenly gone deaf and had missed his last few words.

But then Jack said it again, and again and then it was all Robert could hear.

“W-what?” Robert shuddered, feeling light headed as he spoke.

Jack couldn't even look him in the eye, instead had his head towards the table. “As soon as I can I'm getting you out of here, I'm driving you myself to the army grounds, you're signing up, won't leave until you're accepted. That's it.” He said, cleared his throat and then moved across towards the stairs, ready to end the conversation.

Robert gulped, followed his father like a little boy as tears welled in his eyes. He couldn't believe the lengths his father was willing to go to all because of how he felt about Aaron.

“I can't go to war dad,” Robert caught Jack by the arm, had tears down his face. “I'm begging ya, begging ya to not do this to me.” He cried, couldn't bare the thought of having to apologise for his feelings. He wouldn't.

“I don't have a choice.” Jack shouted, looked stressed and worn and Robert winced at his words. “You've bought this on yourself son. You. Not me.”

“Because of Aaron?” Robert's voice broke, at Aaron's name of course. “Because – because –“

“Because I see the way you look at him and it turns my stomach son.” Jack hissed, close to Robert and then he pulled away.

Robert wiped at his face, felt his heart breaking. “So I deserve to be blown up on a battlefield for it?” He couldn't fathom his father's ways, he just couldn't.

Jack winced at how it sounded, carried on nevertheless. “I'm saving you a lot of mess, a lot of pain here. If the coppers knew about this then –“

“I can't help it dad.” Robert felt like a little boy, felt so wrong and worthless. “You sending me to France won't _stop_ it.”

He had heard about those doctors and their methods for trying to stop it all and it had made him feel sick. It couldn’t be stopped, he didn’t want the flutter in his chest to end.

“It will get you away from _him_ , from his sick mind.” Jack shouted, hands firm on Robert's shoulders and tears in his eyes, finally emotion pouring out of him. “It's final son, you're going.”

Robert tried to argue, fight his corner but then he realised there was no point. His dad knew, he knew what he was like, he knew _who_ he liked and it was enough to completely rip through him, through any happiness and hope which remained in his heart. Everything was tainted, everything was broken, completely and utterly broken.

He managed to escape, managed to run and run until he reached the bridge and he looked down at the water, watched it flow and run just like he had done. He thought back to how he had felt when he wanted to jump, wanted it all to end, he hated to admit how similar thoughts circled his mind.

He hitched a breath, thought about how easy it would be and then felt a strong hand on his shoulder, pulling him back and spinning him around.

Aaron. Of course Aaron.

It took seconds, just seconds for him to hold Aaron in his arms and crush him, vow never to forget the moment for as long as he lived as they rocked back and forth, held each other.

“Rob?” Aaron asked, finally pulling away and looking right at Robert, noticing his eyes were glassy and having a feeling of dread race through him, it was like he almost knew something bad was coming. “Tell me what's happened.”

Robert sniffed, chin wobbling as he saw Aaron standing in front of him. He was so beautiful, so good and honest and pure and he didn't deserve what would happen, he deserved someone who would never leave him, who would never even think about leaving him all by himself. But Robert couldn't do anything about that, he couldn't fix this, he couldn't ignore what would happening as soon as his father had the chance to sort it all out.

It could be tomorrow, as early as then, he thought.

Robert pressed a hand down on Aaron's chest and shook his head. “Let's go to the barn.” He whispered, knew he just wanted to hold Aaron for as long as he could, knew he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to him properly. He'd have to leave him a note or something, pour his whole heart out to him because he wouldn't be able to say any of it aloud, he would break down before he got the chance to say it all.

Aaron frowned, blinked up towards the dark sky and then back towards Robert who was holding him tightly. “Can't we go tomorrow?” He asked, confused by the sudden urgency.

Robert shook his head, nuzzled his nose against Aaron's. “Please, I want to go now, be with you.”

Aaron agreed, walked with Robert until they were in the barn and away from the rain which fell and kept on falling, crashing over the wooden barn door and making the hay seem even more inviting.

Aaron turned towards Robert, saw the older boy staring at him, just staring as if he was soaking him up, not wanting to forget the moment at all.

“You okay?” Aaron asked, voice soft and gentle and then Robert was coming towards him, nodding his head and trying to forget everything else in the world, trying to forget that the country was at war and he'd be dragged into it without a say.

“Come here.” Robert whispered, opening his arms out for Aaron to fall into. It felt right, so right and Robert hated himself for ever trying to convince himself that what he felt for Aaron was wrong, sinful even. He hated himself as Aaron stroked his arms, nuzzled into his chest, kissed at his neck softly like he always did.

He'd never have this again, Robert thought. He knew he wouldn't be able to be like this with Aaron ever again, he wouldn't be able to have this innocent memory of himself as a boy, with another boy who had his heart, who always would.

“Aaron,” Robert pulled himself away and held Aaron's face with his hands, “There's – something, I need to –“ he dipped his head, blew out a breath and then decided against it, decided to kiss his Aaron, his boy, kiss him hard and fast again and again.

Aaron felt everything inside him burst, heat was pouring through him and wouldn't stop as he was panting against Robert, telling himself that Robert would tell him what was wrong when he was ready to, for now he could help him by kissing him and kissing him. He suddenly felt Robert push him hard down on the hay, catch him by surprise and then he started touching him all over.

Aaron hitched a breath, felt the strain in his boxers become too hard to bare and then Robert was staring wide eyed at him, almost asking for permission to touch him.

When Aaron nodded, he felt his head roll back as Robert caressed him, squeezing and rubbing and then he was looking up at Aaron again.

“You sure?” Aaron shuddered, knew where this was heading but also knew that Robert hadn't got this far before, hadn't been this over the edge with anyone, boy or girl.

Robert gulped, feeling this urge to be with Aaron properly, to remember what it was like, to always have this night burned in his memory so he could compare to every other person he falsely gives himself to after Aaron.

“I want ya, I want this with you.” Robert said finally, hands moving over Aaron's belt and pulling it off with ease. Aaron watched in awe as Robert's checkered shirt fell to the ground and he found Robert's mouth all over his body, kissing him, tugging at his green overcoat and flinging it to the side.

“Show me how, show – show me –“ Robert whispered because Aaron must have known more than him about being like this with boys, his breath hitched as Aaron wrapped a hand beneath his boxers and kissed his neck hard.

Aaron took one look at Robert, this beautiful boy straddling his hips, a watery grin on his face and pain beneath his eyes and he felt like he was actually in heaven.

 

\--

 

 

Robert smiles, lines form on his forehead and then he's bright red. “In a barn?” He whispers, almost childlike as he speaks.

Aaron nods, remembers it like it was yesterday, he remembers how intense it all had been, how Robert's shaky hands fell into his as they both climaxed, Aaron buried deep inside Robert and falling apart in more ways than one when it was over.

He remembers hearing Robert say something like ‘I'm sorry’ when he was catching his breath, panting, laying beneath him. Then it had just been confusing, back when he had no clue what was coming next.

“Yeah, a barn.” Aaron says, sucks in a breath as a sharp pain fills him up inside and doesn't seem to want to fade. “Image that.” He says dryly and then watches Robert's face flicker.

“Mine was like that.” Robert says, flashes of something fill his mind, he remembers being sweaty, being on top of a boy and calling his name, kissing his face, so passionately. He doesn't know what to do with the memory, starts to panic but then Aaron's holding his knee.

“It's okay.” Aaron whispers, his heart leaps and the pain subsides almost completely as he realises that it's all working. He never thought Robert would remember their first time, that magical time they shared, one which no one could ruin.

Robert blows out a breath, nods his head and then he looks like he's in pain. “Doesn't stay happy though does it?” He says, almost knowingly.

Aaron offers him a sad smile, “No, no it doesn't.”

 

\--

 

 

Robert was in absolute awe of Aaron, more so than usual as he laid next to him, skin to skin, sweaty and messy and panting hard, still completely worked up from what they had done.

All he kept thinking about was how people could say it was ever _wrong_ , how on earth did people every think it was sinful, shameful to be like that with someone else, boy or girl.

Aaron nuzzled into Robert's neck and Robert looked down at his hands, Aaron was still _shaking_.

“Look at ya.” Robert whispered, holding Aaron's hands in his own and kissing them gently before slowly moving his body so that he was fully pressed on top of Aaron again, able to look into his blue eyes and fall even harder.

Aaron smiled shyly at Robert, felt his whole body spark and tingle as he laid there with only a small sheet between his body and Robert's. “You have no idea what – what ya mean to me.” He blurted out, hands falling into Robert's hair lovingly and then he pulled Robert closer to him. “That was … _magic_.” He said, “Finally know what all that fuss is about.”

Robert laughed, felt nothing but absolute admiration pour out of him but it wasn't enough to hide the pain and torment in his mind, he knew more than Aaron did. He knew the _truth_ , he knew this wouldn't last and that he'd be gone, he'd _leave_ Aaron, he'd die on the battle field with only the thought of kissing the blue eyed boy one more time in his mind before everything faded to black in his world.

Robert pressed a kiss to Aaron's forehead and then stroked Aaron's cheeks slowly. “I want you to remember this,” he whispered, “Promise me, you'll remember this, you'll remember that – that I was yours, I was yours not just now but – but I've always been, always will be.” He had tears in his eyes and they fell as Aaron smiled at him, worry in his eyes.

“Promise.” Aaron said before catching sight of Robert's watch and swearing. “I – Liv will be worried, I need to go.”

Robert's heart sank, it was too soon. “Not yet.” He whispered softly, desperately. It didn't matter though, Aaron's naked body was being covered by his clothes quickly and he was trying to find his boots.

Aaron turned slowly and looked at Robert, he looked broken, looked like he had a thousand things to try and say and he wished he had the time to hear it all. “It's just – after the air raid, she's scared I won't be so lucky this time.” He said, pulled over his green overcoat and buckled his trousers.

Robert smiled knowingly, Liv always seemed to hug him extra hard now and then began to pull on his own clothes. “Okay.” He said as he watched Aaron approach him, kiss him hard and fast.

“I'll make it up to ya.” Aaron whispered, suddenly sexier than Robert had ever given him credit for. “This time tomorrow you'll be screaming my name again Sugden.” He laughed.

It made Robert's face drop though, he paled, paled completely because this time tomorrow he'd probably be changing into a uniform and being called Private Sugden.

Aaron noticed, frowned and then pulled a hand through Robert's hair, holding him close against his chest. “Promise.” He whispered, kissed at Robert's blonde hair which was pressed against his forehead.

Robert nodded, watched as Aaron walked towards the door, just watched him go and tried his very hardest to stop bursting into tears.

“Aaron!” He called as he watched Aaron pull the barn door open and try to slip out without being seen by Jack.

Aaron turned, a lazy smile on his face, Robert knew he couldn't tell him, couldn't stop him from smiling, not when he wasn't used to be this happy.

“This – this was the best night of my life ya know.” Robert said, felt like an idiot for being so open but then Aaron's eyes fluttered and he knew that he wasn't alone in his feelings.

The rain had stopped, fresh air filling the space between the two lovers and making Aaron's eyes prickle with tears. “Same here.” He whispered, blushing and then going red, attempting to hide his face from Robert. “See you tomorrow.” He added, watching as Robert nodded at him, almost incapable of saying goodbye.

 

\--

 

 

Robert woke up and felt his bones ache, he had a mark on his neck, raised skin and flushed where Aaron had kissed him like mad, when he was pressed into him and making them both moan and feel strange, new, exciting things.

He looked at himself in the mirror of his room, running a hand over his neck and then eyeing a similar mark on his shoulder. It made him tingle all over and feel almost overwhelmed with memories from the night before, what they'd done, how much it meant. He knew there was no going back now, old enough to know what Aaron would always mean to him, it wouldn't just go away.

Suddenly the door burst open and Robert staggered back as he saw his father standing there, a hand gripping the door knob and a frown on his face.

“You came back late last night didn't you?” Jack asked, knew the answer as he stared at his son and then his eyes travelled down towards his naked torso.

Robert gasped, tried to cover his body but there was no point, none at all because Jack was already gripping his arms, wringing his body like he was some sort of rag doll. “What are these?” He shouted, inches from Robert's face, again and again.

Robert had nothing to say, couldn't find the words.

“Those marks? I know where you get those sort of marks from!” Jack had never acted so wildly in front of Robert before, it was beyond frightening and Robert's whole body grew rigid as Jack's grip grew tighter and tighter and he continued shaking him, trying to get some sort of reaction from his son.

“Dad stop, please dad!” Robert finally found the words, tried to fight his father away, wrestling with his firm grip. “Please!” He cried, feeling everything ache inside.

“You’ve laid down with him haven’t you?” Jack screamed, wouldn't stop. “Tell me!” Jack gripped even tighter around Robert's arms, creating bruises with his fingers as Robert's head rolled back and he steadied a breath.

“And I _loved_ it.” Robert hissed, stared hard at his father and then suddenly felt himself fall hard down onto the ground with a large thud, his father had simply let go of him and the impact had been greater than either of them had imagined.

Robert gasped, shaking all over as he felt blood trickling from his head and winced at the pain which flowed through him. His father was above him, panting, shaking his head, looming over and checking if Robert was okay.

“Son …” Jack started, tried to hold out a hand for Robert to hold yet was only met with cry of resistance from his boy. “I - I'm only saving ya. From yourself. From people like _him_.” He cleared his throat. “We're going today, get dressed, get ready, I'll be back by lunch time.” He moved towards the door, shaking his head still. “Don't make me wait for ya.”

The door slammed shut and Robert felt his insides fall apart.

Robert just about managed to make his way towards the bridge, towards the little stream. He was laid out on the ground, probably getting his checkered shirt dirty but he didn't seem to care about that, the only constant thought running through his mind was pain, he felt such pain and it was almost unimaginable. What hurt the most was that it wasn't strictly physical pain either, it was more than that. This pain revolved around Aaron and all the pain he felt about leaving him so soon.

Robert had decided to stay on the grass by the stream until it was twelve o'clock, until it was lunch time and he'd have to go back, he'd have no other choice. He'd also decided not to see Aaron by following his plan, it was on purpose, the thought of seeing him after last night would tear his heart out and he couldn't deal with that.

Instead he had to turn his heart to stone, and he did, he really did.

Robert had his eyes closed, face titled towards the sky and breathing slow as he tried not to think about anything too heavy, one thought at a time came to mind, the journey to the army grounds, signing up, being checked and weighed, being handed a –

Robert felt someone's lips pressed against his and he nearly broke, his cold heart nearly began to melt. Nearly.

“Guess who?” It was Aaron's voice, of course it was Aaron's voice, Aaron's nose tickling Robert's and a hand on his cheek.

Robert's eyes fluttered opened, took one look at his beautiful boy and had to push him away, just had to. “What ya doing Aaron?” He said, voice harsh, rough as he darted his eyes around the small private greenery and then sighed.

Aaron frowned, confused by Robert's coldness, especially after how close they had been the night before. Insecurities began to surface and bubble and he couldn't fight against them, Robert wasn't helping him fight against it all.

Robert tried to hide his face, suddenly aware of the cut on his forehead and the bruising there too but Aaron kept trying to look at him, kept trying to hold his arms and he suddenly winced out in pain.

A flash of worry brightened Aaron's face and he gulped hard. “Rob? What's – are you okay?” He said, voice shaky, almost frantic as Robert still kept his head down.

“Can't see ya anymore Aaron.” Robert said, breaking, so nearly breaking. The wind picked up, the trees around mocked the silent moment between them and made Aaron feel sick as he had time to think about what Robert had said.

“But last night …” Aaron tried, tears suddenly filling his eyes as he came towards Robert.

“Was a mistake.” Robert fired, harsh, almost brutal. “A dirty little mistake Aaron, like all of *this was.” He added, lied, just kept lying.

Aaron frowned again, he didn't believe a word of it. He didn't want to. “Robert look at me, stop lying.” He whispered, “Last night – I let you, you – we had …” It was almost painful to say, to think about how intimate they had been and then think about Robert calling it dirty just like everyone else did.

Robert wasn't meant to be like everyone else. Robert was different.

“Sex.” Robert barked, head still towards the floor. “That's all it was, I needed to – to pop my cherry and there you were. So willing, just like I knew you'd be.”

Aaron shook his head, “You don't mean that.” He said, tears falling down his face. “You – something’s happened. I know something has happened Robert!” He said, coming closer and lifting up Robert's hair roughly. He staggered back when he saw the bruising, the blood. He felt sick.

Robert cleared his throat, paled a little as he saw how broken his injuries made Aaron. He looked practically distraught.

“What's happened to ya? My _God_ Robert.” Aaron shivered, hands falling onto Robert's face. “Tell me, please tell me.”

Robert went to speak, mouth falling open and ready to say it out, heart thawing and then – he saw his father’s face in his mind and he was suddenly pushing Aaron away hard, watching the young boy falling back onto the grass.

“This, all this has meant _so_ much more to ya than it has to me.” Robert lied, holding back his tears. “It has to stopped. I want it to stop.”

Aaron's face crumpled as he tried to gather to his feet. “Why? Because – because we've had sex? Because – you can't handle my scars, my messed up problems that I can't fix!”

It shattered Robert, he couldn't cope with Aaron blaming himself for this but he stayed silent, he didn't object, he was just being that cruel.

“Or – or is it about the war? Is it about the fact that you could sign up any minute and leave?” Aaron was hitting too close to him, it was panicking Robert and he instantly had to fight against it.

“No!” Robert shouted, “I just can't keep living this dirty life anymore with you, it's wrong Aaron.” He carried on, again and again. “You were right, I only like girls, last night proved that and – and I can't keep pretending I'm some pillow biter like you when I'm not!”

It was a slur, a horrible one which made Aaron's heart ache. He couldn't fight against it anymore yet still saw the pain in Robert's eyes, the cut on his forehead.

“You're scared, you're scared because of your dad. I know.” Aaron tried again, ignored everything Robert attempted to throw at him as he slowly moved closer and watched Robert's chin wobble and then saw the raised skin on his neck. Aaron covered his mouth with his hands and shook his head. “Did he see that?”

Robert stayed silent, winced as he relived how angry his father had been with him, he'd never behaved like that before.

Aaron shuddered. “I'm so sorry.” He whispered, remembered when he'd done it, Robert had enjoyed it, moaned even, found pleasure in how it felt but – Jack had seen, he'd tainted it. “He hurt ya.” He whispered, breath hard and fast and – “You're scared but you don't have to be.” He said, suddenly pulled his hands round Robert's body and held him tight. “We can run away, we can just _go_ , right now.” He said, felt like a little boy with wild dreams.

For a second Robert agreed, and then he shattered. “Can't Aaron.” He mumbled out, felt Aaron's wet face against his. “Liv, your mum, think about _Liv_ Aaron!” He said quickly, pulling himself away from Aaron's grip.

“ – Australia, you said you wanted to go there, you said, remember you said?” Aaron said, falling apart against Robert and then feeling Robert turn away from him. “Please Rob, you _promised_.”

Robert felt his heart melting, a pain like no other roared within his veins and he wanted to hold Aaron against him, rock him, make love to him over and over again and then run away together, live their lives away from war and tears and heartbreak. It would never be like that though, never.

“I lied.” Robert whispered, turning back towards Aaron and seeing his broken he appeared. “Stop crying, stop making this so *hard and just accept that this – this was nothing, it didn't mean anything Aaron. We were _kidding_ ourselves.”

Aaron shook his head, “We weren't.” He said, held his chest. “We've never felt this way about anyone before, I know I'm right.”

Robert closed his eyes and held his head. “Just _stop_!” He couldn't hear that. “Why are you _so_ intent on making this into something so much more than what it is? Stop trying to make out as if we …”

“I LOVE YA!” Aaron didn't mean to say that. He really didn't but he had and he couldn't take it back.

It was the last thing Robert wanted to hear, the very last thing because it was so painfully accurate, so scary and true and honest and …

Robert felt exactly the same way, he loved Aaron . Of course he did, he always had done.

Aaron shuddered, more tears falling down his face. “That's why.” He hissed, shaky hands coming towards Robert's chest. “Because I'm in love with ya and I don't know what to do, I don't - don't love people like this. But I love _you_.” He was still crying. “And I think – I think you feel the same.”

Robert's mouth was dry as Aaron held onto his shirt and stared into his eyes. “I – I don't.” He lied because it was easier this way, Aaron would fall apart if he knew how in love Robert was with him, he'd break if he knew and then Robert left him.

Aaron's face fell, “No.” He whispered, “No, I know you do.” Robert looked away, tears falling down his face. “Look at me, I've loved ya since – since you first looked at me, I saw this – this farm lad and then I saw so much more and I loved ya.” He buried his head into Robert's chest. “I love you, I love you Rob.”

It took all the strength in the world to pull Aaron away from him but Robert managed. “You don't. You think you do but you don't.”

“DON’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!” Aaron shouted, face reddening as he stared at how blank Robert tried to seem. Suddenly rage built up inside him, he wanted to hurt Robert back, wanted to ruin him just the same. “Fine.” He said, began pushing at Robert's chest. “Fine, I hate ya. I fuckin’ hate ya.” He carried on pushing, kept pushing and pushing until Robert was laid out on the grass and he was hovering over him.

“I – I fuckin’ …” Aaron screamed and then felt Robert grip hold of his arms and stop him. Just a look, just a little look in Robert's eyes and Aaron found himself pushing his lips hard against Robert, crying as he felt his own hands run through Robert's again and again and then Robert was pushing him away. He really didn't want him.

Robert staggered to his feet. “We're done.” He said, shuddering, tears falling down his face. “This isn't a _love_ story Aaron. We don't get that.” He added, sad, removed from all the love he felt for Aaron. “Just stay away.” He whispered, knew as he stared at Aaron it would be the last time he'd see him like this, maybe ever. Maybe he'd never see Aaron Dingle again.

Aaron sniffed, still on the grass, tears down his face. Robert had ruined him. “You promised. You promised me.”

“Aaron?” Robert breathed out, hitching his breath and trying not to cry. He realised he couldn't say goodbye. Not properly. “I'm so …”

“Just go.” Aaron sobbed, curling himself up in a small ball. “Just – just _go_.” He whispered. “And don't turn back.”

Robert felt like he had been hit in the gut, suddenly wanted Aaron telling him he loved him again because that was less painful than this.

Less painful. Less painful. Less painful. That's all Robert could think about as he walked back towards the farm, his heart felt like it had been twisted and spat out by Aaron and he hated how much he was to blame for it all. He'd broken Aaron's heart, but he had to, it was a necessary evil.

Jack was standing there by the door, Victoria pressed to his side and a look so stern that Robert couldn't meet his eye as he walked up towards them.

“Rob!” Victoria's voice was small and weak and Robert instantly felt tears in his eyes as he bent down and stared at her, “Daddy said you're being brave like Andy.”

Robert nodded his head, sniffed as he began gently stroking her hair. “Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah I am Vic, I'm so sorry.” He couldn't help himself, felt tears threaten to fall. “I'm so sorry for leaving ya.” He shuddered, hated himself, hated loving a boy, hated everything.

Jack was suddenly over him, clearing his throat. “No need to upset her.” He said, attempting to pull his daughter up but she just held tighter around him, buried her head into Robert's neck.

Robert shot a look to his father, eyes hardening. He wasn't going to be soft anymore, wasn't letting his father take anything else away from him, he'd hold his little sister and he'd let her go only when he felt ready to.

The time came, she began to wriggle and pull away and then she stared at Robert, hurt so evident on her face. “Bring back a medal for me.” She said, so childlike, so soft.

Robert pinched her nose, “Yeah.” He whispered, “I promise.” He added before he rose to his feet. When he looked up, his father was there, staring at him and then he chucked a bag by his feet, eyes moving towards the tractor waiting for him.

“Come on.” Jack said before looking towards Victoria. “Katie will be here soon, you just hop back inside for us.” He said, watching her go.

Robert soaked in her smile, her blonde hair, the pink bow, her yellow dress. Then she was gone.

 

\--

 

Somehow Aaron made it back to the village, he wasn't able to cry anymore, no more tears left to pour as his feet trudged back towards the pub.

He couldn't stop how much he ached, he couldn't fight the pain in his heart and he hated himself. He hated how madly, how boldly, how wholeheartedly he had fallen in love with Robert Sugden, his best mate.

Aaron walked up towards the pub, swinging the door open and then feeling Liv crush straight into him.

“Liv?” Aaron asked, concern rippling through him and then he saw Chas’ face, she looked troubled too.

“What if he dies?” Liv mumbled against Aaron's chest and he frowned quickly, confused, scared about what she was talking about.

“Who?” Aaron breathed out, pulling her away and seeing how upset she looked.

Liv frowned, “Robert.” She said, like it was obvious.

Aaron's head snapped towards his mother and a feeling of dread raced through him as she ducked her head and then tilted it.

“Love, Jack's – he's making him sign up, now. Robert's left.” Chas hated how quickly Aaron's face paled, how quickly her son's head began shaking in disbelief.

“No.” Aaron whispered, gulped hard and fast and thought about it all. Robert couldn't be _gone_. He couldn't have just left without – _No_. “He can't – mum, no.” He felt like a little boy, a damaged messed up little boy. He suddenly thought of Jackson, what he'd done, this was his punishment. This.

Chas came round the bar, eyes flickering. “I know son, but it's too late now.” She whispered, tried not to make a scene.

Aaron rubbed at his face, “It _can’t_ be. No. No it can't.” He shouted, running straight out the pub and towards the farm.

He ran the whole way there.

 

\--

 

 

Robert stared at the house, his home, and all he thought of was painful memories. He thought of sitting on the steps, watching his mother hanging up clothes and humming along to an old tune. He thought of playing with Andy in the fields and hearing about how much he wanted to stay, wanted to be a part of his family. He thought about Victoria, how much joy she bought and then all the misery which followed her.

“Let's go.” Jack said, voice stern, far removed from what it used to sound like.

Robert turned towards him slowly, nodded his head and then began walking away from his life, away from –

“ROBERT!” It was Aaron, it was _Aaron_ and he was there, running across the fields and towards him, panting and waving his arms out and Robert hated how easily he broke into a smile at the sight of his best friend.

Jack ended it though, rough hands gripped round Robert's shoulders and he pulled him towards the tractor, away from Aaron.

“Sick of this, get in!” Jack hissed, began driving Robert towards the tractor, blocking his view of Aaron completely. “Get off my land.” He shouted towards Aaron but the young boy wasn't scared anymore, he wasn't.

“Ya can't take him, you can't!” Aaron shouted back, tried to make his way towards Robert who had been pushed in the car. “Robert! Robert please!” He said, pleading as he banged on the window and Robert desperately turned away.

“Get lost!” Jack said, pushing Aaron aside before he managed to get into the tractor, turning the engine and watching as Aaron shook his head in despair.

It all made sense, Aaron thought as he watched Jack begin driving them away from the farm, Jack found out and he told Robert he'd be sending him away to the war because of it, that's why Robert had tried to break his heart, to stop him from experiencing all this pain..

“Robert!” Aaron found himself shouting, his legs running and running and being able to nearly catch up to the tractor which was slow on the muddy ground. “Robert, you promised!”

Robert ducked his head even more, he'd promised over and over again that he'd never leave Aaron, that he would stay with him forever. He was a fool for doing such a thing, a lovesick fool. He suddenly raised his head as he saw Aaron banging on his side of the window, trying to keep up. He looked at his father, eyes firm on the road like he was trying to forget the presence of a teenager at his window, like it was easy.

Robert shuddered, pushed the window down and then heard Jack mutter something about speeding up to get away from the crazy boy. Aaron found his hand in Robert's somehow, just for a second, just one second and it was enough, Aaron was crying, Robert felt himself falling and his heart was a pool of mess, hard to pretend it was stone cold anymore.

“I lied! Everything I said, I lied!” Robert shouted, pushing himself towards Aaron and then feeling Jack start to speed up. “I – Aaron, I _love_ you, I'm sorry.”

Jack pushed the engine, hard, fast, revving up and then Robert felt Aaron's hands break free from his own, completely break free and then Aaron was gone, nothing left but a pain in his chest and tears in his eyes and a silhouette crying on a country road.

‘ _Aaron I love you, I'm sorry.’_

It's all he thought about until his eyes were filled with tanks and transport vehicles and officers, that's all he could see, just war, everywhere around him, it was just perpetual, an ache inside him which wouldn't stop, war, everywhere.

 


	4. PART IV

Robert felt the tractor churn to a halt and then saw his father stepping out, walking towards a corporal and shaking his hand, pointing towards the tractor, towards Robert, speaking low and fast. Robert sat in the tractor, felt like he was being auctioned off or something and it made him feel sick, instantly thoughts circled his mind, they all revolved around his mother.

Mum would never let this happen, Robert thought to himself as he sat there, face red, blotchy. He could feel eyes on him, soldiers staring at him through the window, they were saying something about the tractor, calling him a farm boy and he hated it all.

“Robert.” Jack's voice pulled Robert up from his thoughts and he looked towards his window, where Aaron had been, where he'd last seen him. “Get out.” He added, had this mad ability to paint a smile on his face, relax his shoulders as he opened the door for his son and even patted him on the back as he did so.

Robert was met with a man's face in his, inspecting him, he had a moustache, an officer's hat and a uniform decorated with army badges. He looked like someone who rarely smiled, if ever. “Robert?” He said, voice just how Robert expected it to be. “How old are you son?” He asked.

Robert gulped hard, “Nineteen Sir.” He answered, head lifted up towards the officer and then darting down again.

The officer looked towards Jack. “I assume you've bought his papers.” Jack must have nodded. “We'll do some checks and get him sent off to the main settlement.”

“Okay,” Jack said, voice unsure all of a sudden. “Do I just – go now?” The officer nodded, tried to smile and then turned.

Jack had a second, a second to say something to his son and he suddenly turned him by the shoulders and shook his head. “I don't hate you son.” He said, whispering. “Just - don't let me down now.”

Robert raised his head at that, at his words. Still, despite everything, that's all he really cared about, his son not letting him down. Nothing else mattered to him, not his son being safe, writing letters or knowing he was loved. “Don't let you down.” Robert mumbled, tears threatening to fall as he spoke but then he hardened. “That's all that mattered to me too once.” He said, voice filled with such sadness that even Jack had to turn away.

Jack cleared his throat, a flat hand on Robert's back before he moved away. “You'll thank me one day.” He cleared his throat, a curt nod of the head given and then he was turning back towards the tractor and Robert was all alone.

He was transported to one of the settlements, to a group of boys his age, there were ten of them, stationed to leave for France in the morning. He was given a uniform, ran his hands over the green fabric, the brown belt tight around him, the British Army beret and the boots, he felt important and it scared him, it scared him so much.

The group of boys he was assigned to were named the PALS, no one knew what it stood for but they seemed to all find humour in it, despite their situation. Robert was an outsider, of course he was, being from a little village, being the son of a farmer.

“Oi, farm boy!” Robert lifted his head awkwardly as he heard someone calling towards him that night.

Robert nodded his head, uniform itchy on his skin as he sat on the muddy ground, the lads all around him, nosey about the new boy from the hills.

“Ya mind tellin’ us your name?” One of them stepped forward, a round face, brown dark eyes and a cocky sort of smile that made Robert feel a little on edge.

“Robert, Robert Sugden.” Robert said, a voice in his head telling him that it was okay, that it would be okay, he knew who's voice it was, wanted to cry but didn't.

The boy smiled, raising an eyebrow. “Harry Barnes.” He said, before turning round to the others. “Go by surnames here though don't we lads.” He added, turning back to Robert and practically shoving him into the small circled they'd all sat round.

Harry pointed to all the boys, one by one and Robert realised he was obviously the leader, naturally it seemed. “Right so this is Johnny,” he said, puffing out his chest and pointing towards a lanky lad, bright ginger hair. “Or ginger snap, or –“

Johnny leaned over, slapped at Harry's leg and then looked up at Robert, nodding his head at him. “Johnny, well Matthew Johnson but –“

“Yeah no one gives a fuck mate.” Robert raised an eyebrow at the voice, it was different to him, from down South. He looked at the boy, saw the cigarette in his mouth and then the way he puffed it with an air of experience. He was probably the oldest, probably a young Cain Dingle of sorts.

“Alfie Bowe,” Alfie said, looking at Robert intensely and then clearing his throat. “These tossers call me Jimbo though,” the others laughed, a back story obvious, “Don't ask.” He said, still with a straight face as he turned towards the boy sitting next to him, tousling his black hair as he elbowed the bony lad with dirty blonde hair. “’ere ar’ Robert, meet Bones or – Michael Madden.”

Bones – Michael – looked positively frightened, he raised his head, nodded towards Robert and then looked back down again, a hand firm around a stick he was tracing in the ground with his right hand. Robert instantly thought of how unfair it all was, how a boy like him could be recruited, approved of when he permanently looked as if he'd seen a bloody ghost. It was all wrong, all so wrong.

 

\--

 

 

“Right lads, this time tomorrow you'll be fighting for Queen and country and by the grace of God we’ll make it out as not only heroes but real men n’all. Well you lot mind.” There was some chuckling and then Robert stared at the officer, tall and muscly and donning his uniform. “Chin up lads, we're fighting the bloody war!” Everyone clapped at that, Robert just paled.

 

\--

 

 

Robert had his own little space, right under the stars which twinkled and reminded him of home and only made his heart ache subsequently. He'd had training, raised a gun, fired once, twice and then felt his head swim with pain and sorrow because if it. The others, Harry and Jimbo, were able to do it so easily, smiles on their faces, laughter in their voices, Robert struggled, struggled so much and it ached all over.

“Oi.” Robert turned slowly, saw Harry looming over him, dark eyes even darker. Harry slowly bent down, cleared his throat as he looked towards the small bag next to him, the one Robert hadn't dared open yet. “You opened that yet?” Robert shook his head and then felt Harry come closer, “Listen, this time tomorrow we'll be doing the real work.”

Robert frowned faintly at that, “The – the real work?” He asked, unsure of what else to say as he looked around and saw that the others had managed to fall asleep.

“Yeah, ya know,” Harry made a gun with his fingers and then pointed towards his temple before shooting and lolling his head back playfully. Robert looked at him, eyes wide and almost horrified. “Shit.” Harry bent his head. “Look mate, it's ‘cause it's your first night. Probably missing ‘ome aren't ya?”

Robert nodded, very slowly, looking away from Harry as he did so because it was so true in the most painful of ways, he missed home, but not the farm, not the actual building, not his kitchen, or his bed. No, he missed Aaron and suddenly he came to the heart stopping conclusion that Aaron _was_ home.

“Cheer up, we'll be back soon. Medals down our front, tellin’ ‘em how many Nazi lovin’ bastards we killed. We'll be heroes mate, _heroes_.” Harry was so animated, his brown hair sticking up as he spoke and moved his hands about with enthusiasm, Robert didn't know whether to thank him for trying to make him feel better, or hit him for being so ignorant. He decided to just smile instead, feel the lad pat his back and then shuffle away again so that he was left looking up at the moon, thinking of Aaron, thinking of the way they danced that night, when everything was simple and good in their world.

“And when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you.” Robert whispered, felt tears stream down his face,

Aaron was nearly knocked down by Moira Barton, that's how he managed to get back to the pub. Moira had picked him up, gently rocked him back and forth as he sobbed about things she would never understand and then she drove him home in a tractor too similar to Jack's.

It made the tears fall faster and harder, until their was absolutely nothing left of him.

Chas held him first, and he let her, for a while, because Liv was scared and confused and he couldn't cause a scene.

“Is he gone?” That's what Liv said, voice shaky and filled with sadness. Chas nodded in her direction, the pub was shut by then and it was passed her bedtime.

“Yes darling,” Chas whispered, had no idea how much of an impact Robert Sugden had on her little girl, or her boy, oh her boy. “Off to bed now.” She whispered, voice soft.

Liv looked towards her brother who had his face buried in their mother’s chest, “Aaron?” She called and slowly Aaron pulled away, nodded towards her. “He'll be okay.” She whispered, “He's too clever to …”

“To what? To be blown up?” Aaron hated how horrible he sounded but almost couldn't fight it, he was being nasty and lashing out because he felt like there was nothing else to do, he had been broken completely and no one was safe from it.

Liv looked horrified, images flashed through her mind again and again and then she shook her head, raced up the stairs.

Aaron felt a sting of regret travel through him and then he charged past the bar, towards his bedroom. Chas stopped him though, running after him and pulling him round.

“Love.” Chas placed a hand on Aaron's chest. “You can't just not speak to me about this.” She looked down at his knees, covered in dirt, hands grazed. “Darling, how did this happen?”

Aaron shuddered, felt sick. “Just want to forget it.” He meant to say ‘him’ but how could he when he knew Robert loved him? He tried to move past his mother again but then felt her stop him from leaving. “Let me go.” He cried.

Chas didn't know what to say, how to stop him from hurting the way he was. “I wish I could stop you hurting love.” She whispered, hand on her head, out of her depth just like always.

Aaron shook his head, moved into their small living room and collapsed on the sofa, hand covering his face, hiding his pain. “Well ya can't, no one can.” He said, voice small and feeble as she slid down and sat next to him.

“I – I was so scared of this happening.” Chas tutted, shook her head. “I knew you were – I just *knew you were getting attached, that it'd break your heart when he …”

“When he what?” Aaron gulped, “Left me?” He felt the weight of his words and buried his head.

Chas bit her lip, “He was _never_ gonna be like you love.” She whispered and suddenly Aaron realised that his mother had looked at them and seen nothing but unrequited love, he didn't know if it was better or worse than the truth.

“You're wrong.” Aaron hissed, shaking his head and puffing out a long breath.

Chas sighed, tried to comfort her son a little. “Darling, I'm just – he wasn't like…”

“He loved me mum.” Aaron blurted out, tears swelling in his eyes and pouring out because he was speaking as though Robert was already just a ghost. “He loved me _too_. He – he was my best mate but we loved each other more than we should have, more than mates ever do. I loved him and now he's gone.” He saw the shock on her face, didn't even know what to say because their feelings were so obvious to Liv, it was just his mother who lacked the ability to see through it all.

Chas gulped, tried to think of something to say. “That's why Jack kept tellin’ me to keep ya away from his boy.” She said, eyes glossing over.

Aaron nodded and then sniffed, “It's all my fault he's gone.” He whispered, looked ashamed. “He's gone, he's fighting ‘cause – cause his dad found out about what we did.” He winced, waited a few seconds for his mum to realise what he was talking about and then heard her clear her throat, look at the raised skin on her son's own neck and reach the same conclusion Jack had.

“Oh love.” Chas said, “Blimey, I didn't …” She trailed off, nothing else to say before she gathered her thoughts, “Doesn't mean it's your fault though.”

“It is.” Aaron's chin wobbled, “If I just stayed away then – then he'd be here, Jack wouldn't have made him leave.” He pulled his hands up and shook his head, fresh tears falling. “God, what I have done mum?” He suddenly felt her pull him into a fierce hug and hold him towards her chest as he cried, as he shook with fear and agony because – because Robert was at war and therefore, so was he.

He kissed Liv's head, felt her wrap her arms right around his neck and whisper an apology which only made him whisper one back more sincerely, then he somehow managed to move into his room which had memories, so many memories of Robert because he'd stayed there, been so close for so long and Aaron had been so lucky back then.

Aaron looked towards the window and studied the night sky above him, it was almost a silky blue colour and he was in awe of how soft it was, how magical and innocent it could appear whilst his world was being ripped apart. His world, his world was Robert and it was frightening fact to know, to be so aware of at his young age.

“I'm sorry.” Aaron whispered to himself in the silence of his room, “I'm so sorry Rob.” He said and then he caught his breath, saw the moon, how big and beautiful it was. A memory fell into his mind almost instantly.

‘”Look how big it is!” Aaron had said childishly one night as they laid next to each other, holding hands and staring up at the moon, how shiny and big it was.

Robert rolled his eyes, “It's just the moon, it's always there.” He said, shrugging at its size. “Just bigger tonight.”

“Always there, _see_. Ya know how weird that is?” Aaron's face brightened. “Ya can be anywhere in the world and still look up and see the same moon.”

Robert's eyes flickered, the way Aaron spoke about the world was so beautiful sometimes and it made him hate the people who silenced him for so long, who made him feel like he wasn't worthy of voicing his thoughts. “Yeah.” He whispered, pulling Aaron towards him and watching his eyes sparkle before kissing him.

“Just look up at the moon, whenever, wherever you are, and know we'll be looking at exactly the same one.” Aaron said, felt something warm travel across his chest as he spoke.

Robert smiled, kissed Aaron again and then began humming that song, their song.’

“And when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you.” Aaron whispered, felt everything inside him fall apart because it was too hard. He quickly pulled himself away from the window and onto his bed, hugging at his knees and rocking himself back and forth until exhaustion took over and he entered a world filled with frightful dreams posing as reality. Robert dying every time.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron's eyes are wet again and he suddenly closes the book, overwhelmed by the effect it's having on him and his heavy heart. He thinks he's over it but obviously not.

Robert looks troubled too, a hand on his forehead and a frown on his face. “Terrible.” He says, shaking his head.

Aaron gulps, looks at Robert. “Do ya – Robert…” He doesn't even know what he wants to say because everything's become too much and it's hard to breathe suddenly.

He stands, shaky legs and arms and then strong ones pull him up, Ellie.

“Aaron.” Ellie whispers in his ear, “I think I should call Jacob now, and Annie. One of them at least.” She tries but Aaron objects adamantly as he feels her guide him towards the small garden to get some air.

“No.” Aaron says, clears his throat. “Please, I need more time with him.” He says, “He's only just been signed up Ellie.” He adds, dryly, has a small smile on his face.

Ellie frowns, looks unconvinced.

“He's doing okay, he's not …”

“What about _you_ though eh?” Ellie asks, “You look worn out.” She blinks quickly and moves closer. “This must be so hard for you to have to go through again too Aaron.”

Aaron blinks away the thought, feels sick suddenly and then tries to smile. “I'm fine, honest.” He lies, presses hard down on his hand to stop himself from shaking and then goes back towards Robert who is waiting patiently.

“Who’s this?” Robert asks Ellie as Aaron comes towards him and smiles. Aaron's heart practically sinks and it makes him have to sit down.

Ellie looks flustered. “Aaron, you know, Aaron's reading you a story isn't he?” She prods and then Robert nods his head slowly, reaches for the book and starts to stroke it gently.

“Aaron.” Robert whispers, suddenly reaches out and holds his husband’s hand, squeezes gently and makes Aaron feel nothing but love race through his veins. He's loved him all his life, loves him so much it aches, always will. Robert hasn't been like this with him for months, months and months. “I knew an Aaron.” He adds.

Aaron feels a shiver run through him, “You did?” He says, tears starting to swell in his eyes as Ellie's eyes widened in shock.

Robert nods, smiles as he thinks about his Aaron, thinks about holding hands and stars and hay. “He was brilliant.” He concludes and Aaron warms, just warms completely.

“Yeah?” Aaron whispers, it just breaks his heart.

Robert looks at the book in his hand and then passes it to Aaron. “You're reading me a story yes?”

Aaron nods, “Yeah I am.” He whispers and Robert's eyes brighten, almost like he remembers something.

“The boys and the war.” Robert says, seemingly gripped by what Aaron had previously told him.

Aaron nods, “Yeah, the war, the bloody war.” He says roughly, wills himself to carry on.

 

 

\--

 

 

Enemy lines. That's where they are, a field between them and the Germans in the middle of France somewhere.

It had been three days, three days of training and shooting and hiding from the ‘enemy’ and then suddenly they were forced into it all.

“Right lads, keep tight, heads down.” Their officer shouted at them as they ducked away from the view of the Germans. “We need to get a sense of the weapons used, the impact.” He continued, voice lower as he spoke and directed his attention towards Jimbo. “Private Bowe, you'll lead, then Johnny, then Madden.”

Barnes frowned, gripped his gun tight. “What about me and Sugden Sir?” He asked, his protectiveness of Robert had been made clear over the last few days and Robert appreciated it.

“You're staying near the back, weapons down, eyes up.”

Robert felt a ripple of relief wave through him because he wouldn't be shooting yet, he didn't care what the other boys, from the other groups would think him a coward for it. He didn't care at all.

It darkened quickly, a sheet of blackness tugging over the sky and making it hard to see, this was the perfect time to attack according to corporal Harding, but Robert hated it. He hated how vulnerable they all were, slow feet crushing down on muddy ground and being completely surrounded by tall looming trees which mocked them.

Robert did as he was told, gun down, head up, heart thudding, thoughts completely away from the action and constantly straying towards Aaron. Aaron and Victoria. He couldn't help but wander if she was okay, if Jack was sober, if he was looking after her properly.

“Oi!” Harry poked him with his gun and Robert's eyes widen with alarm, “Eyes ahead.” He ordered, despite only being a year older than Robert was he seemed to have the power a corporal would and Robert couldn't help but oblige as they persisted, trudging through the muddy ground, watching as the other soldiers marched ahead, guns raised, just ready to see the enemy.

Robert dreaded with all his heart, found himself slipping back into thoughts about Aaron almost immediately and then suddenly there was a sound of a shot and screams and cries, it was maddening, how Robert just completely froze and found it hard to move his body at all.

“Down Sugden!” Robert heard Harry shout and then suddenly the older boy was pushing him down towards the ground hard and covering his ears as the sound of shots continued. “Don't raise your head, don't look.” He shouted, tugging Robert further towards him and watching the mayhem take place a few metres away from them.

Robert shut his eyes, felt his whole body shake and suddenly thought of Jimbo and Madden, and Johnny. They were leading, they were dead weren't they?

They won't though, Robert realised a few minutes later, a few minutes which felt like a few hours. They were all okay, the shots weren't hit at them, the Germans were shot instead. Five of them, shot down. A sickening pain ripped through Robert as he thought about it, about how relieved he was that they were okay, about how relieved he was that … five boys were dead instead.

They set up camp, a fire built in the middle as they all sat round it and contemplated where they would move to next. Their officer had nothing but brave words to share about Jimbo, the lad who had killed four of them, four out of five.

Robert stared in amazement at him, completely struck by how confident and happy Jimbo was about his actions, about the fact that he had killed people, shot them down as soon as he saw their black uniform and realised they were different. “One of ‘em tried to raise his gun at me.” Jimbo scoffed, “Nazi tosser.”

Robert heard the others laugh, looked over at Bones and his heart went out to him, he looked completely traumatised, almost shattered as he stared wide eyed at his gun and began wiping it furiously, mud and blood all mixed together in some sort of terrible colour. He approached him a few hours later, when he was sure that the shock would have worn down but it hadn't, Bones still sat there looking vacant and terribly ill.

“Alright?” Robert's voice was low as he sat down next to Bones. “You're obviously not. It must have been … a shock.”

Bones lifted his head, his stammer worse than usual. “Like pins, dominos, they all just – jus’ fell.” He tried to get out, “They wouldn't – it was – they wouldn't move, they weren't even scared.”

Robert couldn't imagine how it must have been, dreaded the day it becomes his reality.

“Can't call ‘em brave though can we? Their Hitler lovers aren't they? Blonde hair, blue eyed Nazi’s.” Bones seemed to be haunted by one of their faces as he spoke. “But one, he looked like he was – was just a boy, reminded me of – of Tommo, my brother – same blonde hair.” He ducked his head and then gulped.

“It's not fair.” Robert shuddered. “None of this is.” He added, watched Bones raise his head. “It'll be over though, it will pass.”

_‘It will pass.’_

A week passed, feelings didn't. They were moved, edged towards the front lines, closer and closer towards the main bulk of the Germans and expected to strike any time of day.

It happened unexpectedly one afternoon when the wind was whistling and their was a low murmur of humming in the small alcoves they had dug, they were trenches, but different to the ones used in the first war, less sodden with rain and no rats – yet. Johnny was sleeping, his head bent down on Robert's who was staring out over the field, holding his gun towards his chest for some sort of protection. He hadn't slept at all last night, his eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot, unable to look any differently considering what he had dreamed about last night.

He had dreamed about Aaron kissing him, touching him, crying and telling him they'd buy a house on a hill and forget the war, and then his brains had been blown out and he had collapsed on Robert's chest, a German smirking at him, holding the weapon used to kill his Aaron.

It was on repeat all night until Robert gave up the thought of sleep and instead fixed his eyes towards enemy lines, watched for a flicker of something until the others were awake. He'd been able to look in his bag finally, the one that Jack had packed for him and he felt almost sick with grief once he discovered a picture of his mother holding Victoria, buried beneath other small things he didn't care about. He held onto it until Johnny stirred against him and he pushed it back inside his pocket, sat there, longing for a picture of Aaron.

“Hear that.” Johnny mumbled, sitting up and then hitting Robert on the knee. “Sounds like…” His eyes widened and then suddenly he was staring up towards the sky, towards a plane and –

“DUCK AND FUCKIN’ COVER!”

The plane whizzed by, dropping pellets onto the ground and making them all huddle together in a mad frenzy of panic, it was restlessness and soon Robert could hear the familiar sound of screams and cries from the boys nearby him. He could see Jimbo, raising a gun towards them, being almost foolishly brave and valiant for no good reason and then suddenly he was being shoved back down by Barnes and the others, being called a tosser.

“Contact, Sarge, Contact.” Robert was aware of the drill, of what to say when an attack was taking place and it filled his lungs with pain as he heard the sound of more and more pellets being dropped.

“Private Sugden, Barnes, Madden, flatter, flatter on your backs lads – we'll have to wait these bastards out.” Sergeant Hastings was bent down too, his weight crushing into Bones who seems horrified by the constant sound of pellets, missing and dodging and losing aim completely.

It stopped, the planes moved past and Johnny was the first to raise his head again, in some sort of dazed confusion he began kissing at a chain around his neck and then suddenly he was crying. It made them all turn around to him in complete shock, watching Johnny rock back and forth, Robert came to the terrible conclusion that he was in fact being lost to the war already, Johnny was going mad, even before Bones.

Johnny stayed like that for a long time, he was completely still, silent, until ordered to raise a gun and shoot. He could still do that, he was still useful like that, but Robert saw how vacant his eyes had become and his heart went out to him. He hated how he thought of Andy in those moments, when he was buried in mud and had it smeared across his face too, he wondered how he was, if he was safe, if he was dead. It was a constant thought, made his thoughts about Aaron settle a little because – at least his Aaron was safe. At least.

They were stationed in the woods next, it made Robert feel an almost false sense of security as he looked up at how tall the trees were, how covered they were and he honestly believed they would be okay.

“Fuck, look what me mam sent us.” Harry’s was animated again, eyes falling on the small bar of chocolate which managed to make everyone stare in complete awe.

“Shit.” Bones muttered, head lolling back in the pit of ground they found themselves in. “They must all be on rationing now right?” He said, didn't stutter once, he'd got better, braver.

Jimbo laughed at that, “And they say we've got it bad.” He said, rubbing a hand over his gun and then shaking his head as he saw Robert staring seemingly in to space. “Oi, farm boy…” The nickname had stuck and Robert hadn't minded agree a while. “Where's your package?” He wondered, an eyebrow raised.

It was horrible, eyes fell on him and he cleared his throat in embarrassment. He'd got nothing. “Uh - didn't get one.”

Jimbo sniffed, “No sweetheart sending ya love letters?” He asked, peering over and seeing the look on Harry’s face, punching his arm and making them all laugh.

“No.” Robert said, it hurt to say, ached actually.

Another battalion arrived, more soldiers, more weapons and yet it still happened. They were too relaxed, meeting the other boys, Robert's heart breaking just a little as he was introduced to boy called Andy.

“Yeah well, I'll marry her. When I get home I'll …”

A life, gone, just like that.

Robert gasped, Andy's blood splattered over his face and the boy laying flat on the mud with a shot to the head.

“Shit.” Robert shuddered, “CONTACT!” He shouted, saw the others begin to raise their guns in fear. Johnny was back, shaking of his nerves, the torment in his mind and he was shouting something about a sniper.

Sergeant Hastings pressed his back against one of the trees, his eyes darting around the woods and then he gulped. “Someone needs to break cover, you.” He pointed straight towards another one of the new battalion members. A short little thing, wide eyes. He wouldn't stand a chance.

“Sarge, it's suicide!” Robert blurted out, looking towards the others for some sort of support. “He'll never make it.” He hissed, head thumping like mad and the picture of Andy dead laying next to him haunting his mind.

“We need to find where it's coming from! It's an order.” Hastings boomed, looked straight towards the short lad who slowly began to walk forward, into the open.

Jimbo stood then, stopped the boy and cleared his throat. “I'll go.” He said, every inch of soldier as he nodded his head and began charging through the open space with speed, dodging a shot and then falling with a loud thud, straight onto the muddy ground.

There was an eerie sense of silence which felt almost like a blanket across the group and then suddenly Robert was on his feet, running towards Jimbo and feeling nothing but adrenaline surge through his veins as he attempted to drag Jimbo to his feet with difficulty. Then there was a shot, a sudden and relentless fire and then – there was another dead German laying flat on the floor of the woods.

Robert shuddered, turned Jimbo over and stared at him. “Is that another Nazi bastard dead?” Jimbo said, a small smile on his face.

Robert laughed, for the first time in days. “Yeah. It's another one down.” He said, then felt Jimbo slapping at his shoulder.

“He could have killed me.” Jimbo said, voice suddenly small, as if he was frightful and then he winced, realised that he had a gash on his face and that it was bleeding. “Cheers.” He added and it felt as though Robert had somehow earned his respect.

He was a hero apparently, that's what they all said that night, around another fire. He'd been offered cigarettes and smoked three, thought of what Aaron might have to say about it if he knew, he'd probably be impressed and then tell Robert to stop before his lungs give out.

That night was the first night Robert found himself cautiously smiling despite the death which lingered all around them and the fact that Johnny had shrunk back into himself yet again. They were transported to a sort of army ground, away from the dense forest and towards what seemed like some sort of civilisation.

They weren't wrong, the small settlement seemed to be a sort of pit stop for soldiers, a place where the dead soldiers are bought, where the wounded were treated by the nurses.

The nurses, of course they were able to grab the lads attention completely. They all fawned after them, laughed as the saw their mates stare wide eyed at them as they disappeared into the small hut assigned for their practice.

“Jesus lads.” Jimbo was rubbing his hands together, the damage on his face was a long forgotten memory. “Wouldn't mind her giving me a second look over.” He added, felt Bones rib him one as he looked straight at one of the nurse’s with long black hair folded neatly into a bun.

“Oi, Rob,” Jimbo called, made Robert look up and pull his thoughts away from Andy, dead Andy, not – “This is Eden, Eden this is Private Sugden, saved my life today he did.”

Robert gulped hard and then stood so that he could admire her more. She had a soft smile, big brown eyes and mousy brown hair to match, she was beautiful. “Hello.” He said, suddenly found it hard to talk and then he was pushed into walking with her, walking round the small settlement and it was nice, _she_ was nice but – but she wasn't Aaron.

The moon was high in the sky, she pointed it out and all he could think about was being trapped in a memory of Aaron and his love for the moon, the way the moon was up for him too, the way they were almost connected by it somehow and it felt wrong when she held his hand, felt wrong when she called him a hero and attempted to kiss his cheek.

It felt wrong and he told her it does, he almost snapped at her and then he watched Harry shoot him this look, this scarily open and revealing look, almost as if he knew something about Robert as he heard his words. Eden seemed a little startled and walked back towards her grounds with the other nurses, head down in confusion which made Robert frown. He would have kissed her, he would have, if he didn't love Aaron, because he wasn't a homosexual, he liked – he liked both, he instantly felt greedy and awful and hated himself for his realisation.

“Oi!” Jimbo was smoking again, head titled to the side as Robert approached them gingerly. “You were well in there.” He slapped a hand down on his thigh and frowned, “Thought ya said ya didn't have a missus.”

Robert could feel Harry looking at him and then shook his head, “I don't.” He said, head bent, eyes focused on the ground as he wavered by the fire.

Jimbo scoffed, “Well what then?” He argued, confusion in his voice and then realisation. “You a poofta or summat?”

Bones laughed, actually laughed and then he saw the way Robert just stared at Jimbo, having decided that there wasn't a lot he could say. “Wait, what?” Bones said, suddenly confused by Robert's silence.

Harry stood up. “That's enough.” He said, shrugged his shoulders. “Leave him alone eh?”

Jimbo puffed his cigarette and then stood. “Why? You shagging him?” He said, suddenly hard and angry and Robert cleared his throat, felt the walls closing in.

“Don't be daft.” Robert whispered, didn't want Harry getting into trouble for this too. “I'm not - I'm not a…”

“Think you are mate.” Jimbo gulped, looked almost disgusted and then chucked his cigarette towards the floor before stamping on it. “Explains why you fobbed her off and ain't got no sweetheart doesn't it? And why you ain't got nothing from your family either, probably ashamed.”

Something snapped, something ugly and mean poured out of Robert and then he was landing a punch to Jimbo’s jaw and watching him stagger back as Johnny suddenly came alive and restrained Jimbo from doing any harm.

“No pansy belongs in my war.” Robert heard Jimbo say as he charged away from the group, left a horrible feeling travelling through them all. It was clear, Robert was the outsider.

“Don't listen to ‘em.” Harry whispered that night, Robert balancing on his elbows as they both kept watched. “Just a little … I don't know, not used to it.”

Robert raised an eyebrow, looked towards Harry and felt almost on edge just a little, unsure of what Harry would say next.

“My brother, he – he ended up doin’ himself in ‘cause of horrible talk about him liking our mate Sam.” Harry shook his head, “My brother’s dead because of talk like that, shame if you went the same way.” Robert was stunned by Harry's openness, the way he seemed to have sadness in his voice, it made Robert duck his head.

“I'm not – not a homosexual.” Robert whispered, gulping hard. “I just – I like both I suppose, I would have kissed Eden if it wasn't for …” He'd said too much, instantly had to look away.

“Go on.” Harry cleared his throat and then Robert moved his eyes towards Harry's again, felt like he was about to expose something so sacred and private.

“My best mate, Aaron.” Robert hadn't said his name, not once and instantly he felt tears begin to rise in his eyes. “He's brilliant, he's – me and him, we could have been happy, fuck what anyone thought.”

Harry's eyes flickered, “How comes you weren't?”

Robert shook his head, “Dad found out we – he found out about what we got up to and sent me here.” He looked at Harry. “To keep us apart.”

Harry frowned, “Shit.” He whispered before rubbing over his gun and clearing the mud away. “He not fighting?”

Robert blew out a breath, so thankful he wasn't. “No, didn't want him in the army.” Harry looked confused and Robert just shrugged, “Bit of a long story there, he's uh – his head is a bit messed up in here.” He added, pointed towards his head. “But I miss him, I miss him.”

Harry shoved Robert with his shoulder, “You'll be home soon, you’ll see him and I'll see my Molly.” He whispered, a smile on his face. “And this bloody war, it'll be forgotten.”

Robert hoped it was that easy, felt a surge of hope rip through him and then he sighed. “Sounds good.” He said, eyes filled with sorrow though and a hand running through his hair as he spoke.

“You okay after – after that Andy lad was shot?” Robert's face dropped at Harry’s words, they were able to make him almost shudder as a memory came into his head. “You seemed, dunno shocked or …” He raised a hand out like he was done speaking about it.

Robert kicked a rock nearby, sniffed and then looked at Harry. “My brother's called Andy.” He said, without even thinking. He hated how easy it was to say, how natural it was to call Andy his brother and not think any less even after what happened, ever after what he had discovered. “And he's out here somewhere.” He added, saw the way Harry looked at him.

“Oh.” Harry said, couldn't think of anything else meaningful to say. “Well – listen mate, like I said, it'll be over soon, just gotta hope for better days.”

Better days.

They didn't come, not really.

Death came, it came quickly and brutally and then it left again. It took a few new recruits, a boy only a year older than Robert and then a bloke with three kids of his own, too old for all this. He had good stories, the best ones about the Great War but then he was gone and any sense of joy was too.

What remained was torment for Robert, for the odd one out, for the one who didn't get any letters or pots of jam from his loved ones. He learnt to live with it, learnt that he was alone in the world and that was okay, that was almost expected considering what he had done, considering the fact that he had fallen in love with a boy.

Robert was shaken by the weight of Jimbo pressed against him, his dirty laugh and muddy hands purposely falling over Robert. It had been like that since that night and Robert hated himself, hated Jimbo for it even more, for the looks, for the slurs and then isolation all because he hadn't jumped at the chance of denying his little secret.

It made him want to run away, made him want to run all the way to Australia and he laid awake for days thinking about the possibility of such an expedition. He had it all planned out in his head, he'd go back to England, to Yorkshire and he'd pick up Aaron, Liv and Vic and they'd all go together, piggy banks the whole way there he thought if he gave himself long enough to dream.

It was always cut off though, usually by the sound of something or the sudden movement of Johnny who got into the habit of resting on his shoulder and doing nothing else until ordered to.

Robert looked ahead, the camp they were based at was practically deserted and then out of nowhere there were new soldiers coming towards them. On instinct Robert watched as Bones and Harry pointed their guns towards the approaching men who looked more than worse for ware. Almost all of them were bleeding from somewhere and then that's when Robert looked closer and felt his heart fall as he watched three soldiers be dragged on makeshift stretchers towards the nursing hut.

“Fuck me.” Harry shuddered, eyes falling on the state of the three men who were wriggling around in agony and holding their faces in pain.

Robert stood, watching as more and more soldiers came towards them, his cap falling as he suddenly recognised as familiar face. It was Ross Barton and he was limping towards him, trying to smirk like he wasn't in agonising pain.

“Sugden.” Ross tilted his head, tried to still front out his obvious pain with a fake smile and then Robert was rolling his eyes, firm hands pulling Ross down onto the log and looking at the state of his leg.

“Easy.” Ross hissed, his pain becoming too much to bare as he watched Robert try and peel away the bottom of trousers and see how bad it actually was.

Robert gulped hard, swelling and sores filled the bottom of Ross’ right leg and frizzled down to the bone making bile rise in Robert's throat. “How the fuck did this happen?” He asked as he heard the moans escaping the mouths of the injured before they were being pulled into the small hut, away from view.

Ross leaned closer, “Overheard bomb, out of fuckin’ nowhere.” He said, wincing as a nurse suddenly came towards him and began bandaging his leg rather roughly. “Least I’ve still got my legs though.” He said, voice almost tense as he peered over at the blood stained stretchers and then visibly shuddered.

It threw Robert, made him dart his eyes away because it was too much to think about. Whatever had happened clearly broke something inside Ross, the cocky arrogant part of him which made up so much of him was almost obliterated.

Ross stayed for a while, stayed long enough to deliver such a blow which made everything change.

“Suppose you've heard about it,” Ross said, hand rubbing up and down his sore leg and staring at Robert who quite clearly hadn't a clue. “About the plane? The plane that crashed in the village?”

Everything stopped, Robert felt his lungs give out and he suddenly stared wide eyed at Ross in complete disbelief. “What, what do you mean?”

Ross looked up, eyes red raw and almost haunting. “Emmerdale. A plane crashed right bam in the middle of the village and the bloke wasn't from here let's just say.” Robert's eyes widened, a German, an enemy had crashed landed in the sleepy village. “Finn wrote us, said that Bob was hurt real bad and so was that Aaron kid, doubt he made it by the sound of it.”

Robert felt everything inside him almost die, the words Ross was speaking seemed to fade away into almost nothing. Aaron was hurt, a plane had crashed down and he'd been in the way. Aaron had watched it fall, fell to his knees and tried to brace himself as the impact hit him - that's what Robert told himself, just because he wanted to hurt in any way possible.

“You were mates innit?” Ross said, he was so blind, couldn't see how Robert was barely keeping it together as he sat there with him and thought about how heavy his heart had been recently. He had a faint dream the night before, he had dream that Aaron was holding his hand and then he let go, it made sense suddenly he thought. Aaron was letting go because Aaron had gone away, Aaron had died. There was no other explanation for it was there? “Oi, Sugden?” Ross said, irritated and not a fan of being ignored.

“Yeah, uh – yeah we were. A bit, not a lot mind, he just used to work on the farm.” Robert lied, felt sick for denying how close they were, how whole Aaron made him feel whenever they were together.

Ross cleared his throat, winced a little as he tried to move his still injured. “Kept thinkin’ about Finn, he's only young.” He said steadily and Robert thought about the lad for a second, a geeky thing with square glasses and his head in a book. “You think all the people you care about out safe back there don't ya? Don't think they'd be in more danger than here.” He seemed angry as he spoke and Robert didn't know what exactly about but he just nodded and then slopped off and was sick in the middle of the forrest, completely on his own.

Aaron was dead. He was. He'd been killed in a plane crash which hit the village and he was at peace now. He would never have to go through this amount of pain and suffering, he'd never hold a gun and shoot to kill and feel traumatised for days after.

It should have been comforting but it wasn't. Instead Robert found himself seeking solace in alcohol as the soldiers clapped their hands and sang songs about packing up their troubles and smiling. Robert didn't even know how they were given the beer but he drank it regardless, he drank until there was nothing left and his head ached. He drank enough, that's what he thought as he sat opposite Jimbo and hide himself away from everyone, in vain.

“You still a fuckin’ pansy then?” Jimbo joked, malice in his tone as he saw Robert sitting alone, staring at Eden who was caring for a young soldier and trying her best not to smile at him.

Robert looked towards Jimbo, a haziness coming over him, “Never was one.” He said, not lying because he knew he wasn't like Aaron. He knew Aaron didn't undress girls with his eyes and wonder what it would be like to kiss them over and over again. Robert did though.

Jimbo shook his head, “Yeah you are.” He laughed, then looked at Eden. “You'd be all over her if you weren't.”

Robert suddenly stood, adrenaline running through his veins and only the thought of Aaron gone on his mind. Aaron had left him, he had, he knew that, he felt that so – so he wouldn't be betraying him by making life easier for himself and snogging the face of the girl.

Before he knew it he was kissing her and she was actually letting him and then the boys were cheering. All of them apart from Harry who just kept shaking his head and poking at the fire because he knew that Robert was hurting more than anything else.

Eden was eager, Eden kissed him, pulled at his uniform and Robert let her. It didn't take long until they were having sex, hidden away in her nurse’s room and Robert found an odd sense of comfort in the way she held him afterwards.

Then he felt sick with guilt and all he could see was Aaron laying dead somewhere, laying dead with his eyes closed, bleeding from the head.

“Robert?” Eden had a hand on Robert's shoulder, gently stroking him softly.

Robert couldn't feel anything from her, she was laying naked beside him with only a cover over her body and yet he felt not one tingle from her. With Aaron, he'd felt on fire as they laid there together and kissed, touched each other and almost melted with love. This time, it hadn't been nearly as amazing, it hadn't made him want to explode with want, it had to been fine. It had been … nice until Aaron was the only person back on his mind.

“I think my best friend is dead. He is, I know it.” Robert blurted out, felt suddenly able to talk to Eden who was staring at him with her beautiful eyes but then he felt awful, he should have been kissing her head or touching her breasts or something, not talking about Aaron.

“I'm awfully sorry.” She said, and it sounded like she actually was as she looked at Robert and then felt his body stiffen, “I think you should go now.” She added sadly.

Robert frowned, turned to face her. “You want me to go?” Another one, someone else wanted him gone.  
“I need you.” He didn’t, he really didn’t but she was just laying there and she was so beautiful and he had no one else left in the world.

Eden gently caressed Robert’s face. “I don't think you need me.” She said slowly, “I just think you need _someone_.”

Robert knew it was true, kissed her as he left and then felt this crushing weight hit him over and over again as he made his way towards the camp again. Harry was there, he was shaking his head in disappointment and shame and Robert had to look away.

“Back off Harry.” Robert snarled, nasty and mean because he had to be like that, the world was cruel and brutal and he was reminded every single second of every single day.

Harry followed him, pulling at his shoulders. “You can't use people like that.” He argued, head pointed towards the Eden’s shack. “What about …”

Robert turned round, tears welling in his eyes. “There was an accident, in my village, he's dead.”

Harry's eyes widened, mouth opening in shock because he knew who Robert was talking about. He didn't even need to hear his name.

“He was hurt, and I – I feel it. He's gone Harry, he's dead.” Robert felt his heart almost break again as he spoke, he couldn't think of anything else other than the pain he felt, other than the fact that this was the worse karma delivered to him. He'd left Aaron, he'd left him when he went to war, and now Aaron's left him. But in the worse possible way.

Harry felt Robert fall into him and then suddenly he was pulling away, he was shaking at Robert's arms and then reaching into his pocket. “Mate, mate here. It might – you don't know for certain, he could be alive.” He pulled out a letter, brown and folded and crumpled but Robert was in awe of it. It was addressed to him.

No one else would write to him, no one else.

Robert held the letter in his hands as they shook. “When – when did this come?” He asked, biting his lip as his eyes began to fill with tears.

“When you were … busy with that lass.” Harry cleared his throat, watched Robert's face distort with guilt and misery because Aaron could have been alive and he'd just - he'd slept with someone else.

Robert shook his head, “What have I done?” He asked, his eyes shutting hard and not wanting to open again.

Harry stepped forward, patted Robert on the shoulder and then sighed. “You tried to cope.” He explained, “Don't beat yourself up about it.”

Robert blinked quickly, thought about how it felt to have Aaron's hands over his body, how calming and soft it felt to be his. He wanted that back, so desperately and he hated how Aaron was suddenly not the last person he was intimate with.

“Go read that, see if it's him.” Harry whispered, “I'll ask Bones to be on look out with me.” He said, a small smile on his face.

Robert tried to smile, found he couldn't. “What if – if this just confirms he's dead?” He couldn't bare that, not for one second.

Harry sighed, looked troubled. “Well at least you'll know.” He said sadly.

Robert nodded, disappeared out of view with his gun to his side. He sat on a small log, velvet sky above him as his hands unpeeled the letter and then he gasped.

_Dear Robert,_

_I'm sorry for not sending you this sooner, I'm sorry but it was too hard, still is too hard, to write to the person you love and know they may not have the chance to write back._

_There's nothing I can say that will bring you back to my arms but know I wish for it every night. I long for you near me, I long for you to hold me and tell me that soon we shall be going to Australia and leaving this sorry world behind us._

_I miss you, just writing this down is paining what's left of my heart without you, I miss you more than words can ever say. I cannot describe the pain, the misery, the fear I feel because you're so far away and you could be taken from me forever at any point._

_I cannot bare to entertain myself with such horrid thoughts because it makes me cry too much, so I tell myself that you're safe and you're keeping your head down and you'll come back to me soon. I say it until it's almost real and I think you'll come through the Woolpack and hug me, never let me ago again._

_I must tell you something dreadful, something I wish I didn't have to. The village was hit by an enemy plane, I wasn't sparred and there was fear I'd die for a few days. I woke however, after days of dreaming of you and now I am better. I promise you I am. My days were not wasted though, being nursed back to health by mum, all the women in the village are becoming nurses and I have learnt a thing or two._

_The village is quiet without you, too quiet. Liv misses you terribly, so does Vic. They miss you and speak of you all the time but I cannot bare to do the same. My thoughts of you are left for the night, when the moon is up and I know that you are looking at the exact same one._

_I hope there's one in the sky when this reaches you, if there is, know I am looking at it too and thinking only of you._

_All my love, for now and forever,_

_A_

Robert felt himself collapse onto the floor, breaking out in ugly pathetic sobs and then running hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down.

He read it three more times, relief washing through him as he thought about Aaron being safe and then misery hit him when he read over the fact that Liv and Vic missed him.

Suddenly he simply wanted to see the rolling hills of Emmerdale, run through the fields holding Aaron's hand and laughing wildly. He wanted to be with the people he loved, he just wanted to be away from the noise and the pain and the death. If only it was that simple.

 

  
\--

 

 

Robert looks like he's in pain as he sits there and soaks in the letter which is plastered on a cream coloured sheet of paper.

Aaron's said the words twice, feels himself almost break as he remembers writing it, light nearly fading as his hands shook and he found himself finding the strength to communicate with his lover after so long. He was always terrible with words yet it all seemed to pour out.

“It's dreadful.” Robert knows, shakes his head as he speaks. “Those poor boys,” he chews his lip like he's a child. “Didn't think that Dingle would actually write to him though, that was a shock.”

Aaron's eyes flutter, he wonders if it is really an insight into how shocked Robert was by receiving the letter and he doesn't know if that's good or not. “He thought about him every single day. Every day.” Aaron tilts his head. “And he loved him even more when he was away.”

 

 

\--

 

 

Aaron was depressed, it was the only real word for it considering he spent his days in bed, crying, feeling sorry for himself and panicking about the thought of Robert coming back in a body bag. He spent hours in fear and then it turned into anger and hatred for Jack.

He nearly set one of the barns on fire, he nearly did and then he thought of Sarah and Robert and he felt guilty for even entertaining the thought. He settled on messing with one of the machines, one that hadn't been dismantled for the war effort yet, he grinned as the parts fell away, thought of Robert clapping his hands about in glee because his father deserved it.

He didn't bank on being grabbed by Jack, shoved against a wall and shouted out for a few minutes, until he could find the strength to pull the man away from him.

“You deserve a lot more.” Aaron growled, felt like he was finally able to let all his rage and torment out as he slammed a hand against Jack’s chest, “You - you've sent him to death, you took him away from –“

“What, you?” Jack scoffed, “Please. I saved him from you, made him see sense.”

“He didn't want to ‘see sense’, he just wanted to be with me and be happy and you ruined that.” Aaron didn't want to cry but then he broke.

“He did that, when he started touching the likes of you, when he chose –“

“He didn't _choose_ , he didn't get a choice, no one does.” Aaron screamed, the space between them growing smaller. “He just loved me and you couldn't bare it. Now he's going to die, you've murdered your own boy haven't you?”

The words burned.

Jack looked horrified, felt sick. “Get. Off. My. Land.” He ordered and Aaron ran as fast as he could.

He ran until he was home again and he was holding Liv close and reassuring her that everything was going to be fine in the end.

He knew it wasn't going to be like that. He knew misery was coming, he felt it.

That's why he wasn't surprised when he found himself face down in the middle of the village, rubble and soot travelling fast around him as he tried to catch his breath. He thought he was dying as he felt his eyes close, the last person he thought of was him, Robert Sugden.

He was woken by the sound of his mother squeezing down a cold flannel on his head and telling Liv to go and get some more water for her brother. He'd been in and out of consciousness for days apparently, talking nonsense about Robert and asking for him.

“Mum?” Aaron croaked out, head woozy as he tried to sit up and look at his mother properly. “Is Robert okay?” He slurred, felt sick because he'd had a dream, a terrible one where he had died and Robert had come back to nothing and broke down in tears. “He needs to know I'm alive.” It was like a burning passion charged through him. “I need to write to him.”

Chas kissed his head, looked saddened by the way her son still felt about the Sugden lad and then she nodded.  
“Okay love, just – you get some more rest and then you can okay?”

Aaron nodded, eyes rolling back a little and then he's falling back into a sleep.

He sent the letter four agonising days later, felt like he couldn’t breathe as he looked over the road and saw Victoria playing on the swings with Jack nearby. He suddenly wondered how many times Jack had written to his boys, both of them and he knew it wouldn't have been with equal measure.

Victoria sighted Aaron and he was quick to pull the letter behind her back, not excite her in any way.

“Aaron! Aaron!” Victoria raced over to him and he caught her in his arms, tucking the letter into his pocket. “Daddy said that Andy and Robert won't have to fight for a long long time.” Her face was filled with optimism and he wanted to feel like that too. He couldn't though, not when they'd been another strike on the village and he'd almost died.

Aaron went to reply and then felt Jack approach them, call for Victoria to carry on playing as he stood and stared hard at the young lad.

“Don't speak to my daughter, don't look at her.” Jack said, eyes hard as he looked up and down Aaron. It made the boy want to hide, he was wearing an old blouse, his usual braces and some tattered grey trousers, he felt unworthy of Robert when he dressed like that, felt poor and dirty and then Jack would look at him and think exactly the same.

He was gone before Aaron had the chance to reply, he was left with the letter burning in his pocket, the letter which took hours to write because of his tears. He suddenly came to the conclusion that there was no point sending it, that Robert wouldn’t receive and despite the secrecy behind the way he signed it, anyone could find out who it was about.

His palms began to sweat and he felt sick, but then he had the picture of Robert despairing over the plane crash in the village, thinking that he had died, so he sent it and he waited and waited for a reply until he came to the tragic realisation that he wouldn't be getting one.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron fights a pain shooting through him and sighs as Robert looks at him all wide eyed and sad.

“Did he not write back?” Robert asks, gulping hard.

Aaron bites his lip, “Could never find the words.” He thinks back to the heartache he felt over Robert back then, how awful it had been to think that he had poured his heart out and get never had a reply. “It was hard for him.” He'd grown to realise that once the pain began to settle in his chest.

Robert frowns, hair against his forehead and fingers dancing on his lap. “I hope they were okay.” He says softly and Aaron's overwhelmed by how innocent his Robert is now.

Aaron opens the book again, onto a new page and there's a tattered piece of sheet stapled to the page which he smiles at. “Now,” he clears his throat. “Two months went by.” He says and Robert looks alarmed. “Two whole months before things changed.”

Robert ached. There was a constant drilling in his ears and it droned on throughout the next month. It persisted as Robert watched Bones become thirsty for blood, as he grew bigger, as his nickname became almost ironic. It persisted as Jimbo called him names, made his life a living misery as they fought off forces and barely made it out alive. Everyone had forgotten about his night with Eden, like it didn’t matter.

It was Jimbo’s fault, why Robert never managed to send a letter back to Aaron and tell him how much he loved him, still.

Robert’s face was covered with mud when it happened, he was laying down across Harry and was listening to him chatter on about his sweetheart, about how special she was. They were stared at often, especially by Jimbo who was convinced they were ‘swapping more than stories’ and Robert felt guilty about it but he needed a mate.

Robert’s eyes fluttered shut, he felt as if he was travelling back in time and suddenly Aaron was walking towards him as they stood in the field, crops climbing further towards them as the sun shone down. Suddenly Aaron’s eyes widened and his arms were frantically waving about as if he was trying hard to get Robert’s attention.

“Rob! Robert wake up, get up!” Aaron was screaming, running faster, ducking his head and suddenly the sky turned grey and cloudy and there was the sound of groaning and –

Harry was above him, he was shaking and there were streams of tears running down his face and suddenly there was a layer of thick green smoke circling around them both.

Robert’s mouth hung open in shock before it hit him hard, whistles were being blown and a panic ran through the camp at an inexorable speed as there was a clamber for gas masks.

“GAS – GAS!!!” Harry stopped shouting, suddenly being dragged away and forced into a gas mask by Bones who knew exactly what to do, he was pulling it on with ease and signalling for Johnny to get his act together and help himself.

Robert was seeing it all, seeing bodies crash towards the floor in a heap and soldiers cry out in pain and he was just laying there, broken on the floor, more and more gas filling his lungs, stinging his eyes and making him feel like he going to die any second.

His head fell back against the dirt, eyes shutting, failing to reopen as he saw Aaron again, he liked it, he loved being so close to him because it had been too long and things had changed and they’d become older and he just wanted to see him again. He could see him, he thought as the pain began to ease and he was reaching out for Aaron’s hand and –

There was hand on his, there was a mask over his face and he was breathing again, he was trying to stand and then collapsing down on the dirt again. He was thinking of only one person, thinking of only Aaron.

Robert twitched a toe, then another and suddenly realised he was actually alive. It was startling. The feel of the wooden plank beneath him made him moan out in pain suddenly despite him having difficulty hearing himself. Robert gulped, steadily raising a hand and blinking back the darkness, once, twice and then discovering a sheet over his eyes which was laced with something wet. He flinched as he attempted to grab hold of it and then felt this need to pull away and have his arms beside him, as if something was telling him not to touch.

A clatter of medical instruments made Robert shiver senseless and then he felt the faint sound of feet approaching him. A nurse maybe. Or a solider inspecting his state, maybe it was Harry, maybe it was –

“Oh my God.” It was muffled, he could hardly hear but he was trying to, he really was. “Let me through, I need to help him.”

Robert froze, head hammering over and over as he strained to listen, as he battled with his injuries and the way everything was fuzzy around him. For a second he thought he was hearing Eden, a high pitched voice ringing through his ears, it would mean something, to have someone he knew there to stop him from wanting to cry.

“Let me help this one, I – please let me –“

Something suddenly flipped in Robert’s stomach and he felt like he was going to be sick, he felt like he was falling and then crashing and he was in a dream, he was trapped in this wonderland where he could hear *his voice and he was real and –

It took a single touch, a finger placed on his forehead and everything inside him somehow melted away. He was almost floating on a cloud and feeling something light travel through him.

Because it wasn’t just anyone touching his forehead.

It was his best mate wasn’t it? It was Aaron and he could tell without even looking, without even hearing him.

“Aaron?” It was shaky and raw and practically lifeless but then –

Aaron practically fell to his knees, teeth chattering and chin wobbling as he pulled himself closer towards Robert and tried to fathom if any of this was real, if Robert was really laying in front of him, alive.

Aaron’s shaky hands began to reach out and remove the bandage laced around Robert’s eyes, pulling it back slowly and being met with the face of not a boy, a man. Robert Sugden.

He had changed, his eyes were raw and blood shot and his hair was flat against his forehead. He had a scar running down the side of his face which appeared deep and there were mud stains practically grounded into his face but he was still beautiful.

He was still the same person who ran naked in the rain with Aaron when they were young.

“Aaron?” Robert whispered again, eyes blinking open properly and hitching a breath as his vision, blurry and still practically useless, was able to see blue eyes and a worried smile and tears and tears and tears falling.

“You’re okay, you’re fine.” Aaron came closer, furiously wiped a flannel over Robert’s face and darted his eyes around the room, desperate not to draw attention to them and this moment. “You’re going to be fine, you’re lucky.” He whispered, running at his own face and trying not to break down again.

Robert’s eyes widened, panic setting in because it was all a dream wasn’t it? “Is this a dream? Are you dead? Oh God Aaron –“

Aaron wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him close and forget the world around them, he wanted to tend to his injuries and never let him go.

“We’re safe and alive Rob.” Aaron whispered, coming closer and frantically attempting to pick up the flannel again, hold it towards Robert’s forehead.

Robert’s eyes rolled back and he head a wave of something travel through him. “Will you be here when I –“

It was sudden, the way Aaron’s hand was in his, it was sudden and pure and Robert could breathe. His lungs were knackered, his vision blurred and yet he could breathe and he could dream again, dream of only happy thoughts.

When he came round again Robert’s eyes flickered up and he caught sight of a soldier laying in the bed opposite him, he struggled to see him and then stopped altogether as the weight of his body became too much to bare.

His chest tightened at the sight of Eden, she was taller, hair shorter and eyes filled with this sense of misery which he knew was reflected in his own eyes. She was coming towards him, worried, almost panicked and Robert gulped as he tried to make out her shape as she held his hand.

“You okay?” Her voice was high, as if she had been crying or something and Robert attempted to nod before he was thinking of only one person again. “A bloke, a – a man, Aaron.” He couldn’t say anything properly but she seemed to understand.

“Our resident male nurse?” It confused her, he could tell but he didn’t care.

Robert nodded again. “Is he here?”

“He’s very busy, I’ll tell him you called for him.” Eden blinked once, then twice and then she flicked her hair. “Plenty of fluids.” She whispered before passing him a glass of water and watching him struggle.

Robert shuddered, eyeing the bed around them, the _damage_ done. “How are the others, do you know?”

Eden went to speak, mouth open and then there was Jimbo standing there, barely. He had an arm in his sling and a cut above his eye, a green substance around his ears which Robert himself had, it was almost like a sign that he’d survived it. Like he’d made it out alive or something.

“Alright Sugden?” There was something in Jimbo’s eyes, he was almost hollow. It seemed like someone had butchered him, cut out his insides and fed them to a pack of wolves.

Robert was startled into a nod. “Been better.”

Jimbo slowly crossed over to Robert and sat by him, a him of groaning circulating the room and making them both wince. “Bones and – Madden they’re here but –“ Robert watched as Jimbo dropped her head. “Johnny – he had a fit, a panic attack, he couldn’t put it on in time Rob.”

Robert felt something give way in his heart, it felt like he had just been hit with a blunt instrument. “No.” He pushed out and then Jimbo nodded his head.

“He’s dead.”

There was a chill which raced through his body suddenly and he kicked his leg against the rail in frustration.

A few minutes went by, neither of them could speak, both haunted by memories of their pal, their mate who had fallen too early.

“I’m sorry.” Jimbo said, looking almost like a little boy as he ducked his head.

Robert frowned. “Why are ya being nice to me?” He shivered, the air becoming too thick between them suddenly as Robert thought about Aaron and how different Jimbo would be if he had seen how they embraced earlier. He’d probably be smothering him with a pillow right about now, he thought quietly to himself.

Jimbo looked at him like it was obvious. “A mate’s just died.” He said, kicked the bed a little.

“You hate me, what you think I am.” Robert gulped hard, felt queasy. “So why are you standing here and –“

“Thought I’d see if what I did paid off.” Jimbo said, almost sheepishly, lacking the bravado he once had and running a hand through his messy black hair. Robert frowned, confused by what he meant. “Who the fuck do you think gave ya the mask in time?” He spat, clearly trying to be cruel and distant but it didn’t meet his eyes. Not for a second.

Robert’s heart swelled and he felt like he couldn’t say anything that would be enough to express his gratitude. “Jimbo, I can’t thank –“

“So don’t.” Jimbo shrugged before he disappeared and left Robert feeling like he wasn’t hated as much as he had thought.

Robert watched as a soldier was carried in, blood staining his uniform as he wriggled and practically begged to be killed.

“Don’t look.” Robert heard and suddenly Aaron was in front of him, soft blue eyes falling on his face. He could see him clearer now, he could see that he was wearing a white sheet around his waist and was trying to keep Robert away from the madness that was going on. Everything in Aaron screamed ‘protect, protect, protect’ and Robert would be eternally grateful.

Robert let Aaron give him an injection, one that was supposed to help with his vision. He let him come close and then he leaned forward and tried to kiss Aaron’s cheek.

“Not in here.” Aaron whispered, “Not now.” He blushed and Robert understood, backed himself away and sighed. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” Aaron mumbled, wanting to hold Robert’s face and kiss him.

Robert gulped. “I thought I’d never see you again.” He whispered and then shivered. “I still don’t think this is real,” he eyed Aaron again, it was still hazy but he could make out his eyes and his jaw and it was enough. “You, stood here, a nurse?”

Aaron chuckled and thought back to how he got there, the training, the late nights, the running away from home and being dragged back. “I just wanted to find you.” He whispered, “Where you go, I go.” He added, all childish and naïve and enough to make Robert’s insides melt at the line and its sentiment.

Robert’s mouth practically fell open and his eyes fluttered. “How did they let you in?” He decided to ask, minutes later.

Aaron shrugged. “They needed more help, I came willingly, said they wouldn’t let me fight but I could save lives instead.” He whispered, thought back to all those lives he hadn’t been able to save, all the blood. It would probably never leave him.

“My hero.” Robert whispered back, watched as Jimbo walked past and made him tense a little. He couldn’t stop himself as Jimbo’s eyes fell on them, on how close they were, hands nearly touching.

“Don’t worry. They’ll be bored soon.” Aaron said, maybe too hopeful before another nurse was calling for him. “Back in a second.” He promised, feet firmly on the ground for minutes because he didn’t want to leave. Robert nodded his head, prompting him to go and found a sense of ease race through him as he watched his Aaron helping the other wounded soldiers.

A few more hours seemed to flutter by, more soldiers were hurled in as they cried out in pain and began to pray. Robert watched in horror until Harry was beside him, a hand on his shoulder and telling him that they were both alive and that’s all that mattered now. Robert wanted to weakly smile back, he wanted to hug his mate and cry over Johnny but there wasn’t time for that. There was only ever time to say sorry and regret and then – move on.

Robert stared hazily at the glowing light in the room, amber and flickering and illuminating the room. It pained him to realise he could not see properly, and soon panic set in as he thought he would become blind. The gas, the smell, the colour, how overwhelming it was. It killed Johnny. It killed a good soldier.

There was a sound of something clattering near Robert and he flinched, only to be met with the face of Aaron above him. It was the middle of the night maybe, Robert could just about see the whiteness of the moon outside as Aaron dared to sit himself down on the bed and look around towards the others.

“We shouldn’t worry, they are have some sedatives, knocks ‘em right out it does.” Aaron spoke gently, coming a little closer towards Robert. “It’s going to be okay.” He insisted. “Because now, you’re safe.” It’s all that mattered, nothing else, not really.

Robert gulped, stunned still that Aaron was here. “It still doesn’t feel like it’s real, you, being here.” He whispered, a hand coming up and stroking Aaron’s face lovingly. “I convinced myself that I’d never see you again.” He had their goodbye on repeat in his mind and he had no way of shutting it off as he began to cry. “Jesus Aaron you’re family need ya.” He suddenly thought of Liv and felt himself crumble.

Aaron winced, eyes over pouring with tears and a face which was tainted with absolute misery for a few seconds before it faded. “They couldn’t stop me.” He argued, shrugging his shoulders and remembering just how badly his mother had tried. “I had to do this, I had to …”

“You risked everything.” Robert blurted out, unable to control himself.

Aaron bit down on his lip. “You didn’t write back.” His voice was small, almost hollow. “I convinced myself you were hauled up somewhere, that you couldn’t use your hands, couldn’t speak and – I wanted to take care of ya. That’s all I wanted to do.” Robert was startled by how grown up Aaron seemed in front of him, he wasn’t just a young boy with his problems anymore.

Robert had to look away, felt himself cry a little. “I hate myself, for not writing, I couldn’t do it Aaron I’m sorry. If I had known you’d risk it all for me …”

Aaron grabbed Robert’s head and pressed it towards his chest, kissing Robert’s chest and stroking his hair. “I just wanted to be with ya, don’t hate yourself please.” He stroked over Robert’s arm and pulled back. “Don’t ruin it, just let me – let me hold ya.” His hands were so shaky but he managed to cling to Robert’s body.

He managed to until Robert’s eyes were fluttering shut and he knew he had to let go again.

He let go and watched Robert sleep. “Oh I love you mate, I really do.” He whispered, a hand so close to Robert’s until he was called away again.

Then he was back, standing over Robert’s bed and having to tell him something which pained his heart, yet filled it with joy at the same time.

“Sugden.” Aaron said slowly, a nurse standing close by. “There’s tests, we’ve done some tests and it seems like your vision is impaired because of the gas. So – that means,” Aaron had a ache in his chest. “It means that you’ll be sent home.”

Robert had his mouth open and it stayed like that, wide open in shock and disbelief and –

Aaron looked like he was in agony.

“Heading home? Isn’t that a good thing lad?” The nurse behind Aaron was round, looked hot and sweaty and was clearly older than both of them combined.

Robert couldn’t fathom the idea, he’d been away for three whole months. He felt like he didn’t have a proper home anymore, the only home he had was with Aaron. But Aaron wouldn’t be coming back with him would he?

“It is.” Aaron said, trying his hardest to break out into a smile, willing Robert to be happy.

Robert eyes became watery, the hazy vision of Aaron in front of him began to blur even more. “Yeah.” He choked out, had to rip his eyes away as Aaron dropped his head.

It took a few hours until Aaron was able to sit with Robert properly. Neither of them could think of anything worthwhile to say to each other, both almost numb to the news they had no control over.

“This is good.” Aaron pushed out, pretending to be writing something on a piece of paper as he spoke. “You’ll be safe, that’s _all_ I wanted.”

Robert gulped, wanted desperately to reach out and hold Aaron’s hand but something stopped him, something ached inside him and he couldn’t touch the boy he loved. “But you’ll be stuck here.” He whispered. “And I want be able to go on without ya, not again.”

Aaron’s eyes began to water and suddenly he stood, brushing at his face and letting out a shaky sigh. “Don’t make this harder than this needs to be.”

Robert’s mouth dropped on as Aaron turned away, he had said that to Aaron when he attempted to break things off before he left. It stung everywhere, prickled at his skin and made him want to cry but then Harry was wandering close, sitting where Aaron had just been.

“That’s him isn’t it?” Harry whispered before looking at Aaron warmly and scratching at his jaw. “He’s a _nurse_?” He asked, confused by it all.

Robert rolled his eyes and kept his gaze on Aaron who was tending to a new arrival. “It’s a long story.” He said before looking at Harry and noticing how blurred his vision made his mate. “Harry, they’re sending me home.”

Harry, dear Harry looked almost crushed by the news and looked away suddenly. A long time passed before he turned back and smiled at Robert. “That’s good.” He said, a weak sense of happiness in his voice which could easily be drowned out by the misery around them.

Robert shook his head and looked at Aaron again, saw the growth in his muscles and the way his hair had grown considerably. He had grown some sort of fuzz around his face, had become taller and stood almost proud. “He can’t come with me can he? He’s contracted to help, for Queen and country.” Harry’s face fell. “I can’t be with him.”

Robert found himself coming to a terrifying conclusion. “Maybe me and him are never meant to be together.”

 

\--

 

 

Robert had night sweats, a series of sudden and lasting nightmares where bombs were falling down on him and Johnny was crying out in pain. Aaron was there though, soothing him, fighting back tears as he gave Robert something for his nerves.

“Can’t go back on my own, can’t.” Aaron watched Robert wriggle on the flat sheets and begin to moan out as if he was in pain. “Go with me, me and you, we’ll run away to Australia.”

Aaron was stunned into a silence as he looked down at Robert who had his eyes wide open now and was waiting for an answer. One came quicker than it should have done.

“Yes.”

 

\--

 

 

They planned it, that’s what is awful about it all, they actually thought it was possible for long enough for their hearts to fill with joy.

“You leave, with the others who are injured. Tonight I’ll follow.” Aaron whispered as he sat Robert up and then hurried away again before they were spotted speaking so secretively.

Eden had noticed though, she’d seen and then she was becoming involved herself.

“You a friend of Sugden’s?” She asked, a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and spinning him round softly.

“Nah.” Aaron decided to lie, felt panic set in as he stood there and shuffled on his feet.

Eden frowned, a smile slowly beginning to fade on her face as she looked at Aaron. “Seems like you’re pretty close.”

Aaron squinted, felt his hair begin to curl as the sun shine through one of the windows, “Well, we’re not so …”

“I just wondered what he thought of me.” She was suddenly a young girl, stripped bare of her nurse uniform and her responsibility and was just merely a girl who looked – almost love sick? “Still.”

Aaron’s face fell just a little and he tried to settle something inside him. “Still?”

Eden blinked quickly and moved closer, “We – he slept with me two months ago and I haven’t heard anything from him since. Maybe he wants me to be there for him.”

It hit Aaron like a train travelling at ninety miles per hour, it made his heart feel like it was breaking over and over again and he couldn’t pick up the pieces, they were too far away. It was betrayal wasn’t it? Robert, his best mate, his love, had been away at war and still managed to have sex with someone else.

The rest of the conversation was lost, it died away as Aaron pulled away and found his feet moving towards the small truck outside where Robert was waiting by with the other injured soldiers.

“Hey you.” Robert mumbled softly, eyes falling on Aaron’s face and then feeling his heart restrict at the sight of a puffy face and hot tears. “Aaron?”

“How could ya?” Aaron despaired, couldn’t believe he had agree to run away with him, to abandon a job he loved for a cheat, for a –

“What have I done?” Robert blurted out, grateful for the distance between himself and the others. “Aaron tell me,” he pleaded as he tried to stand and felt light headed.

Aaron pinched his nose angrily and gritted his teeth. “Eden.”

The pieces fell together, Robert’s face almost faded and it turned as white as wan as he discovered the awful connection.

“I missed ya.” Robert said, scrambling for words. “And I – I thought ya were dead Aaron. I thought you had died.”

“And that makes it okay?” Aaron voice break so tragically that Robert had to look away.

“I’m sorry.” Robert whispered. “It meant nothing, honest. Please, just please don’t let this ruin what we have, we’re going to be happy Aaron.” He said it like it was a promise. If only.

Aaron somehow was able to take a step back and shook his head. “No. I’m not coming with ya.” He felt his heart give way. “I can’t follow ya.”

“Yes you can.” Robert insisted, finding strength to stand. “I love ya. I messed up but I love you Aaron. Please don’t make me go back on my own.” He felt hot tears prickle in his eyes, the thought of being trapped in that house, on that farm, without Aaron began to rot his insides.

Aaron blinked quickly, the clouds greying as they stood there. “I was going to risk everything _again_ for you. It’s always me, always me risking myself and all you do is break my fucking heart Rob.” He held his chest and scrunched up the tight white top he was wearing. This wasn’t Aaron, he was never this open or honest.

“I need ya, I love ya Aaron. Being away from you, it – it killed me. I can’t do it again, I can’t be without ya.” Robert was closer suddenly, trying his hardest not cry as rain began pouring down. “What if you die?” His voice cracked and Aaron inhaled sharply, attempted to mask how hard that was to hear.

“Goodbye Robert.” It was too final, it was too harsh, it was too much but Robert deserved it didn’t he? He was the one who break Aaron’s heart first.

So he was taken away, he was climbing into the truck and watching Aaron stand there holding back tears as his own chin wobbled and he told himself that he’d learn to stop loving altogether soon.

 


	5. PART V

 

The village was just the same, pretty flowers bloomed near the garden paths and Robert inhaled the smell of hay and manure which danced in the air.

It was all bittersweet, it was all twisted and rotten because he was home wasn't he? He was home and he was supposed to be relieved. Everyone else was.

Robert felt inside his pocket and grabbed the picture that Harry asked him to give to his sweetheart. He wanted Robert to meet her, wanted him to say exactly how it was like at war because letters were always vetted. He felt at the picture, smooth hands tracing the picture of Harry standing in his uniform, a smile on his face and head up straight.

He was meant to give it to his sweetheart, he hadn’t got the chance to in the end.

Robert didn’t realise he was standing so awkwardly in the middle of the village until Bob was gawping at him from across the road and waving a hand out as if he was greeting a long lost son or something. Robert should have found it strange, should have pulled a face but instead he was finding comfort in the way Bob embraced him, all tears in his eyes and everything. Bob kept saying that he’d grown, kept rubbing his shoulders and Robert had to force out a smile.

Maybe the village had changed since he left.

Robert found his feet dragging towards the pub, towards where Aaron used to be. For a second he thought it strange to be there without him, to want to sleep in his bed just to feel close to him but the feeling past as soon as he walked through the door and realised that it didn’t matter, he just needed to find a way to be with him.

Faces met his as the door swung and a bout of self consciousness flamed his insides as Chas eyed him up with surprise. He thought it possible that many of the villagers assumed he was dead, but there he was, standing in the flesh with a muddied face, cuts and bruises and an army uniform to put all the others to shame.

“Blimey.” Came a choked voice, it was Chas and she was gulping hard as Robert stood there.

It suddenly dawned on him, what he had done and what effect it had on Chas. He’d mindlessly slept with Eden, on a whim, without knowing what it would do, and that managed to ruin Aaron’s chances of standing with him and greeting his mother. Aaron would have come with him if he hadn’t –

“Where’s Aaron?” Chas whispered, the pub almost empty and the sound of war music droning on in an attempt to keep moral alive despite it crumbling by the second.

Robert blinked once, then twice and then he explained.

He felt the sting of her slap, heard the gasp from some local women and then he slopped away with the sound of her sobs ringing in his eyes.

He kept Aaron away, he kept her son in danger, her only son who risked his life for him.

The only way home was past the bridge where him and Aaron used to stand, it hurt crossing it, made everything tighten in his chest as he tried to battle past the memories. It was harder than he thought it would be. But then the rain poured, and all he could think about was that mad night in the rain when everything was soft and simple and they were happy.

His tears blurred his poor vision, made him stumble towards the soil and then panic set in. He was thinking about Johnny in the soil, Johnny struggling, Johnny dying, Johnny _dead_.

He stayed on the ground until the sun set, a hand picking at the remains of grass nestled firm into the soil. He’d managed to calm himself, thoughts of his mother and her pies and Aaron and his laugh had done the trick after a few minutes. Robert huffed out a sigh, gulping hard as he thought about what would happen if he ran away. Who would care?

For a minute, maybe more, he convinced himself he’d travel to Australia and be respected for fighting in the war. It made so much sense in his head until he was thinking about Vic who probably knew her brother was around somewhere now that he’d been spotted in the village. It would be cruel not to see her.

That’s the thought which drove him home in the end, Vic and her face and realising how big she’s got. He didn’t bank on what he found though, nothing could have prepared him for Katie sitting at the kitchen table where his mother used to sit, rubbing her stomach with Jack smiling at her and none other than Andy standing right behind her.

Turns out Andy got written to, turns out he was giving the news that Katie was expecting his son, turns out that he was ‘randomly’ shot in the leg the day after he found out, turns out they were suddenly engaged.

Robert stood in his own kitchen, just returned from war, and felt almost apologetic. As if he’d ruined a soft movement with a family he didn’t know and he should do the right thing by backing away before he said anything silly.

Andy’s mouth dropped open in shock and his eyes flickered towards their father, almost as though he had to check if it was okay to talk.

“Rob?” Andy gulped. “You’re back?”

Robert’s eyes harden, something shiny meeting his eye and then he was looking right at Katie. The last time they’d spoken properly she had her lips on him and she was in a state, now though she looked almost pristine. She had a red bow in her hair and a blue dusty dress on which just about grazed her knees, she couldn’t meet Robert’s eyes though, she hadn’t mastered that yet.

“I’m alive.” Robert settled to say, it said something completely different.

Jack was there suddenly, eyes dark as he looked at his own flesh and blood and kept his face exactly the same. He was hollow, almost vacant and even when he attempted to break out into something which would normally resemble a smile, it failed to meet his eyes.

“In one piece n’all.” Jack said, something squeezing in his voice and then dying.

“Where’s Vic?” It was all he cared about, all he wanted to care about because if he allowed himself to care about the coldness in the room then he’d go mad with misery.

Jack cleared his throat, gestured up the stairs and Robert’s feet ran all the way until she was screaming his name and falling into his arms and the waves stopped crashing in his mind for long enough.

Vic cried when he tried to leave her, so he stayed under the awkward roof. He stayed for her sake, no one else’s.

He stayed until he was thrown out.

He stayed until misery overwhelmed him and his heart blackened as he heard the reports about this need for more men, about odds stacked against us, rescue missions and flawed military tactics.

Katie was practically glowing on her wedding day, white flowing dress and flowers in hand. Everyone left in the village turned up for it, sad smiles painting their faces as the young couple exchanged vows and Robert sat at the back of the church feeling hollow.

He kept his mouth shut until Andy opened his. He was cornered after they left the church, felt Andy pull at his suit and try to smile. It was pathetic.

“Bet ya wish Aaron was here.” Maybe Andy didn’t mean it the way it sounded but that didn’t mean Robert’s heart could realise that time, no, it was crushed before anything could be done and he was feeling broken.

Suddenly Aaron was laying dead in the hospital hut, cuts on his faces and pain in his heart caused solely by Robert.

Andy put that pain there, he did it with his callous words and the way he said it with half a smile on his face.

“Say that again, I _dare_ ya.” He snarled back, edging closer and feeling woozy with anger. It was all pouring out of him, months and months of misery and despair and pain was rolling off his tongue as he stared at Andy. “You don’t get to say his name, he’s too good for that. You shouldn’t even get to be this _happy_ after what you did to mum.” He was shouting, he knew he was but he didn’t care all that much.

Lisa and Chas stood nearby, interest piqued as they heard the raised voice. Andy stepped forward and his face instantly darkened. “Lower your voice eh Rob.” He whispered, “Is it so hard for you to just be happy for me?”

“You _killed_ our mum.” Robert hissed, low enough for Lisa to have to step forward to attempt to make out. She couldn’t in the end, grew tired and went to find Belle as Chas stood there still. “You don’t get to be happy.”

“What like you? No real family, no mates, no Aaron …”

Something prickled in Robert’s chest and he wanted to sob.

“Me and Katie are married and happy and you just can’t hack it can ya? We both survived the most awful war and – you still can’t at least try and be happy.” Andy looked almost saddened as he studied Robert’s face. “What happened to ya?” Aaron happened, falling in love happened, realising he fancied blokes now too happened, Robert thought as he heard Andy. “I don’t even care anymore Rob, you made your choice, but I won’t have ya ruin what me and Katie have by constantly being negative and …”

“I think her snogging me the minute your back was turned ruined things mate?” It was old news, almost like it didn’t happen to him but it did. She had her face pressed against his and she was almost crying and they briefly kissed didn’t they? Then Aaron saw and they argued and a plane crashed down on the village hall with both of them inside.

It was said loud enough for Katie to here, it made the atmosphere crumble into this sorry mess and Jack was suddenly there, behind him, calling him evil and twisted and telling him where to go (or where not to go really) because he couldn’t even think about going back to the farm.

Because Katie cried and admitted it and Andy punched him square in the jaw and Robert spent the night by the bridge looking up at the moon and thinking about Aaron.

“Say ya forgive me? That you don’t, don’t hate me for what I did.” Robert shuddered, his shirt sticking to his arms because of the heat. “What if you’re dead?” He whispered towards the moon, hair brushed against his forehead. “I’d die if you were.” He knew he loved Aaron, but before this separation, he had no idea how much his whole life was being built around how close he could be wrong his best mate, his lover, whatever he was.

There was suddenly the sound of heels on the bridge and then Chas was coming towards him, tutting and pulling a blanket round him. “You must be freezing.” She whispered and then Robert’s chin was wobbling uncontrollably and he couldn’t help but break down in her arms because the raggedy old blue blanket smelt like Aaron and it was enough to make everything melt away.

Chas took him back to the pub, through the bar and up the stairs. She opened the door to Aaron’s room hesitantly and then looked at the young lad, just out of his teens, haunted by war and love sick over her son.

“You can have his bed.” Chas didn’t raise her head, just looked towards where her son used to sleep and felt something die in her heart. “For tonight.” She added, brushing past Robert and deciding not to take the blue blanket from him before she went.

He couldn’t sleep laying there, guilt dripping over his bones, making everything feel even worse as he remembered the last time he saw Aaron. He was sure that Aaron hated him, knew that he’d hurt the boy too many times despite only knowing him for over the course of a year.

The door creaked open at four in the morning and Robert raised an eyebrow as he saw Liv standing there. He hadn’t seen her concern he came back, she seemed to run from him as though she was scared or angry or both and Robert didn’t blame her. He kept thinking about Chas filling her in, the girl hating him and wanting him dead or something despite how close they once were.

“I can’t sleep either.” Liv’s voice was low, like she’d been thinking about what to say for a long time.

Robert gulped hard, sliding up in the bed and clinging to the blue blanket before nodding. “Come here, please?” His voice broke a little and then she was falling into his side, shuddering like mad as her ran a hand down her pony tail and tried to soothe her pain. Tried. Because he couldn’t do anything about it could he?

“I miss him, I miss him Robert.” Liv whispered into Robert’s chest before sighing and pulling away. “But you’re here, you’re staying?”

Maybe that’s why she stayed clear for so long, she thought he was leaving again soon.

“I’ve been discharged from service. I’m here, not going anywhere.” Robert sighed, a hand squeezing at Liv’s shoulder and looking at her properly. He was overwhelmed by how much she reminded him of Aaron, he felt his sides ache and he held her close to him again, promised himself that he’d not let her down the same way. “I’m so sorry Liv.” He took her brother from her.

“Mum told me,” Liv bent her head and then raised it. “I should hate ya but I know it wasn’t that simple, nothing ever is.” She heaved out a sigh and Robert felt crushed by how old she appeared, the war had aged her completely, taken away that charming cheeky part of her that made her who she was. Liv bit her lip, looked suddenly unsure. “I don’t know much, but, you love him don’t ya? In your own way that nobody understands in this poxy village?”

Robert stared at her for a few seconds before he was nodding, trying not to cry. “Yeah I do.” He ran a hand down his face, felt at an old scar and grew cold as he thought of the battlefield suddenly. “Doubt he feels the same though.” He whispered, minutes later.

“He does.” Liv didn’t skip a beat, face blank and serious at the same time. “He wouldn’t have gone through what he did if he didn’t.”

“What does that mean?”

Liv found a string and tugged at it whilst she looked towards the wooden floorboards. “Being called a pansy and that for training up with Belle and Debbie.” She winced like she remembered it all. “Staying up all night reading about injuries and medicine so that he’d be taken seriously. It was all to get closer to you.” Her eyes turned glossy and Robert knew she couldn’t say anything else, a part of him was grateful because he wouldn’t be able to take it if she did.

A few minutes rolled by and then some more and Liv was yawning, loud enough for Robert to realise that maybe she had been tired all this time and was just staying up to speak to him.

“Off to your room now.” Robert ordered, playful and soft and Liv obliged, shuffling her feet towards the door before looking back at the sorry boy.

“I’m sorry about your dad, and – him kicking you out like that.” Liv whispered, “He didn’t deserve a son like you.”

“You’ve got that right.”

“I mean it Rob. Yeah, you don’t think before you act but – Aaron was lost without ya when you left, you must have something special about you. Mum let you kip here didn’t she?” Liv smiled and then eyed the blue blanket Robert was still holding onto. “No one was allowed to touch that either, it was Aaron’s when he was young apparently, but now you have it.”

Robert felt cold, unworthy and it showed in his face as he began to peel it away from him.

“No don’t, keep it.” Liv said softly, eyes warm as she saw the gratitude on Robert’s face. “Night.” She said, before disappearing with a click of the door and leaving Robert clutching onto the blanket, thinking of Aaron as he closed his eyes.

 

\--

 

 

The thing was, Chas did a one eighty and decided that Robert was the closest thing she had to Aaron somehow. So he was firmly under her wing, under her roof.

It was strange at first, sleeping in a bed that was Aaron’s, running hands through his clothes and crying into his pillow at night. But he had Chas there, Chas and her softness which not everyone knew about, Chas and her smiles and her warmth and some nights he’d think he was with his mum. It was daft but true.

A month raced by them all, another bomb fell across a nearby village and news spread around the village that David had been seriously injured. Everyone came out to see him return, the truck pulling up and stopping near his shop. No one expected him to look the way he did, a scar running from his eye to his mouth, an arm in a sling and –

Missing a leg.

He bought misery. He bought fright and worry as he told everyone about how bleak it was, about how hopeless it all seemed when you were out there losing good men.

Robert understood, Robert could _relate_ and that ached him more than anything as he thought about Aaron and Aaron only.

“Robert! Robert come see me at home!” It was Vic’s voice filling his ears and he spun around to see his sister standing there, out of breath from running towards him. He had seen her as often as he could but it was hard, it was really hard considering Jack banned him from the farm and hadn’t bothered to even try and explain of it to Vic who was starting to wonder if Robert hated her.

Robert bent down towards her. “I can’t Vic, you know I can’t.” He whispered, “I’m helping Liv aren’t I?” They’d been through it before, it hadn’t stuck obviously.

It was three days after David’s tragic return home that it happened. Robert had woken up suddenly with this pain in his chest and this vision of Aaron calling out for him to help, to save him, to be there for him and it haunted him until he had a piece of parchment in front of him and a shaky pen in his hand.

He wrote a letter and thew it away and then cried like an idiot as he gazed out the window and was met with Andy’s face, a smile on his face and a hand in Katie’s. She was glowing, a hand on her growing stomach and a yellow dress fluttering in the breeze. They were happy. It was painfully clear and Robert hated them.

He hated them as he wrote another letter and the words didn’t sound write. He hated them as ‘We’ll meet again’ droned on and he was suddenly wondering if Aaron knew the song, if he had sat and listened to the words and felt his heart leap out of his chest too.

He wrote to him, in the end it was short and daft but he had to.

 

\--

 

_Dear Aaron,_

_  
I don’t think you’ll ever know how sorry I am for hurting you the way I did. It kills me, knowing what I’ve done, knowing what I’ve taken from you._

_I should leave you alone but I can’t. I’m madly in love with you aren’t I? I can’t do anything right without you and I need you so much Aaron. I feel like I’m breaking. So please don’t die on me out there, don’t give up and think there’s nothing left because I’m here, and so is your mum and so is Liv and the rest of your mad lot._

_I’m listening to that Vera Lynn they play out on the radio in the pub and I think about you. I think about seeing your face again, holding you, loving you without your hate for me. Am I dreaming?_

_I love you, and we will meet again, when the sky is blue and the sun is bright. And we’ll have all the time in the world._

_All my love,_

_R xx_

 

\--

 

 

  
Vic had a fall, a nasty one and she’d been bed bound with a fever.

That’s what made Robert crawl back to the farm, without a care in the world for consequences or the possibility of Jack telling him to turn around again because this was his sister, his little sister who he had neglected in all of this. It hurt, felt like someone had punched his gut as he ran up the stairs and watched her sleeping soundly, he held her hand and tried his hardest not to cry at her broken little body laced with medicine.

He spoke softly to her about Liv, about the Dingles not being as bad everyone banged on about all the time. Then he talked about Aaron, about the letter, about not hearing anything back just yet.

Yet.

“I bet he’s missing ya too.” Robert shuddered, hand over her hair. “But he’ll be back soon, hopefully he’ll forgive me, love me enough and I’ll be happy. You’ll see me smile again.”

He kissed her gently and then heard the sound of Jack’s feet coming towards him.

“She’ll be fine in a few days.” Jack cleared his throat, had his arms crossed over. “You can stay until Andy’s back from the market with Katie.”

Robert felt his jaw clench and a wave of misery overwhelmed him. “I see.” He said, defeated, almost lost.

“It’s the only way to keep the family together.” That shouldn’t have ached but it did, it hurt because Katie, a girl Jack barely knew, was family now and he wasn’t. Maybe he never was, Robert thought about that too much.

“The family.” Robert stood, couldn’t bare to raise his voice near Vic and then heaved out a shaky sigh as he looked at his father. “This isn’t a family, none of this is.” He looked disgusted, had a hand on his face as he caught sight of a picture of him, with Andy and Vic, his father and – his mother. “We haven’t been since your precious son broke it all.”

Jack shook his head, went to speak but then decided against it, turning round and then walking down the stairs.

Something soft inside Robert told him to leave it all alone, but he couldn’t.

He was down the stairs before he could figure out what he wanted to say. “It was terrible by the way. Kept thinking I’d die.”

Jack froze, hand on his head. “That’s how it is out there.” He shrugged, like it didn’t matter.

“You didn’t even write to me.” Robert hated himself for the tears that swelled in his eyes. “And it shouldn’t have mattered to me but it did.” He shivered then, the window was opened wider than he thought and he felt something cry out inside him.

Jack turned slowly, his face was practically grey and he wore a frown too deep and unwavering. “Vic will want to see you when she wakes up.” He mumbled out before he was walking away again and Robert could breathe properly.

Robert stayed until the sun set, he stayed and stayed and hide himself away in Vic’s room for days on end.

Andy attempted to kick him out, twice, but Katie restrained him, focused him on their son who was on the way. It worked, it worked because Robert had something to have his attention grasped directly on, and it wasn’t sad or miserable at all.

It didn’t stop the war though, it didn’t stop the stories and the fighting and the tears at night.

It didn’t stop David losing his head in the middle of the night and barricading himself into the village shop, shouting about Nazis and the dead bodies and explosives.

“Mate, it’s okay.” Robert pushed his head against the door of the shop, stars twinkling and a crowd becoming bigger. “We’re not there anymore.” He mumbled. “We’re home, you’re home.”

It ached, it really ached.

David wasn’t the same, the village wasn’t the same, Vic wasn’t the same.

And the war kept raging on.

 

\--

 

  
Vic was still poorly, could barely open her eyes as she laid there and Robert told her stories about him and Aaron.

“I wrote him a letter.” Robert whispered to her, rain pouring down the window and a glimmer in his eyes as he remembered his words. He’d poured his heart out weeks ago. “I keep thinking he’ll never write back.”

Vic’s eyes flicker at the mention of his name, “He will.” She whispered, smiled at him with a soft glow about her.

It happened when he was in the fields, laying and hiding low away from his father whilst Vic was at the doctors. He was thinking about Aaron, of course he was, and then he felt something break inside him all at once. He had the image of him in his mind being blown to pieces and he suddenly wanted to be with him, despite how much heartache he’d caused the younger man to endure.

They belonged together. They did.

Robert was interrupted by the sound of someone laying next to him, at first he was convinced it was Andy and he wanted to run but then he felt soft hands on his and he realised it was Liv.

“How’s Vic?” She asked, voice soft and caring. At times Robert hated how similar she was to her brother, everything seemed to ache inside him when she looked that way, when she would smile a little and try to understand how he was feeling.

“She’s okay.” Robert said quietly before turning towards her and frowning. “Why don’t you hate me Liv?” He blurted out, felt a shiver race through him as he spoke and the wind picked up making him have to close his eyes for a second. When he opened them she was frowning at him and had her hand running through what was left of the sparse crops.

“I wanted to.” Liv reflected. “Jackson made him so sad before, but you.” She squinted at him. “You made him happy.”

“And then I left him out there.” Robert heaved out a sigh, “All on his own Liv. He’s probably so scared.” He couldn’t help himself, hated how it would scare Liv and make her worry. But she didn’t, instead she dug into her pocket and produced a crumbled letter littered with soot.

“How about you find out?”

 

\--

 

_Dear R,_

_I didn’t want to write this, I told myself that you didn’t deserve it because you hardly cared about me the way I care about you. I heard that song you’re talking about though, the soppy ‘we’ll meet again’ and I started to cry, couldn’t stop really and I knew that you were still lodged in my heart. I sound like an idiot. I’m sorry._

_I miss you, and I forgive you and I just want you to hold me when the guns go off and they all fall down like toy soldiers instead of the real ones._

_They’ve moved me, I’m scared they’ll shove a gun in my hand next but I can’t worry you about that because I know it’s going to hurt you. I don’t want, I just want to be close to you again and forget your mistakes._

_We’ll meet again, I promise you._

_All my love,_

_Your, all yours, Aaron_

 

\--

 

  
Robert managed to write back after the tears had stopped pouring and his chest didn’t feel like it was going to break.

_Dear Aaron,_

_I miss you more than words can bare to say but knowing you are safe, and that you have forgiven me is enough to make the pain numb._

_And then I hear that song, all the radios are obsessed with it. They’re bonkers for it and it makes my shout and scream inside._

_Your mum understands, after I nearly broke the radio because it was playing and all I saw was your face. Only yours, dancing with me like we did that night._

_I wish we had that night back._

_I wish I had you in my arms again. You have no idea how much I long for my best friend back Aaron. But you’re gone and this bloody war still gives me nightmares._

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

_All my love,_

_R_

 

\--

_Dear R,_

_There is nothing more than I desire in life but to have you with me constantly..._

_I know that now. I feel it all around me as I wait for them to tell me I have a letter from you._

_I’m going mad here without you, but then I look at our moon, and I fall even deeper in love with you._

_Tell me how you are, bring me news of something good._

_Because I need it, but not as much as I need you. You and your hands, on me, around me. You everywhere I want you again and again._

_It’s enough to drive me insane._

_But I love you. And I write this with tears in my eyes and the sound of that song playing nearby and …_

_I love you._

_Yours, all yours,_

_Aaron_

 

\--

 

 

_Dear Aaron,_

_I hope you’re well, I hope this reaches you and you’re not frozen with fear or in pain._

_I pray each night that you’re well._

_You’ve got better at writing, it’s almost romantic now and it feels my heart with a joy I cannot describe._

_... I lie awake all night waiting for the postman in the early morning, and then when he does not bring anything from you I just exist, a mass of nerves who only knows how to come alive once I have read your words and it’s reached my heart._

_I long for you. I long for your touch often, and your heart always._

_Because I adore you and I promise we will be happy one day._

_I’ll bring you toast in bed, I’ll kiss you by a counter, I’ll giggle as your beard tickles me and you laugh with me.  
We’ll make it till the Autumn and I’ll do all the normal things with you._

_And you’ll hate me and I’ll scream at you and then we’ll make love and –_

_My Aaron, I’ll have you all one day._

_With all my love,_

_  
R_

 

\--

 

  
Victoria got better, grew stronger and Robert’s place in the home was more and more odd until he couldn’t bare it anymore.

The weeks seemed to roll by and Aaron’s letters were the only things which got him by. That, and alcohol, and David.

He was older, with a wife who was trying to become pregnant, but they somehow became pals.

Pals who swapped stories about the war and how horrific it was.

David was better now, didn’t scream in the middle of the night or lock the shop up anymore.

“They’ll call you and your Andy again you know?” David said, over a pint. He had this darkness about him, it was like it was carried on his back, a passenger through his life now.

Robert nodded slowly, he’d heard the news days ago. Apparently risking your life once wasn’t good enough anymore, not if you really wanted us to win.

“He’s got his baby on the way.” Robert explained, a crushing sense of almost pity seep through him for his brother. He didn’t want it to last. He suddenly sighed hard and rubbed at his brow. “When’s this going to end?”

David pulled a miserable face and shrugged. “It never will. Not really. Not in here.” He said, pointing towards his own head and twisting his finger.

Robert has to agree. There’s no denying it.

“Nothing’s going to be the same again.” Robert whispered, a hand falling on his lap. Although David didn’t know how close Aaron and Robert were in the end, he knew they were mates, best mates. “If Aaron’s alive, he won’t be same will he?” He wasn’t meant to be teary, but he couldn’t himself and suddenly he was racing back to the farm and trying to breathe.

He wouldn’t be the same, Robert thought, he’d be a shell of the boy he fell in love with.

The boy who followed him and wrote letters telling them that they’ll meet again as if they were destined to.

Robert kicked a patch of grass and then became overwhelmed by the smell of smoke coming from near the house, something jolted in his heart and suddenly he was breaking out into this mad run, army training kicking in as he approached the house and frantically searched for the cause of the smell.

“Vic!” Robert screamed, but then calmed as he saw her in Andy’s arms. The house wasn’t burning, it wasn’t on fire but something was and by the look on Andy’s face, it was something belonging to Robert.

Nothing in the world could have prepared him for what he saw.

His own father was standing there, a mound full of letters in his hands and an old biscuit tin resting against his feet.

The letters, Aaron’s letters were in his hands and then they were being tossed into a fire pit he’d cruelly created.

“God, _no_! Please, please don’t …”

Robert’s heart seemed to shatter into a million pieces and he felt like he couldn’t breath. Aaron was flashing in front of his eyes, wouldn’t stop and he was so disappointed, he was shaking his head and crying.

Aaron’s face made him risk his hands as he attempted to dive in and fish them out by Andy was tugging him back and he was screaming his lungs out.

“This  _filth_ isn’t welcome in my house.” Jack boomed, eyes hard and cruel and menacing as the flames flickered in front of his face again and again.

And that’s what he thought they were, filth about wanting to be close again, wanting to kiss and pull and tug and how much they longed for each other still.

They were love letters though, just war time love letters.

“How could you take this from me?” Robert was shaking, kneeling on the floor as he watched ash dance around him. “It was the only thing I had left.” He whispered, and Andy did the decent thing, looked away instead of trying to gloat.

Jack shook his head, again, just like always really, he looked so very disgusted. “You’ve been under my roof and sending this to that Dingle. After everything I did to keep you from him.”

Somehow there was strength left in his brittle bones and fragile heart, strength which allowed him to stand and look his father in the eye.

“You’ll never be able to make me stop loving him. Never.” Robert shuddered, chin wobbling. “And I’m not _gay_ , I like both dad. I’m just _me_ and I don’t care what you think.”

Something roared in his chest and for a second he thought of his mother smiling down at him, clouds parted, sun shining.

He felt Jack come nearer, saw his hand fly up and then the tears swell in his eyes before he dropped his hand and let out a pitiful sigh. “You’ll always be alone because you never listened to me, not once. I wash my hands of you.” He said, pushing past his son and walking back to the house with Andy.

Robert felt numb as he knelt back down on the ground and watched the flames die out along with all the words which mattered most, all those confessions of forgiveness and love.

Burnt away. Turned to ash.

Robert shuddered, felt the wind pick up around him and then looked towards the biscuit tin they’d been safely stored in. He could bet his right arm that it was Andy who had found them and showed their father. His eyes slowly fell onto the inside of the tin and then something warm spread across him.

Jack had missed a letter, the very first one Aaron wrote to Robert when he was at his bleakest.

A guiding light, Robert thought, grabbed hold of the crumbling letter and promised to never let it go again.

 

\--

 

 

He moved back in with Chas and Liv, poured his heart out to them and found comfort in the way they seemed to accept him again.

Robert fell into a pattern whereby he grew numb, he send another letter, and another and Aaron sent a short one back and it wasn’t enough.

Nothing was enough suddenly.

And Robert felt this blackness spread across his whole body, dreamt dark thoughts about Aaron until he was screaming out in his sleep.

He had a terrible feeling.

One that he couldn’t shake, despite the music and the laughter of returning soldiers who tried to give hope and tell everyone they were winning.

He was right to be too, because a week later Ross was barely standing in the pub, propped up on the bad with cuts scattering his face and he was saying the worst thing in the world.

“They gave Aaron a gun.”

And –

“They put him on the front line.”

And then –

“I think he’s dead.”

 

\--

 

It felt like he’d been doubled over, kicked repeatedly and nothing made sense expect for the way his chest seemed to stop beating altogether.

Chas was screaming, Zak removed his cap and Robert could see Liv standing there with tears streaming down his face.

He couldn’t stay, Robert realised as he ran to a place he should have always gone.

His mum’s grave was comforting and he knelt down in front of it. He couldn’t even cry, just _knew_ that Aaron was either badly injured and with no way of getting home, or he was dead.

“Mum, what do I do?” Robert pleaded, touching the headstone and then drawing back. “I need to know what to do.”

The wind picked up and something flickered in his mind, a switched was turned on and there was only one thing he could do.

“Hello, yeah. Robert Sugden. I’d like to rejoin the army.”

 

\--

 

 

Aaron’s eyes are damp, he’s shaking and his heart feels like it’s pushing further and further out of his chest. He cannot breathe the way he should be able to and he almost feels like he won’t be able to carry on with it anymore.

Robert’s almost vacant, eyes glazing over as he listens. Maybe he isn’t even listening anymore, maybe he never was. But he’s supposed to be, it’s all supposed to magically just sink in and he’s supposed to remember it all.

Ellie holds his shoulder and Aaron shudders. “Aaron, please. Why don’t you stop for now.” She whispers into his ear but he looks up at her in panic.

“No. No.” He whispers, the tremor in his hand worsens and he heaves out a cough. “I have to – to finish before it’s too late.”

Ellie blinks at him slowly, looks hesitant.

“Excuse me lady, but I’d like to finish the story. I feel like there’s only a little more to go.” Aaron raises his head as he hears Robert speak and something seems to slot back into his heart properly.

He can finish this, he can.

 

\--

 

 

Robert was back amongst it. Right in the thick of it.

It was worse than before too.

No one was prepared for anything anymore, defences shattered and men were going mad and shooting people without a thought in their mind.

He wasn’t with anyone he knew anymore, he was terrifyingly alone and in search of Aaron.

“Do you know an Aaron? Aaron Dingle. He’s my mate.”

Maybe he asked it a thousand times, maybe he asked it even more than that.

“This will never end.” Billy said, he was achingly young with bright red hair and freckles all around his mouth. Robert was older, looked at him like he was a child. He was, barely sixteen. He’d lied and no one had cared. They were desperate for men after all. “How the fuck did you even think about coming back?”

Love. Being madly and terrifyingly in love.

 

\--

 

 

He was down before Robert could wish him not to be. This lad, this German fucker came too close and he had to fire and stop him from crossing the line.

He’d killed him. He’d shot him and gunned him down. He’d seen him fall.

Robert blinked, blood covering his face, the boy’s blood.

 

\--

 

 

Chas wrote to him, angry and shocked about how he’d left without saying goodbye.

She spoke of Andy, of his son who was born just days after Robert had gone.

He’d named him Jack, of course he had.

 

\--

 

 

Days grew longer, and hope became a thing of the past.

He was somehow reunited with Harry and he’d embraced him as though they were brothers.

“You’re fucking mad. You’re back here.” Harry asked, gun firm in his hand, too many stories to tell.

“Aaron’s in danger, he might even be dead.” Robert blurted out, pressed a hand down on the wound he’d got from running and ducking down on the mud hard. “So I needed to find him.”

Harry’s jaw clenched. “It’s got worse Sugden.” He gulped. “Men, they’re falling like flies.” He whispered before stopping and hearing the sound of Vera Lynn drone on by, “Sick of hearing that fucking song. Aren’t you?”

Robert gave a haunting look and dropped his head, thoughts of Aaron drowned him mind and before he knew it he was falling into Harry and crying his heart out.

 

\--

 

  
_Keep smiling through_  
_Just like you always do_  
_'Till the blue skies chase_  
_Those dark clouds far away.’_

He couldn’t chase them though, he couldn’t stop the dark cloud from swallowing everything up inside.

Life was drawn out and relentless and home became a distance memory. It was fading and fading and Robert felt himself die a little each time his gun blew off and it wasn’t him falling down on the ground.

Home was far far away still.

It was far away until he was bleeding out and the rain was crashing down over him, his leg had been shot and he was in some lucid dream where Aaron was with him.

They were walking through a far, holding hands and actually smiling and then he awake again. Eyes sore and tears streaming down his face.

“Mum!” Robert screamed out, felt agony race through him and a thunder hit his veins over and over again. He felt trapped, more alone than he ever had been and then he heard someone next to him let out a small groan.

Something seemed to jolt in Robert’s heart, make him feel almost alive again despite the fact that everyone around them were dying slowly and the radio droned in, sprouting statistics about machinery and enemy lines.

He felt his stomach heave up and down and then something rose in his chest as he watched a nurse come forward, stand near his bed. “Dingle won’t last through the night.”

Just a single sentence sent something almost terrifyingly real through Robert and he’d dared for the feeling to be true.

It could be any Dingle. Any single one because there were loads of them weren’t there.

“Please.” He was shivering, a hand coming over his mouth and tears pouring down his face. “I’d do anything, anything you want.” He was praying my desperate as he found himself laying amongst the wounded soldiers. “I’d do anything if you’d let that be him.”

“He’s been like this for days, poor kid. What did you say his – oh _Aaron_.”

He jolted up right, made the nurses jump back and suddenly he was moving closer and tears were falling even harder down his face. “Fuck. Aaron, please –“ he held his face and the nurses behind him hardened their expression before Robert was to telling them that they were brothers not lovers and their expression melted.

He hated how unfair it all was but he couldn’t think about it that when Aaron was laying there looking half dead.

“It’s me. It’s _Rob_.” He whispered, once the nurses were gone. “Oh, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He leaned even closer and Aaron still had his eyes closed, like he couldn’t open them, like he was trapped. “Come back, please come back.”

The sound of another batch of soldiers heightened the atmosphere in the room and Robert turned quickly before feeling something pressing in his hand.

It was Aaron, it was him. His eyes were flickering open and something magical awakened in Robert.

“Rob?’ Aaron croaked out, eyes wet as he looked up at Robert and saw the green specs in his eyes and the freckles on his face. He looked the same. He looked like he hadn’t been darkened by the war as badly as he had himself. His face was bright, he looked like a boy and not this troubled man who had been hardened and damaged and recklessly mad because of this plight they were in.

Robert nodded, pulled a hand through what was left of Aaron’s hair. It had been cut, as well as his lip, and under his eye. He was a yellow complexion with his leg wrapped up high on the bed and an arm in a sling. Robert was right all along when he thought Aaron would have changed.

He was a shell of the boy who once ran naked in the rain with.

 

\--

 

 

Robert watched Aaron sleep, come in and then out of consciousness again and again until he was finally awake properly and he was looking up at him with big round eyes. They hadn’t lost their colour.

The room had an amber glow to it and there was a sound of coughing coming from the bed nearby but Aaron was transfixed on the boy above him.

He had convinced himself that he’d never see him again, that Robert was long gone and that he’d die in a battle filed whilst Robert was happy at home, without him.

Robert shuffled slightly on Aaron’s bed and his leg hung down awkwardly as he sat there trying not to think about the pain, or the way it ripped through him. He was just madly drawn in by the way Aaron was laying in front of him.

“Your – your leg?” Aaron mumbled out, eyes growing sad and head spinning with pain. “You’re _hurt_.” He said, tears suddenly crashing down his face again and again.

Robert shook his head, “Doesn’t matter.” He promised passionately before watching the soldiers sleep near by. The room was dreadfully silent, as if they were surrounded by the dead and not the survivors. “You’re safe now.” He said, tries to make Aaron smile but instead he felt Aaron push at his chest almost like he was angry. “Aaron?”

“The only thing – the only thing that made this easier was knowing you were safe and not in danger.” Aaron cried out, eyes flickering towards the first person he’d gunned down and then the next and the next. “I thought you were safe.” He whispered, voice agonisingly soft because he had nothing left to say.

Robert leaned closer, resented the way he couldn’t kiss Aaron like he wanted to. “Where you go …”

Aaron had a tear roll down his cheek and he tried to smile as he felt at Robert’s right hand. “I go.” He finished off the litre phrase, felt like a naïve teenager again who had gone and fallen madly in love with his best friend. “You risked your life.” He couldn’t comprehend it, couldn’t get his head around the fact that Robert had been safe and he’d left that all to blindly come back into the thick of this torment. “For what?”

Robert had tears swelling his eyes, “Ross Barton.” He joked before squeezing Aaron’s hand. “I thought you were dead, no one had heard from you.” He looked down sadly and blew out a breath. “I couldn’t stand the thought of it. Not for one second.”

Aaron wanted to pull Robert close and thank him but he couldn’t, this couldn’t be a good thing.

Robert frowned as he looked closer at Aaron and saw the cluster of bruises he’d failed to cover properly. Big and blue and menacing, tracking all over Aaron’s stomach.

“Jesus Aaron.” All Robert could think about was Aaron’s past and his need to cut himself to shreds. This was different though, it looked like it was inflicted on him, not by him. “What’s happened?”

Aaron looked away uncomfortably before gulping, “I was pushed on the front line with no experience, hurt myself once or twice.” He shrugged, lying.

Robert heaved out a sigh before moving across to sit on his own bed and stop anyone waking up and becoming suspicious. “Why don’t I believe you?” He watched Aaron turn away and then he sighed. “Fine, don’t tell me then. Just – just try and get better for me.”

Aaron shuddered. “Shot in the chest Rob, I should be dead.”

Something jolted in Robert’s chest over and over again and he blinked back tears.

“They’d want me dead. All of them.” Aaron let it out, saw Benny’s hand in his face, punching at his stomach over and over again and calling him scum of the earth.

Pansy.

Fairy.

Fag.

Robert turned to stone suddenly and hesitated. “The Germans do have something against us, don’t take it personally.”

Aaron raised his head, looked away like he didn’t know what to say as Robert told him to forget about it, to not worry, to just get better so that they can leave together and –

“You think they’ll fucking let us?” Aaron was mean and cutting and he had to be because Robert was somehow still trapped in this dream world whereby they weren’t hated for who they were, who they loved. “They found the letters Rob, they know I’ve committed buggery and now – now they’ll know who with.”

 

\--

 

 

It felt as though a bolder had been crashed between them and Robert was hyper sensitive to every look, every stare in their direction and he had to push himself away.

It ached, watching Aaron lay there with tears rolling down his face, telling him that he was sorry.

"They knew I didn't have a sweetheart Rob, they knew that I was amongst all those nurses and I hadn't tried to sleep with one of them." Aaron winced as he remembered being taken away from the comfort the women gave him. The women who were so much like his mother, his bonkers mother who he adored. He missed her, fuck he missed her so much.

Eden had disappeared off home somewhere and he was glad, really glad and he found some sort of home with the nurses who all had their suspicions. The young ones were soft and kind, told him that he'd have to keep his head low if he wanted to get away with it. But the older ones?

"They kicked me out of the nurses programme. One of the older nurses suspected something and - she thought I'd do immoral things on the poor soldiers." It made Aaron feel dirty and wrong as he thought about it, as he looked across and watched Robert lift his head towards the ceiling and lay back, not looking his way purposely.

"Then they gave me a gun and a uniform and -" Aaron's head ached as he tried to get his words out, tried not to completely break without Robert's hands over his own, encouraging him softly. "It was Hell on earth." He whispered and Robert shuddered because he knew all too well about that.

"Your letters." Aaron whispered, had one eye on Robert and another around the room to almost monitor if it was safe to speak so lovingly. He felt like he was under a magnifying glass or something. "They got me through it." His voice broke, "But they were found and - before I could face any sort of fucking questions I was shot down."

Robert hated himself suddenly, a black cloud enveloped this happiness which he told himself he'd have once Aaron was back in his arms, this close to him.

Aaron blinked quickly, suddenly overwhelmed. "Your leg, it's not that bad is it?" Robert shook his head, afraid of what Aaron was about to say. "Then you need to go, you need to leave Rob, go home."

They'd been here before, Robert thought. Last time he'd fucked it all up and Aaron hadn't joined him and he'd had to come back and -

"No." Robert blurted out. "No, no I'll wait until you're on your feet again." He promised, couldn't bare the thought of leaving Aaron _again_.

He'd been away from the boy he loved more than he'd been with him over the years and it was a startling thought, one which made him want to sink deeper into the bed and want to scream out in pain.

"It's the only way, Robert don't make this hard." Aaron said softly, a hand coming up to his face. "They're coming to see me soon, they're going to want to speak to me and - and -"

Aaron knew what they did to people like him. They called it aversion therapy. They made out as if it was the best thing for scum like him because it cured you of your … sexual preferences.

He didn't want to be cured, not if that made Robert would be stripped from him.

Robert stared blankly at him as another load of injured soldiers were bought in hastily. He hadn't a clue what Aaron was on about and everything ached inside him as he heard Aaron try to spare him as many details as possible.

"They'll do it secretly, everyone will reckon I've gone home and then they'll take him. I know it." Because he did, he knew that what he had been told was correct.

Simon, he'd gone through it years ago because his father had afforded the treatment. He didn't ask how bad it was, he didn't want to know.

Robert blinked slowly, let out a shaky breath and then he felt sick. "I can't let you go through that alone."

Aaron lifted his head quickly, "You have to Rob." He hissed, his voice being drowned out by the sound of someone screaming for help. Aaron was able to push himself forward without falling back. "Because I can't have them put you though that." He pushed out harshly. "Anyways, my family? They're not important, they're already known as scum aren't they? But yours, your dad's respected in that village. If anyone gets word of this, _you_ going through a fixing therapy, then it would ruin everything."

Robert had tears suddenly in his eyes and they crashed down his face. He's selfless. Aaron had always, always been selfless and he was laying there, lucky to be alive and still putting Robert first.

"Please, Robert you have to go." Aaron pleaded with him, "For me."

Robert sat up, pushed at his leg and tried to wriggle his foot around. It wasn't hurting anymore, Aaron had overridden the pain which was once there. "I have to stay, for you." He told him, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

But it wasn't, was it? Because Aaron was still shaking his head and he was begging him to turn his head around, he was whispering for him to keep quiet and then -

"Dingle." Captain Nicholls was suddenly over the young man's bed and he was inspecting him slowly, tracing over and over his body and then coming closer. "You made it out alive then." He said, no warm feeling behind his words at all. "Who do you think was looking down on you then son?" He asked and Robert kept his head forward, eyes closed firmly shut as he heard Aaron let out a shaky breath.

"Don't know Sir." Aaron pushed out and it sounded like it hurt from where Robert was sitting.

"It's not going to be God is it?" Captain Nicholls said, voice fight and menacing. "Not after he had to bare witness to that _filth_ you wrote in those letters." He added and Aaron instantly dropped his head with a sigh. "Are you going to deny the allegations lad?"

Robert held his breath, everything around him swirled and he felt like he was in the middle of the battle field again and he just wanted to reach out and tell Aaron to stop talking, to shout and scream and tell the idiot to try and prove he was sending them to a lad and not a lass but -

"No." Aaron shuddered, he'd come too far for that. He'd fallen in love with a boy, a man now and he'd loved him for years and years and years. To deny that would be cruel and untrue and he wouldn't be able to live with himself, he thought as he looked up at the terrifyingly calm Captain Nicholls.

And Robert's heart broke in two.

"You're a very lucky man Dingle, despite your family history, we can sort this out." Captain Nicholls spoke slowly, quiet as if he didn't want to draw attention to his own words. "We can get you on a special programme to combat your - your impairment." Aaron winced, felt something be stripped away from him as he was stared at. "No prison required. Not even a year or two. _If_ you comply."

Aaron had tears in his eyes, never felt so scared before. "Why are you trying to help me?" He whispered, felt Captain Nicholls slowly step on the bed and clear his throat. "Because you've done good things for this war, served with the nurses, and on the battlefield? If we chuck you in prison, no one comes out good. If we save you, it's better."

Save you, it became ingrained into Aaron's head as he watched the man above him nod his head slowly.

“Are you prepared to tell us who exactly it was you were having this … relationship with?”

Something froze in Robert’s chest, he wanted to say it was him, he wanted to go through it together with Aaron but –

“He died.” Aaron lied, felt it burn through his body. “I didn’t even know his surname.” He whispered, “I was stupid Sir.”

There was a strong silence filled with something until the captain was beginning to walk away, straight towards the exit of the room and away from sight. Aaron waited until the nurses grew busier and the space between him and Robert was almost unbearably far.

"Rob." He whispered and then was suddenly faced with the treats steaming down Robert's face again and again, the way he was pale and broken and tortured by what he had just heard Aaron agree to. "I'm so sorry."

Robert was stunned into a silence he couldn't break out of, he was just stating at Aaron and felt something shatter inside him because he remembered the young boy who he first met and he wanted him back.

Robert used to be the strong one then, he used to hold Aaron close and stop him from crying about the war and whatever could come with it all.

Everything felt hollow suddenly, horribly so and he couldn't think of anything other than one memory, "Remember when - when we danced in the rain?" He whispered, voice breaking as Aaron started to cry. "I think I was half in love with you by then."

Aaron's chin wobbled like mad, "Only half?" He whispered, felt like no one else was around them and that he wasn't in danger of being overheard. "You managed to make me so happy then."

Then, before all of this, Robert thought.

"Aaron I can't leave you again, I really can't. It broke me last time." Robert tried to say, eyes still ahead as he watched Aaron breathe hard and fast over and over again.

"I'm not giving you a choice Rob." Aaron said softly, "Because I've made my mind up. I'm taking the fall for this, for what we've done." It hurt, sounded like they'd committed a monstrous crime or something and they had to be punished for the rest of their days.

“And you’ll live your life without me.”

 

\--

 

 

Aaron has a hand over his mouth and he suddenly attempts to stand, he can't take it anymore, something dark lifts up inside him and he has to put the book down and back away.

He needs to gather his thoughts and stop what he's doing because it's killing him this, they said - they said that he shouldn't leave the hospital and yet here he is.

"Mate, are you alright?" It's Robert staring at him blankly, creasing forming right around his eyes and a soft sort of concern about him suddenly. He looks like he used to, filled with an innocence like no other.

Aaron attempts to speak and then feels Ellie holding him by the shoulders and helping him up.

"Aaron just needs some air." Ellie says kindly, concern flashed over her own face as she sees the way Aaron's hands quicker almost uncontrollably.

Robert watches them go and Aaron doesn't want to leave him but he needs to steel himself for what's coming next in his story. He doesn't expect Robert to reach out and hold him loosely by the arm.

"Back? You're coming back aren't you?" Robert's asking, like he knows who Aaron even is.

Aaron nods slowly, "Of course I am." He whispers and watches the smile spread across Robert's face. It's dazzling.

The air is sweeter outside and Aaron sits in the chair for what feels like hours as he tries to stop himself form crying, stop the pain in his chest from worsening. He doesn't expect to see Annie and Jacob coming towards him with Liv behind him and Vic holding out a hamper filled with cakes. All of them hug and kiss him and ask how Robert is, apologise for not visiting as often as they should.

"It's just hard." Annie whispers, all grown up now and with Robert's eyes. "Seeing him in here like this, he's not the same person."

Aaron lifts his head and squints at her, "That's why I'm here, to get him back."

He doesn't care that he sounds deranged, that his own family late looking at him with such concern on their faces.

"You're making yourself ill Aaron." Liv tells him, shakes her head and then notices the tremble in his hands. "When's this started?" She asks and then Aaron's looking at Jacob, only he knows.

"The other day." Jacob says, "He should really be in hospital but -"

Aaron cowers and then hears everyone tutting and asking what's wrong with him and he wants to hit something.

"He's my _Robert_." Aaron shouts out, feels it take all his breath away as he shudders and watches Jacob's face fall, Annie's crumble. "All I want is him back." He says, like it's possible.

Jacob is suddenly on one knee and holding onto Aaron's hand, stopping it from shaking. "And - and we want dad back too." He whispers, voice tight like he's trying not to break. "But he's ill dad, it's not your fault he doesn't remember."

But it is, Aaron thinks as he sits there, because he never tried hard enough, because he ignored the mountain of signs which was in his way for years, because he watched them take his Robert away and he was too scared to say anything about it.

After all these years.

"He doesn't recognise you at all? Or anything in the story?" Vic's saying and Aaron looks away, feels like he needs to hold her close because she's had to age so much through all of this.

"Bits. Songs and little memories of us, but he doesn't realise it's about him yet. I'm not giving up though." Aaron says, tries to stand and then Jacob's sitting him down again.

He's asking where he is in the story and wincing, the worst part, the pain he endured for those seven days.

"Dad, *no." Annie whispers, and Aaron wants to hold her towards his chest like she's a little girl again. She doesn't know the ins and outs, knows enough of what her father endured, knows that the marks on his arms came from then and *stayed.

"Let me do this, for just a little longer. I'm not finished, I promise." Aaron's practically pleading as he watches Ellie come towards him. "Please." He whispers, "Just let me finish."

And they do, they're helping him back inside and then they're staying in the garden. All of them, because they get too upset when Robert offers them a vacant smile or a curt nod of the head.

"You're back." Robert straightens his back, pushes down a hand over his lap and his got his burgundy cardigan on, the one that makes him look like a proper granddad, not that he knows about Annie's boy, Lucas, or Jacob's Gabriel and Grace. Not anymore.

"I am." Aaron says, gulps hard as he tries to steel himself. "The next part, it's a bit sad. It's well, I won't talk too much about it but - but know that it's over now and they don't put anyone through that anymore."

Robert nods very slowly, concentrated and calm and then Aaron fights against another ache in his chest and carries on.

 

 


	6. PART VI

 

Robert said goodbye on the Sunday night.

His foot was knackered, he'd permanently have a limp apparently and it would take years for him to be able to walk with it straight. He'd been let go though, they'd told him that he was returning to the Dales and that he'd have to get his things together.

He faked another smile, a soft one which didn't meet his eyes as he looked towards Aaron who was being almost purposely withdrawn from him.

Aaron looked better, physically. He was sitting up, not groaning out in pain anymore and Robert was grateful for that. But every time he allowed himself to be happy, he'd think about the fact that was letting Aaron go with the doctor or Captain Nicholls, letting him be tortured and changed.

"What if you don't love me anymore?" Robert panicked, the last night they had together was tainted by it all. By the fact that Aaron was going away and the whole reasoning behind it was to stop him being a homosexual. What if it worked?

Aaron turned and frowned at Robert, "Nothing is going to be able to stop that." He pushed out, hard and fast because he hadn't even thought about that possibility, because it was near on impossible for his love for Robert to be destroyed. "Not ever." He looked across at Robert, hair flat against his forehead, eyes filled with sorrow and red raw from his own crying and he realised right there and then that he'd love Robert until the day he died. "Please trust me."

Robert breathed in harshly and gulped, "They'll try. They'll make you - I don't know, hate me or something."

Aaron's eyes flickered, he'd probably be made to do or watch all types of things but it didn't matter because it wouldn't change his mind. "I don't care what they try to do, it won't work." He promised. "I'm only doing this so that we both don't end up -"

"I know," Robert knelt his head, overwhelmed by the reasoning behind why Aaron was being as brave as he was. "And I'm so grateful." He suddenly thought of Chas and something broke in him. "What about your mum? I promised her in all my letters that I wouldn't come back without you, not again."

Aaron couldn't think about her, because he'd cry. Instead he just cleared his throat and sighed, "Look after them for me." He said slowly, "Like you always have done, and - and don't forget me."

Robert wanted to kiss Aaron, just feel Aaron's lips brush against his and have that closeness with him but it was almost pointless to wish for. So he didn't, he just shook his head and told Aaron that he couldn't ever forget him. "I'll be waiting for you." He promised, "And we'll run away together and live in some house and be happy for the rest of our lives."

Aaron's eyes closed and he let out a soft smile as he pictured it all in his head. "Let's hope they win the war for us, doubt we'll be too happy with the Nazi's about." He said, eyes flickering and tiredness plaguing his body. "You can build us - us a house with small little windows and a blue door." Aaron said weakly, "It can be by a river and we can fish, do what real people do, and we'll be happy." He smiled again and then looked across to see Robert crying.

All the soldiers seemed to be deeply rested, the fake hospital ward was lined with the bodies and they somehow managed to go unnoticed as the nurses gathered around near the front.

Aaron hadn't seen Robert cry very often, not like this and it made him have to look away because he couldn't exactly hold him close. He just had to endure the pain he was feeling for Robert until it was over and Robert was promising to build him a home.

"Right bang in the middle of nowhere." Robert promised gently, "And we'll never have to leave each other again."

Aaron tried to nod her his eyes began to grow sleepy suddenly, hazy eyes searched up to the window and found themselves fixed onto the moon.

"The moon, I'll be - I'll be seeing you." Aaron whispered, trying to remember the old song which they danced to in the village hall. "Can't remember the rest, sorry." He mumbled out drowsily.

Robert could, sang it to himself the whole night until the pink hues formed in the sky and poured through the window.

He sang it to himself as he was being forced to stand, given a wooden stick and a smile by a nurse.

He couldn't sing it though as he stood by Aaron's bed and watched him open his eyes wide. "Tell me to stay and I will." He was pleading, wanted desperately to feel Aaron holding his hand telling him to stay right where he was. But Aaron just shook his head.

"We'll meet again." Aaron said, almost sang and Robert chewed on his gum, tried not to cry.

"We'll meet again." Robert said, managed to push out as he stared at Aaron's face again, bright blue eyes and a beard which was slowly growing thicker. "And I'll still love you." He whispered, barely got his words out because it was too hard, because everything hurt inside and he felt almost like there was nothing else he could do but cry.

Aaron slowly nodded his head and then dropped it, "You know ..."

He couldn't say it, felt it vibrating on his lips, threatening to fall out any second soon but he managed to hold it in.

Robert nodded, eyes glistening and then his mouth opening before he heard the sound of his name being called on a register. He had to go. Aaron was looking towards the bed sheet covering him and he didn't raise his head, he couldn't and Robert was grateful because he couldn't look into his eyes.

"I know." Robert whispered back, made something die inside him purposely as he ripped himself away from Aaron's bed and followed the other officers outside and onto a truck.

He was going home again, without Aaron by his side.

 

\--

 

 

It lasted seven days, seven whole days of torment and misery and pain which Aaron had no control over.

He wasn't there alone, there was two more men with him. Both scrawny and filthy and scared shitless. Aaron looked at them and felt pity swell through him suddenly, felt as though whatever was ahead of him was going to haunt him for the rest of his days.

"You young men are the luckiest of your kind." A man said, tall and threatening as he loomed over Aaron and the other men. "After this week, you'll be free from the trappings of your illnesses which have plagued you. You'll be happy." He said, like it was easy, like it would actually work.

It didn't. It just ached and hurt and humiliated the lads day in day out. Men who had given up their lives for a war they didn't ask for, where being pumped with God knows what and made to belittle themselves in almost unimaginable ways.

Aaron would lay awake, drenched in his own sweat, shaking almost uncontrollably as he thought about Robert. Is he happy? He'd think. Is he missing me? He'd wonder and then he'd sob his heart out about it.

The moon would always be high in the sky too, but it didn't offer comfort, it offered nothing but misery and because a symbol for everything which stood in his way.

By the end of the week, his body was covered in bruises and his arms were aching from the stabbing of needles which had been thrust into him by doctors who told him it would cleanse his soul or whatever. But it hadn't, it had all completely shattered him and he stood at the edge of the army grounds and shuddered with fear.

He’d denied his love.

He’d told them it worked, that the flashes of rampant sex shown to him on the screens made him want a woman instead of a man. He’d told them that he didn’t know how to love a man.

He’d revoked his unwavering love for Robert Sugden.

Just. Like. That.

All at once, he couldn't find his way home anymore.

 

\--

 

 

The war was over and joy broke through Robert's heart as he watched the small village break out in song, decorate the little fences with bunting and cry as their loved ones arrived home.

Robert sat alone, at the edge of the village near the bridge where he and Aaron used to stand, and he felt a bitterness overwhelm his heart entirely because he should have been happier, because Aaron was supposed to be in his arms, because -

It should have only lasted seven days, the treatment plan or whatever it was called. But it had been too long now.

A year passed, and Robert waited. He became a ghost of a person. A shell.

"Love, tell me more, tell me everything okay? He can't have just disappeared."

But he had, Robert hadn't seen Aaron and he couldn't tell Chas what he really thought had happened to him.

That the therapy had killed him and he was gone from this world, from the life they could have led.

He told David though, a friend still who knew it all.

"He hasn't come back." The wind had whistled around him as he spoke. "He hasn't because he's dead, and those fucks who were supposed to help him, they've killed him." His chin had wobbled and then something had fizzled and died in Robert's chest, made him collapse a little as David stared at him in shock.

Harry wrote, he visited with his sweetheart on his arm and a baby in a pram. He spoke about Jimbo stupidly risking his life and the risk not paying off.

He offered Robert a home. Robert refused, decided to write letters to his mate for the rest of his life instead because somehow he linked Harry to Aaron and everything was muddled in his mind.

 

 

\--

 

 

He was in mourning for the next year. He was completely alone and had turned into this monster of a man who denied himself every aspect of happiness without Aaron. Instead he hollowed into this mess of a person who resigned his days in one of the old barns and slopping off to the pub for a talk with Chas and Liv when they were free.

But it was too painful sometimes, because Liv would pull a face and he'd be reminded of Aaron instantly and he'd bolt.

Because Aaron was dead. Because they didn't have a body. Because he was going to spend the rest of his days completely alone.

"I know it's hard." Liv whispered, right by his side, a hand over his. "Because he's not here anymore, but you can't stay here." She said, moon up high, wind crashing against the barn door. "Come with me."

Robert hunched himself up on the straw and kept his head down. "To his room? I can't sleep there." He said, something beating through his chest violently just at the thought.

"You can't stay here." Liv insisted, shuddering as she look out towards the house, towards where Andy and Katie and little Jack and Vic and his dad were all living happily. "Let me speak to Katie again."

Pity. The word run through Robert's mind. As soon as a few weeks went back and Aaron hadn't returned, Katie had pitied him entirely and asked if he wanted to come back to the house. He'd nearly agreed, saw how much Victoria, all grown and beautiful, wanted him there too but then he'd taken one look at his father and something jolted in his stomach.

He remembered the letters, how they burned. He remembered the barn, how it burnt, how his mother died.

So he'd said no, and he resigned himself to the barn where he'd been with Aaron, the one where he'd had the pleasure of making love to him in. Their barn.

"Don't speak to anyone Liv." He pushed out, eyes damp and face pale because he'd lost weight. "I need to stay here. He might come back if I stay here." And he'd gone almost mad too.

He'd have these moments where he'd convince himself that Aaron wasn't dead at all, he was alive and well and he was going to run through the door any minute now. He'd crash his lips into Robert's and explain why it has taken him two years to come home to him. It would all make sense, Robert thought.

That feeling never lasted though, because then he'd lay awake and dream about Aaron truly being 'fixed' by those mad doctors, truly falling out of love with him and realising that he needs to run away and move on and be happy without this dirtiness he was plagued with.

The feeling was there on a dark Sunday morning when Jack found him almost dead on the barn floor. He hadn't eaten for a day or two, not properly anyway and as soon as he saw someone on top of him, trying to wake him up and slapping his face, he'd said one name.

"Aaron?" Robert's eyes flickered and then he heard his father tut before bringing him to his feet and staring at him with almost a sense of disgust.

Jack had aged, was grey and pale but he still had the ability to make Robert feel like he was a four year old boy who was about to get a beating. "You need to fix yourself son." He said and Robert felt something bubble inside him and almost this black rage was unleashed.

"You'd _love_ that wouldn't you? Me being fixed." Jack looked away, couldn't meet his son's eyes and then Robert was shuddering, "That's what happened to Aaron and now he's never came back." No one really knew that, not Chas, not Liv. Only David. Everyone else had convinced themselves that his body would show up one day, it's not like anyone particularly cared about the strange Dingle anyway.

Jack's face turned grey and he removed his cap. "Son -"

"And they hurt him. They did all sorts to try and get the evil out of him. And he was probably in so much pain, is that what you wanted all along? All because he loved me with all his heart, all because he'd always love me." Robert felt something die in his throat as he collapsed into his father's arms and began punching at his chest, not caring that Jack was too old for this now, not caring that Andy could come and smack him one of he saw.

He wanted to hurt him, he wanted his own dad to be miserable just like him.

"He wouldn't have gone in the first place if it wasn't for _you_ sending me there." Robert had worked it all out, bitter and twisted and alone at an age where he should be married to his childhood sweetheart. "You've taken the only person, the _one_ person who would have stayed."

Jack backed away, hand gripped on the barn door. "You can't blame me for him not coming back." He gulped his head. "There was a bloody war going on." He had bags underneath his eyes which seemed heavy.

"You sent me there. All on my own." He whispered, never had gotten over that, never would. "And I'll always hate you for it."

Jack raised his head and then pulled a face as the rain crashed down outside and spread through to the leaky barn.

"So go back to your family and leave me here alone." Robert whispered, watched Jack frown and hold the door tighter.

"Despite it all, despite _you_ , I - I did try." Jack said and Robert breathed in hard and fast and watched something crash down around him. His father had never looked so innocent before. Suddenly he was this gentle giant again, the way Robert used to think of him when he was young.

He offered Robert this tortured look on his face and then he was gone.

It was the last time Robert ever saw his father alive. By the morning Victoria was pounding down the door hard and turning into a sobbing mess because their father hadn't woken up.

"He's dead, Rob, he's _gone_." She screamed, and Robert was just frozen into this mad feeling of numbness.

His father, his horrible, mean, judgemental, kind, gentle, family orientated father, was dead.

Robert slept in the house for the first time in years that night, he held Victoria closed and she cried into his chest. He didn't cry though. He didn't shed a tear that night.

"It's okay to be sad." Victoria said, hand near Robert's as she lay in the small rickety bed and looked up at her brother. "I know that -"

"I know Vic." Robert pushed out, tired and hollow and then his eyes moving over to the landing where Andy was holding his son and trying to stop him from crying. He'd not hugged Robert, cried in his presence and said there was nothing they could have done, and Robert had just nodded his head because he didn't blame Andy for this parent dying on him.

They'd had visitors all day, paying respect. Robert didn't want to hear a word of it though, bitter, still so bitter was his heart.

"I miss Aaron." Victoria foolishly said in the haze of her grief, she never used to mention him because he knew how much it hurt her brother considering it had been two whole years since they had last seen each other properly. "Sorry, Robert I'm sorry." She got out as quickly as she could but Robert didn't move at all, he just nodded his head like it was okay because his mind was cramped with all these memories of Aaron with Vic when she was younger, how close they'd been. She had the right to miss him, he realised.

"He'd know exactly what to say." Robert whispered, "What to do." He added, because he'd cry if Aaron was here he thought, he'd cry and mourn the loss of this man who he once idolised, the one he had lost to his issues and mentality. Victoria nodded in agreement and began taking about their father, couldn't stop herself suddenly and Robert found himself drowning it all out until he couldn't hear her anymore.

He was just hearing the sound of his father telling his younger self to jump on his shoulders and hold on tight.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron stepped off the bus and felt his hands become free of the weight of his bag. He heard it fall to the ground with a thud and something charged through him madly.

His eyes flickered towards the green grass, the trail up towards the house, towards the pathway and the flowers. Something stuck him almost instantly and he had to take a breath, he had to prepare himself for _this_ , for coming home.

_He missed you." Chas whispered as she held her son close to her chest and stroked his back. "We all missed you so much my darling." She pulled away, gently smiled and something broke in Aaron's chest. "We didn't think you've ever come back. That's why he -"_

_Liv jumped in then, so much taller and braver than Aaron remembered. "Here's the address." She spoke hastily, breath shaky as she reached out and hugged her brother before passing him a small piece of paper and smiling._

Aaron lifted his head, heart beating out of his chest because he had heard all the stories about how Robert ended up. He heard about his father dying, he heard about David losing it again and going mad, he heard about all those nights he slept in a barn like some sort of animal. He'd heard and yet he'd still stayed away.

Four years since it all happened and now he stood in front of a gate, shaky hands trying to push through it and walk up to where he was. Aaron dropped his head and winced as he thought about all the times before when he'd wished and wished he come be where he is, where he'd just wanted to get over what happened to him and fall back into Robert's arms. But he couldn't. The memories of Robert were cruelly tainted with misery and torment both physically and mentally because he'd been hurt, he'd been broken down all because of how he felt about Robert, about his best friend.

He wasn't meant to run away. He wasn't meant to spend his days living in a basement with a bunch of other men like him, lonely and forgotten and deeply scared. He wasn't meant to have that life.

Somehow Aaron made it through the pathway, the air was sweet and filled with a softness he couldn't remember feeling before. His feet walked him towards the opening of another pathway until he was standing at the edge of a garden, staring up at a house.

It was quaint, almost like a cottage really with small windows and -

Aaron shakily pulled a hand over his mouth, tears swimming in his eyes as he watched Robert walk out of the door, the blue door that he'd made Robert promise to include in their home, the one Robert would build for them once everything was over.

Robert stood there unable to move as he stared at the man in front of him. He was taller, slimmer yet he still had a round face and that beard that he never could really get used to. And his eyes, his _eyes_ were still blue.

Aaron gulped hard, eyes locking onto this man in front of him. He wasn't the same person anymore, he was small and almost hiding within himself. His hair was longer and all the place and his face wasn't as soft as it once was. He looked drained, looked someone had continuously been sucking the life out of him for the last four years and he was left as this shell of a man.

Suddenly something almost broke in Robert and his head was firm towards the ground, panting hard and fast and then Aaron's eyes widened as he watched Robert's shoulders heave up and down and then his legs gave way and Aaron was catching him in his arms.

As soon as they touched it felt like Aaron's body had turned to jelly and Robert was melting into him, hands flying around Aaron's neck and gripping tight and crying his eyes out because this wasn't real? Aaron was dead, or he had been 'fixed' and he didn't love him -

"Look at me." Aaron whispered, feeling them both fall to the ground in some sort of mad heap. Robert lifted his head, eyes red raw and shining with tears. "I came back." Aaron was crying, pushed their heads together. "I'm so _sorry_. I'm sorry, I'm sorry Robert. Please - forgive me, I'm sorry." Everything just came hurdling out of his mouth before he could find the right words and suddenly everything around him stilled.

Robert was in front of him, their hands were touching delicately and everything crashing down around them as Aaron tried to hold Robert's head up. "I'm here. I'm real." He said, because he knew what Robert was thinking about as he just stared at him.

Robert shuddered, feeling the grass discolour his trousers as he felt Aaron all around him. After all the years that had passed them by. "You're - I thought," he couldn't get his words out. "Dead." He blurted out, shaking his head. "Forgot me. Moved on." He raised his head and watched Aaron just stare at him, nothing coming out of his mouth.

"I didn't." Aaron whispered, tried to press their foreheads together and then suddenly felt Robert standing up and then he was running towards a river near the small cottage, the river Aaron wanted. Aaron felt his legs run after Robert and then he pulled back as he saw Robert spin around and press a hand against his chest.

"You left me." Robert shuddered, anger boiling through him. "You just - you _left_ me and I thought you were dead. Because you never came back like you said you would." Tears fell down his face hard and fast and unforgiving as Aaron began to nod and attempted to speak. "You didn't come back because you didn't want to, because you didn't love me anymore."

Aaron felt goosebumps attack his body and then suddenly he was shoving Robert hard against a wall of the house. "Of course I fucking _loved you!_ " He had Robert pinned back by his blouse and he shook his head, "But I couldn't - because they made me _hate_ myself - they hurt me Rob." Something broke in Robert as he stared at Aaron, watched how haunted he was still. "So I ran, I should have ran to you but I couldn't because I was so scared."

Robert gulped, tears falling down his face. "So was I. But you made me less afraid of who I was when I - when I was with you." He dropped his head again and then he blew out a breath. "I just wanted you back."

Aaron slowly moved his hands up to Robert's face and was grateful when the older man didn't flinch. "I'm here." He said, frightfully scared of what could happen to them if stories circulated, but he wasn't running anymore. He moved a hand up across Robert's face and began staring at him, soaking in his features, the lines forming on his face, under his eyes. He shouldn't have looked as old as this, Aaron couldn't help but think as he stood there.

"You're going to run again." Robert said, like he knew it already. "I can't have you run again." He whispered, and then a hand fell over Aaron's arm. He was suddenly wincing as he looked at the bruises, the scars that cluttered his lover's body. "Aaron -"

Aaron pulled away and shook his head, "Not now." He begged, because every single one of them had their own stories and he couldn't talk about it. Instead he looked towards the river, towards the house. "Did you make this?" He whispered. "Did you actually build a home -" he had tears in his eyes and Robert pulled at his hand, dragged him round to the front of the house.

"Dad left me money." Robert couldn't speak about that, couldn't remember the surprise he felt when Andy showed him their dad's will and read out what it said. He was leaving Robert a fair bit, telling him to leave the village and make something with his life, use it for something important. Anything important. That's exactly what it had said and it didn't take long for Robert to understand what his only purpose could really be. "I built it yeah. It's not all finished yet but - me and Jacob find it okay."

It slipped out and then Aaron's jaw was tightening. "Jacob?" He whispered, eyes filling with tears because a horrid thought entered his mind. Robert had moved on, Robert had a family, a wife who he loved and a child.

Robert nodded his head, "My son." He said, something slow and soft in his voice and then Aaron was looking away, feeling something break in his chest because of course Robert had started a family with some fancy little thing who stuck around and loved him like he deserved, with her whole heart, willingly.

"Eden's little boy."

Aaron felt something swirl up inside him as he turned back around and Robert dropped his head. He was coming closer towards the older man who was nearly in tears again, a hand over his face.

"Her mother dropped him on my doorstep. Eden died, left me with him. She'd been trying to find me for years." Robert pushed out, something sad and lonely in his voice because he remembered how awful he felt when Jacob was sent to him. He hadn't a clue how to look after a child, one who was so heavily dependent on him. "So I'm raising him alone, no wife, no - no one." He forced out, the loneliness hitting him like a steam train because he'd spent years alone with him, with a boy, a darling little boy who just missed his mother.

Aaron's eyes began to water again and he gulped, "All on your own?" His voice broke uncontrollably and then he shuddered, "You did it all alone?" He brushed his face against Robert's in a move so delicately, his heart almost broke.

"Learnt how to be alone." Robert said honestly, trying to ignore how awful it had been. "It isn't easy you know?" He whispered, gulping hard as he looked at how miserable Aaron appeared. "And I've been with other people."

Aaron frowned, couldn't hide how much it ached but he wasn't going to lie either he thought. "So have I. To fill a whole in here." He pressed a hand against his own chest. "But only you -" he couldn't carry on speaking suddenly, overwhelmed by the way everything was making him feel.

"Could fill it." Robert whispered, soft, slow as he felt the wind pick up and hit his cheeks.

Aaron nodded desperately and came closer. "I kept running, I kept running because I was scared." He admitted before coming even closer. "But I'm ready to come home now." He whispered, something so honest in his tone was able to pull up Robert's head and make him raise an eyebrow. "To you."

Robert felt something pull and tug at his heart and he didn't know what to do. He was just staring all these words fall out of Aaron's mouth and they became clogged and trapped in his mind over and over again. It wasn't real, he thought. He'd wake up and Jacob would be climbing over him and trying to get him to wake up and make him his breakfast, porridge, his favourite. He'd wake up and none of this would be real.

But it was real.

Aaron was standing in front of him, so tired and alone and Robert just needed to hold him. He just needed to be close to him despite all the madness circling around them, he just wanted him back and then -

"Come home then." He whispered, Robert's hand fell into Aaron's and then he was gently leading the younger man into the small house, the cottage that still needed work done to it.

Aaron seemed almost in awe as looked around the living room, a battered sofa and a lamp was sat on the side and gave the room an amber glow about it. There was this picture too, maybe Robert had drawn it, Aaron thought as he stood there staring at it. It was of a soldier, he was looking towards the ground and he looked so sad and tortured.

"That's you." Robert whispered to Aaron, back against the wall as he watched the younger man stare intensely at the drawing. "I used to talk to you through it, especially after dad died." He added, suddenly coming out of the house again and finding it hard to breathe.

Aaron gulped hard, the wind was picking up outside and he felt the rain pour over Robert as he stood there in the middle of the path with his hands in his pockets.

"I'm sorry about your dad." Aaron explained, felt as though something was breaking inside him as he spoke because despite who Jack was, now he behaved, he still knew that Robert felt this love for him which he couldn't deny.

Robert shrugged, "It's fine." He lied before he was loosening himself up and patting at his eyes. "Last time I spoke to him, we argued about you." Aaron dropped his head awkwardly and then raised it again. "And you know what? I tried hating you for making my dad hate me. Because you were gone and I was alone and he was _dead_. But I couldn't hate ya, not even when - when I thought about you with someone else." He let out a breath and then saw Aaron stepping even closer. "Because I've always loved you mate." Something completely shattered in Robert's voice and he was laid bare.

That's when Aaron held him close, brushed his face against Robert's and then suddenly there was all this heat and sadness mixed through in his heart and he was lunging towards Aaron and kissing him.

The rain carried on, soaked through their bodies and made everything feel more real.

It was frantic, it was maddening and quick and made everything inside feel _right_ for the first time in years and years. Aaron wasn't scared or guilty or worried anymore because his lips were on Robert's and his hands were running through his hair and everything was melting away around him.

They hadn't done this, they hadn't kissed and kissed each other like this for what feels like centuries.

And, they’re just two men kissing in the rain, away from looks, or stares or judgement.

“I love you.” Aaron shuddered, face wet as he held onto Robert and then felt the older man crush their bodies together almost desperately.

“Still?” Robert whispered, the sound of the rain growing heavier.

“Always.” Aaron admitted, soft, kind.

Robert pulled them back in the house, back into warmth and then they were on the sofa, cuddled together in blankets as everything around them settled.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs broke them away from each other and Jacob was standing there with a thumb in his mouth, dusty brown hair and wide eyes which mimicked his father's.

"Come here sport." Robert said, staring at his son and gulping hard as he patted his leg. Jacob slowly came towards his father obediently, always so quiet and shy. "This is my Aaron." He whispered, eyes falling over his son as he rubbed his back slowly. "Say hello then." He prompted.

Jacob stared up Aaron and blinked quickly before Aaron slowly knelt down beside the little boy. "Hello my Aaron." He said innocently and then Robert laughed, corrected himself and Jacob practically beamed as he saw the medals Aaron had pinned on his bag.

Aaron pulled a hand through Jacob's hair, and then he was feeling the little boy run into his arms like he knew him or something, like Robert had made sure that Jacob knew all about who he was and what he meant. It startled something inside Aaron for a second, and then he was loving him completely.

 

\--

 

 

The bed was small enough for Robert's feet to stick out of awkwardly. He didn't care though, because for the first time in years, he was sharing a bed with the love of his life.

They'd never had this, never been that couple who ate toast in the morning, radio on and butter being taken out of the fridge as they kissed by the sink. They never made it to Autumn, never raked leaves out of the pathway together.

But they would, Robert thought as he held Aaron tightly.

"People will talk about us." Aaron whispered, scared out of his mind as he held Robert towards him. It was his biggest fear, someone finding out about them, taking Jacob away from the vile state of their home.

Robert kissed Aaron's head. "Miles away from any town here. We're deep in the country side." He promised, like it was that easy. "I'll protect you." Something raced through Aaron, something unimaginable. "You're never going to be alone again."

Aaron looked up at him, kissed him gently and then pressed a hand towards Robert's chest. "I'll always have you and Jacob?"

Jacob. He loved him already somehow.

Robert's eyes widened and he couldn't believe it. Something jerked inside of him and he gripped hold of Aaron's hand, thought back to all those women and then the men in secret, all those who made him empty. He was always waiting for Aaron wasn't he?

"You - you want to be around Jacob?" Robert whispered, knew that it could be hard for him. He'd been heartbroken when he found out about Eden and him sleeping together.

"I want you forever, I want that little boy and you forever." Aaron pleaded, tears in his eyes and then his head falling into Robert's chest.

Rain started falling outside and everything in the room froze around Robert as he felt the boy in his arms begin to cry gently and hold onto him. Suddenly everything in his world made sense again, he had this purpose, he had this family.

He was going to be okay, Robert thought as he kissed Aaron's head, because they were going to be forever.

Aaron let the tears roll down his face, let the pain and misery become washed away with it all and then everything was clearer. He closed his eyes and felt Robert envelope his arms around him and finally he allowed himself to be happy. He finally allowed himself to think of how they'd be like this for the rest of their lives.

Because their sort of love, it wouldn't fade.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron felt something break in his chest as he stared at the pictures which scattered across the next page and the a letter Harry had sent.

_So you’re happy. You speak as though you will never feel an emotion as much as this one. Love. Don’t let it leave you, hold them all close and smile, remember your old pal who said it would all pass one day and that the sun would shine._

_Keep safe, keep close._

_Never forget the goodness you have my friend. Never._

_Your best pal,_

_Harry._

Robert had tears in his eyes all of a sudden and he had this warm glow about them which was almost unfamiliar. He was leaning over and looking at Aaron, at his husband, and the his gaze dropped towards the photos.

One of Aaron holding Jacob up on his shoulders, the little boy covering Aaron's eyes and laughing.

"He's adorable." Robert comments, so distant, so far away suddenly. "Is he yours?" He asks and something just drops inside Aaron's chest as he nods.

He can't handle it, can't stop the way he gulps hard and tries to stop the tears falling down his face.

"So what happened to the lads?" Robert asks, head back against the chair and a smile on his face. "They were happy?"

And Aaron has to nod slowly, "Yeah. For so many years." He whispers, "And they loved their little boy." He thinks of the years they were so scared, how the cottage was their safe haven until Jacob was starting school and they had to venture out. "The Dingle lad got a job as a mechanic a few miles out, and - and Sugden became a writer. A really good one actually." He smiles as he remembers the poems, all the words which he knows Robert can't get out now.

There's one of Annie, all her soft blonde hair and bright cheeks. "She's beautiful." Robert strokes at the picture and pulls a face which gives Aaron this cruel false hope that he knows who she is. Annie's smiling, Victoria hugging her and Liv pulling a face. "Who's she?" Robert's asking, blinking quickly.

"Little Annie. She needed a home, her mother was a friend of the Dingle lad and he took her in when she was only a few days old." Aaron explains, eyes reddening as he remembers Martha, too young, too naive to know better than to sell herself for money. They'd taken her in, they'd raised her and kept her when news spread that Martha had developed something awful, something killing her and she wouldn't make it. "She's an angel." He whispers knowingly, watches her sit anxiously outside in the gardens.

Robert frowns, starts playing with his hands because he's nervous about something. "So they were happy, I wanted them happy." He says gently, something so soft about him suddenly and Aaron wants to spare him details about the fights, the throwing of plates over the years, the shouting, the tears, the panic and worry about being taken away from each other at any point. He wants to tell him about the fact that they did that whole civil partnership thing and got wed before Robert became sick.

He wants to say it all, he wants to talk about if for years and years and he gets carried away. He makes the mistake of pulling a hand out towards Robert's, trying to hold it and then feels Robert pull back roughly.

"Get off me." Robert practically screams and Aaron recoils in horror too. He feels sick, feels like everything is slipping away from him.

"I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry I didn't mean to -" Aaron's trying his hardest, but it's falling on deaf ears.

Robert shakes his head and then he's looking down at his hand, at the gold wedding band and he's trembling. "I'm married. You need to leave me alone, because - because I only love him."

Aaron's eyes widen and he feels something jolt in his chest. Ellie's coming over looking concerned and he bats her away, has all his attention on Robert suddenly. "Yeah you are aren't you? You're married. To me Rob."

Robert's eyes grew and he just stays there almost frozen as Ellie tries to calm Aaron down. "I'm not married to you." He's getting upset and Aaron's shaking his head. "He's young and beautiful and -" he's crying, Robert's crying and Aaron hates doing this. "You're just an old man." He explains, hands on his lap as Ellie looks at him. "Tell him, tell him to go I want my mum and my – I want –“

Aaron's crying now, hands over his face and this sadness in his eyes which won't leave him alone. This, right here, is Aaron's worst fear. "Please don't make me go." He says, shuddering hard and then drawing back as he sees Liv and Victoria coming towards them. “Not again.”

It just makes Robert even more confused though, he's frowning and suddenly only trusting Ellie. "Who are all these people?" He's asking, he's a boy, he's just a terrified little boy and Aaron feels like he's falling as he grips onto the chair.

Victoria pushes her face into Liv's chest and cries almost uncontrollably as Jacob and Annie stand by the door and shake their heads sadly at their father, the man who carried them on their backs and charged down hills with them for hours whilst Aaron told them to be careful. He's gone, he's completely gone.

"Nice people Robert, I wouldn't let horrible people come and see you would I?" Ellie says, so soft and kind and Aaron's grateful for the way she manages to calm Robert down a little.

But then he's leaning across, Aaron's desperate to stop the frown forming on Robert's face and he squeezes his hand, makes Robert stare at his ring and _realise_ that it's the same as his own and -

Robert's losing it, he's pushing Aaron away again and this time it's a little harder. It manages to knock Aaron back and then he's suddenly seeing stars, hearing voices around him fade and slow down and then his whole world is fading to black.

 

\--

 

 

Aaron's eyes flicker open and he's laying in a room, he can hear voices around him again and he latches onto his little sister's.

"I don't care, you should have taken him to the hospital. He could be in pain." Liv's saying, hands flapping as Ellie comes towards him and tries to shake at his arm and offer him water.

"He wouldn't have wanted to leave dad." Jacob says, defiant, with a nod of the head. "He couldn't."

Aaron's eyes flicker and then he opens them properly, hears Ellie tell him that he passed out for a few minutes and that they might call an ambulance if they need to. It makes him shake his head. "No, no I'm fine." He lies, because his chest is tight still.

Ellie offers him a sad smile and then tells him that they're going to give him some space, that he can sleep for a while if he wants and Jacob's reluctant to leave him until Annie's there and she's kissing Aaron's head, making Jacob do the same before they leave him.

He wakes up to the sound of music playing on a radio. It's the song, that old one which made him so melancholy for years before he used to be forced to dance to it by Robert.

_‘We’ll meet again.’_

As his eyes open he sees Robert sitting there, chewing on his lip nervously and leaning over to see Aaron clearer. He's got tears in his eyes and he looks like he's going to cry any second.

"This song, we'll meet again, did we used to dance to it?" Robert's voice breaks as he speaks because there's something flickering through his mind for the first time in years. Just something small.

Aaron's pushing himself up on the bed and nodding his head frantically. "In the kitchen. In the cottage, do you -" he can't ask him if he remembers. "You always forced me to." He gulps hard, watches something die out in Robert's expression and his chin wobbles as the music plays on around them. "And you played it when - when you asked me to marry you, the third time." He lets out a smile.

Robert's frowning again and then he gulps. "You said no?" He's asking, interested suddenly.

Aaron's pulling a face. "The first time you asked we were arguing, I said never in a billion years and I thought I'd lost you, I didn't even mean it." He remembers that, Robert had actually cried. "Then you asked when you were drunk and I said why not but you didn't remember." Robert smiles softly and then he's looking towards the floor.

Aaron's chest tightens again. "Please don't go." He's saying, watching the way Robert's drifting away from him again. "Please don't leave me again. Just, _try_ , please." He whispers gently.

Robert's eyes are watering again and he frowns. " _Leave you?_ " He's asking and then he's leaning over and delicately holding Aaron's hand. "Have I left you before?" It sends a chill through Aaron's body, makes him feel numb with guilt and he's shaking his head. He's deciding to talk about Annie and Jacob and Liv and Vic, he's even mentioning Andy and Katie and being able not to become worked up.

"So the story, you made the story about -" Robert gulps hard, and then he's falling into Aaron's chest. They haven't been this close in years now, not since Aaron faced up the fact that Robert needed more help than he could give him. Aaron's smiling down into Robert's hair, inhaling him completely and feeling at the grey strands which show his age. Robert raises his head, green eyes shining as he looks confused and almost lost. "You wanted me to remember? But I can't, I can't remember the war and -"

For the first time in years, Aaron's thankful for it because he can't bare the thought of Robert having to remember such painful memories.

"I just - I wanted you to remember _me_ , and our life because we were so lucky to have so long." Aaron whispers, hears the music still drone on. "I wanted ya to remember that you're the _only_ man I've ever loved." He adds and then Robert's softening into this boy, he's caressing Aaron's cheek like he used to do and he's brushing his face against Aaron's.

"Oh _Aaron_ ," Robert whispers back, sends shivers through Aaron's body because he’s saying his name. There's these flashes of memories hitting him again and again, reading to a little boy, holding a little girl in his arms, crying into a woman's chest and telling a blonde haired girl not to be afraid of the loud sirens. And then he's remembering dancing with a boy in the rain and wanting to kiss the life out of him. " _My_ Aaron, you were _always_ my Aaron." He's saying and Aaron can't help the way it all still makes his heart skip a best. "And I _loved_ you, I did. I do."

Aaron thinks he's in heaven, that it's all a dream and that Robert's going to pull away from him any second and everything will go back to normal. This dark new normal he doesn't know how to escape. But it doesn't, instead the song is going round again and Robert's standing up slowly, pulling at Aaron's hand and making him dance, shuffle really on his feet.

It lasts for a few seconds, Aaron's hearing Robert apologise again and again and Aaron's not thinking about how long he'll have his Robert back, he's just enjoying it until his eyes flutter and the pain in his chest gets even worse.

It's a good thing that Ellie was watching them from the door, she was smiling and crying one second and the next she’s calling an ambulance and Jacob is trying to calm Robert down as he panics about the way Aaron almost collapsed in his arms just as the song came to an end.

"What's the matter?" Robert is crying out, panicked suddenly by the sigh of Aaron on the floor, pale, groaning in pain. "No, no help him." He gets out, feels Jacob trying to hold him back.

And, Aaron, he manages to raise his head and say: "It's all going to be OK, I promise."

 

\--

 

Aaron's hooked up to something, he's got wires coming out of him and the hospital bed is uncomfortable as he tries to lay there and not hurt himself anymore. His face is almost grey, looks like it's been stepped on and heavy bags mock his determination to stay awake, to keep fighting.

He hears shuffling near the door and Jacob comes in with Vic and the others, they all look so sad, so hurt but what they're about to say and soon Aaron knows why.

It's not good news apparently, he's had a heart attack, he's lucky to be alive. It's been a few days, he's been out for a few days and the first thing he thinks about is Robert as he sees his loved ones nearby, asking if he is alright, if he needs any help.

"He's forgotten hadn't he?" Aaron croaks out, not caring about the fact that he obviously doesn't have long anymore. "Robert." He pulls a hand over his face and tries not to cry. "Tell him I - I loved him, make me someone he remembers, even if you have to lie."

Robert promised never to forget him once, he actually _said_ that.

Jacob's crying, he never cries, but he is, he's bending down and he's kissing at his dad's forehead and he's holding him close. "He's here dad." He's saying and then Robert's by the door suddenly, grandad cardigan on and a walking stick keeping him up. He's got something under his arm, it's the book, the story book with their whole life inside.

He smiles at Vic like he knows her and she helps him sit down as Liv kisses at her brother's head and tells him that they're just outside if he needs anything. Annie's all reluctant to go, like she knows something bad will happen if she does, but Aaron tells her to.

"Listen to your old man and scram kid." He says, all playful and breathless because everything seems to hurt again.

He winks at her, and Jacob and watches them before leave as Liv hangs by the door with Vic.

"Love you." They both say and Aaron's nodding his head, saying it back as Robert just stares at him likes the only person in the room.

The door swings shut and Robert opens the book, "That's me. That's you." He's saying, soft hands falling over the pictures and then he's smiling softly. "Aaron. Aaron Dingle."

Aaron's floored, pulls a hand over Robert's. "Yeah, do you think you remember me?" He's asking, foolish, almost unkind.

Robert's squinting though, trying his hardest and then he's melting into this pool of love and he's weakly stroking Aaron's face. "My Aaron." He says, starts to feel tears in his eyes. "Don't go." He pleads, almost suddenly aware of where they are. "Don't leave me alone." Aaron shudders, he didn't want this, never wanted this. "I left you alone though didn't I? I'm sorry, I'm sorry Aaron."

Aaron gulps hard, he's never needed to hear that. "Don't be sorry." He winces, chest feeling tight suddenly and then Robert's looking towards the bed.

"Can I lay with you? I don't want you alone." Robert's saying, hardly remembers anything, just knows that the man laying in front of him is a good man, is one who he has loved for all his life, one who he can't bare to be without. It's all of a _feeling_ , not memory and it means so much more.

Aaron's crying, nodding his head as Robert slowly comes into the bed and pulls the thin sheets over them both. "I don't want to leave you." Aaron tells him, feels Robert so small around him as they hold hands. His chest tightens again and he can't bare it anymore but Robert's stroking his hand with his thumb like he used to do when Aaron couldn't sleep, when he'd have dreams about the war, and he feels himself loosen.

"Then don't." Robert pushes out, almost like a boy. "It scares me, being alone." He tells Aaron like the younger man doesn't already know that, like he hasn't heard it so many times in the past.

Aaron kisses the top of Robert's head and then he shudders. "Why did you come here?" He's asking gently, because Robert didn't remember, he just bought the book and probably asked Ellie if he could visit the man who collapsed on him.

Robert closes his eyes, he remembers being a boy, he remembers a face over his, Aaron's, blue eyes smiling as he asked why he had come and he had said -

"Where you go, I go." Robert says, feels like a ghost of a person as it flutters out of his mouth and then Aaron's gasping, a pain shooting through him which is almost unimaginable and it feels like his whole life flashes before his eyes as Robert squeezes his hand.

He remembers starting on the farm that day with Robert. When they first kissed. When he first realised he loved him. When they were separated. When he cried on his mother's lap. When Liv wished for Robert to be safe. When they were reunited. When Robert broke his heart and he broke Robert's heart back. When everything hurt and there was no hope. When he was forced to be 'fixed'. When he was alone. When he wasn't. When he had a family. When he lost a mother. When he had a husband. When he lost a husband.

"Where you go, I go?" Aaron's wincing, asking a question almost as he hears the machines beep around them and everything closes in.

But Robert's nodding, kissing at Aaron's hand the way he used to and then he's closing his eyes, watching Aaron do the same and they are both seeing those blue skies their song always seemed to talk about, they're finally chasing away those dark clouds.

"Where you go, I go."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean if you have genuinely made it this far without crying then ... Please come over to my blog @littlelooneyluna so you can receive your medal of honours. 
> 
> I cried myself like a lot of times when I was writing this because I hate myself and I couldn't help but write angst. 
> 
> I hope you sort of liked it and you can look past the awful bits and appreciate the insanely good artwork I don't deserve. The ending is ambiguous on purpose, at first I was going to end it like The Notebook (do you see the resemblance?) and have it confirmed that they die together but it's up to you really, whatever you decide happens next with them does happen. 
> 
> There's nothing else for me to say apart from, thanks so much for reading all of it because it took a bloody long while and you've finished so give yourself a pat on the back!


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